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Whispers - story. Feedback, please?

mockingbird13 posted this thread...
Jun. 20, 2013 at 9:47 am

“Do it! Do it. Do it,” they hiss. Their insidious chant is like a morbid siren song. The raspy voices are impossible to ignore. The chant continues endlessly, slithering deeper and deeper into my head. Try as I might, I can ignore their calls no longer.
“Do what?!” shrieks a tormented voice. “What is it you want me to do?” I finally recognize the tortured wails as my own.
“You know what we want. You want it too,” they hiss. “End your misery. Do it! Do it. Do it,” the twisted chant continues.
“You can’t make me,” I whisper, but my voice is weak with fear and doubt.
I stare down at my pale, veiny feet; a startling contrast to the surrounding green linoleum tiles.
“Do it! Do it. Do it,” they taunt. “Nobody will miss you. Nobody wants you, needs you, loves you.”
“NO!” I cry, but the whispers are winning.
I watch as my sickly legs march me down the dimly lit hall. The lights cast an odd hue on my body, making my emaciated self look translucent. The thin, papery material of the hospital gown brushes against my legs with each step, creating an eerie beat.
“So close,” they hiss. “Open the door, now. Do it! Do it. Do it.”
The chant is becoming increasingly frantic, and I know my time is near.
“I’m afraid,” I tell them. My voice and hand both tremble as I turn the doorknob and step onto the fire escape. An alarm wails and lights flash behind me to alert the staff that I have escaped.
“Closer! Now! Do it! Do it. Do it,” they hiss.
I shriek, for their whispers cut into me like knives.
“Now?” I ask.
“Now!” they reply. “Do it! Do it. Do it.”
“You! Stop right there!” commands a doctor. He races down the hall, but he is too late.
I am already falling.

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kamkit replied...
Jul. 4, 2013 at 1:07 pm

Wow, this is incredibly powerful. I read a lot of stories like this one, but interestingly they all strike me differently.
Your use of imagery is amazing- "slithering" made me cringe. Tormented, tortured, wails- all of these words pull the reader right into the main character's emotions. Awesome.
I also like how you included an out-of-body experience while she was walking down the hall.
I loved this piece of flash-fiction, really great. :)

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