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Short Story, Feed back please!?

shadowkiss96 posted this thread...
May 14, 2013 at 8:05 pm

We all sat by the warm fire staring into its golden blue flame, watching the way it slowly sparked. The four of us had been hiking up in the Verdact mountains for about eight hours now and decided to rest for the night. Kenny and Samantha were cuddled together laughing quietly as if they were the only two in the world. I liked seeing them like that it made me wish that someday Jake would finally see me as more then just some friend. I tore my eyes away from the cute couple and started to watch Jake as he was sitting next to a giant boluder him and Kenny had dragged over from nearby, to the glow of the fire so that Kenny could mark the trails we were taking so that we didn't get lost on our way back down the mountain. Kenny was staring intently at the map scratching his chin mumbling something about steep slopes. I walked over to where he was sitting and crouched down beside him to get a view of the map.
"Hey Natalie." He said with a smile on his face.
" Hey hows the trail marking going?" I asked sitting fully on the ground.
" It's getting there, I just cant remember what direction that river was running earlier."
"Why do u need to know that?" I asked in confusion.
" So that I know if it'll be safe to cross when we get further up the mountain." He replied.
"Okay but im sure there will be shallow parts to cross or rocks we can use to jump across the river."
"Probably but incase there isn't we should all find a really large sturdy branch to use as hiking sticks so that we have more support when we have to cross it."
"Alright we can find them in the morning, in the mean time roll out your sleeping bag and have some food." I answered jumping up and clapping him on the back.

Surprisingly he agreed to put the map away and join our friends at the fire. I sat down on my own sleeping bag and looked across the fire and seen Kenny and Samantha kissing. I chuckled and threw a marshmallow at them. kenny stopped long enough to see what I threw at him and toss it back at me. I handed Jake the food bag and told him to eat.
" Yes mother dear" he replied taking the bag.
" If I was your mother youd have a heck of alot more respect when someone handed you food." I replied smugly.
He just laughed and grabbed a bag of chips out of the bag. " So Natalie where do you think we should head to tomorrow?"
"Why are you asking me? I'm not the navigator." I replied.
"Maybe not but you do alot of reasearch when we go hiking on the territory, what did you find out?"
"Uhm theres a great kettle lake that is good for swimming in." I replied
" Oh I want to go swimming!" Samantha shreiked.
" Relax babe lets see what else Nat has to say bout this place before we decide where to go." Kenny said calmly.
" So Natalie as you were saying?" Asked Jake.
"Uhm theres also an old factory building that was used to process the water in the natural springs here." I answered meekly.
" Why the cliff hanger at the end of that statement Nat?" asked Kenny.
" Because the whole factory crew was murdered during a power outtage in the middle of winter, and it's said that the murderer still resides in the factory guarding the facilities waiting to see if anyone tries to reenter the factories."
" Damn, where'd you hear that? Urban legends.lame?" scoffed Kenny.
" No it's on the website to this mountains hiking trails, they warn you not to go into the areas marked off."
" Well I know where we go tomorrow." said Kenny.
" Yea to the kettle lake." replied Samantha.
" Are you nuts? Lets see if the story is true and if the psycho is still there." Kenny retorted.
" What do you say Natalie?" Asked Jake. " I kinda want to see if the legend is true."
I looked at Samantha who just shrugged her shoulders and curled up closer next to Kenny. "Uhm I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a peek." I replied
"Okay then early morning tomorrow, we leave at seven to start towards the factory." announced Jake.

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Awal G. replied...
Jun. 25, 2013 at 7:22 pm

I think the story itself is fine is so far. Really I only have two criticisms. First, use commas, semi-colons, dashes, or whatever, because most of your sentences are run-ons. Second, the conversations seem a bit forced. Ther's just something about it that doesn't feel genuine. I hoped this helps. Good luck!

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shadowkiss96 replied...
Jun. 27, 2013 at 1:16 pm

What do you mean exactly by forced so that I know how to fix it.

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Okazaki replied...
Jun. 27, 2013 at 8:40 pm

I don't mean to sound like a broken record here, but I do agree with what Awal says.
As to how the conv were forced, what I can say is very simple and blunt. It would be better to add mid-conversation actions for the characters to make it seem like they're not robots. I'm sorry if what I say sounds offensive, as I'm not trying to do so in the least bit. I do like the story, and would like to hear more of it though. Keep up the good work!

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shadowkiss96 replied...
Jun. 30, 2013 at 5:23 pm

Neither of you guys sound offensive. And I will go back and edit the conversation and add in details as in motions and things they are doing while they speak with one another. This was just a rough copy not yet finished the feed back helped alot.

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kamkit replied...
Jul. 4, 2013 at 12:25 pm

I like this story, the descriptions in the first paragraph are very detailed and I also like how you establish a partial back-story for Natalie (with Jake).
I think the dialogue in the beginning is good for creating a relationship between Jake and Natalie, although yes it does sound a little forced and I think this is because they are really only making statements to each other and not engaging the other person in the conversation. For example, Jake tells her: "Probably but incase there isn't we should all find a really large sturdy branch to use as hiking sticks so that we have more support when we have to cross it."
Maybe the dialogue would work better if he told her: "Probably, but just in case we should have something to support us while we are crossing- like a hiking stick or something." And then Natalie could suggest a branch.
As to the second area of dialogue, I agree with Okazaki- mid-conversation gestures would help the flow of the scene.
You definitely have me interested in what is going to happen once they get to that lake!! :)

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