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The Valley of The Dolls.

dragonsandthree replied...
May 20, 2013 at 10:27 pm

 
Leo and Joe followed Hope as she mounted the first of the black marble steps.
“Hope!” Joe called. “Hope! Come back!”
“You know that she can’t come back.” Leo said bluntly as they followed Hope. “I’m sorry, Joe. This is going to be the last time that you ever see Hope.”
Joe ignored  Leo and continued to follow Hope.
“Leo!” Adelle suddenly appeared next to Leo. “What’s wrong with her? And what is that building?”
eo stopped short, and Adelle bumped into him. Leo waited until Joe was several dozen steps ahead of them before he spoke again in a low whisper. “It’s what happens to you when you fall in love here.” Leo told Adelle as he felt a conflict of emotions rise inside of him. “It’s what makes this place so terrible, even though it’s so great.” Leo and Adelle began to climb the steps again, speeding up to catch up with Joe.
“I see what you mean.” Adelle said. “It’s worse than breaking up with the other person.”
Leo nodded. Leo, Adelle, and Joe followed Hope in silence until they reached the last step. Hope continued onto the black marble floor, but Leo, Adelle, and Joe froze on the last step.
“Why can’t I move?” Joe cried out. It was clear that he was straining against whatever was holding them.
“You know that you can’t go, Joe.” Leo said sadly, battling to keep the emotions roiling inside of his stomach down so nobody could sense them. Sorrow for Joe, sorrow for the fact that he would never see Hope again, anger at the fact that whatever force controlled the Valley got rid of people when they turned eighteen. And fear that he would lose his heart to somebody and have it broken. Leo and the others watched as Hope walked to the middle of the Tomb, then vanished. “Hope!” Joe cried. Then he stumbled backwards, crying.
“Joe!” Leo called, but Joe was already running down the steps.
“I feel so sorry for him.” Adelle said softly.
“I know.” Leo agreed as they watched him run.
“Leo?” Adelle asked softly. “I can’t feel anything.”
Leo looked at Adelle sharply. “What do you mean?”
Adelle sighed. Then punched Leo in the face. “My fist would normally hurt after something like that.” She told Leo, who had stumbled backward. “But I didn’t feel anything.”
Leo stood straight up again. “Don’t tell anybody about this, Adelle. It’s not normal.”
“What do you mean?” Adelle asked.
“I mean, Joe and Hope were my only friends because I told other people about this.” Leo said. “They were the only ones who did not run away from me thinking that I was insane.”
Adelle stared at Leo, and Leo felt something. Like he was been shaken almost. “I have to go.” Leo said.
“What do you mean?” Adelle asked.
Leo closed his eyes. “One, two, three.” He opened his eyes again, and was staring directly at Lisa.

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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 21, 2013 at 11:53 pm

Hey Andy! I really, really liked this chapter. It was so nice to see Leo and Adelle meet and I liked the sorrow and conflict in this chapter. I love the glowing hearts and tears, it makes it so magical. I thought the bit of mystery in the end was good. I love seeing their personalities come out as they are dolls! It's really interesting. Joe and Hope were good characters to add in here. I am excited to see how Adelle feels when she wakes up and is back in reality. This one was wonderful! Okay, so, I decided to do some proofreading while going through this chapter. So, in the first section that was posted there was one mistake, which says, 'ONE his left shoulder...' and I think you meant on. In the second section posted there were four. At one point it says '...STREAMING into the great hall...' and when reading the whole sentence it made sense to me for it to be stream. Next it says, 'RELEASED that it was his friend...' and I think it should be realized. Another, which is super minor, it says, ' "Hello Leo ' and then the quotations aren't closed. So, it just goes into a run-on sentence. And the last one in that section is it says, 'The tomb was black building' and I think you need to add in an a so it says, '...a black building.' Okay, the third section was a repeat of the second! So, I just wanted to let you know about that. And in the fourth one everything was fine. So, I just wanted to try to help you out. (:

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None0 replied...
May 22, 2013 at 2:14 am

Hello you two. Don't mind me, just dropping by to see how the story is progressing.
 
And can I just say, nice work. At first I thought the story would have a relatively linear progression, but you've taken it into quite a few different directions already. The only thing that irks me is that there are some parts that I feel should be longer. I understand it's difficult to lengthen some scenes when you have so many ideas to cram into the story, but going more in-depth will give your story a more solid foundation, and more fluency.
 
I'd note some specifics, but I kind of feel like I'm intruding, so I'll stop here.
Keep up the great work!

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 22, 2013 at 8:24 am

Okay, Lexus, thank you! I'm glad that you are reading these brefore I post them because I have so many little errors! You would make an amazing editor. Also, I'm sorry about the third post being the same as the second. It's an issue that I have been having with my word file. I thought that  I had deleted the entire third chapter, but I moved into the middle of the second by accident. UBut, I'll make the editations and re-post as soon as I can. Also, I'm not going to update the novel for a while so that we can get a nice bank of chapters to release all at once.

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 22, 2013 at 8:24 am

Thank you, None0. I'm gla that you liked. 

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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 22, 2013 at 6:21 pm

I am glad I could help, Andy! And that's a good idea. I've been busy with finals lately and I can't talk to you about the story until later, but the week's almost over and then I won't be so busy.
 
 

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 22, 2013 at 6:34 pm

Okay. Talk to you then.

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Laugh-it-OutThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 23, 2013 at 7:46 pm

Hey there! I don't want to intrude for too long so I will make this short. I have been following this forum/the book closely for a while and I honestly love where this is going!! So excited to see the final product! Ok that's all, just wanted to give you guys a confidence boost/ keep writing boost. Great work! And keep rockin, both of you. Plus can't wait for the sequel!!

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 23, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Thank ye kindly, young mittress.

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Laugh-it-OutThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 23, 2013 at 8:31 pm

What? Hahahaha you actually had me laughing with that one. Okay, I will officially stop ruining the flow of this thread now. Again: great. Work Lexus and Andy!! Keep rockin oh and your very welcome kind, noble sir ;)

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 23, 2013 at 9:11 pm

Hahahaa! Thanks.

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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 24, 2013 at 3:55 pm

Thanks Liv, you're great. Hey Andy, summer is here, and now I am no longer busy with finals. How is it coming?

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 24, 2013 at 5:26 pm

Fairly good. I'm nearly done with chapter 4.

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 24, 2013 at 5:27 pm

Also, do you know how you did?

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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 24, 2013 at 6:49 pm

Great. And yeah, I did pretty well. Either way, I have a 4.0 so I am just happy with my overall grades. And good, I can't wait to read it. I have a question, if you like Birdy you should listen to 'Daughter', 'Soley', and 'Ron Pope'. I really enjoy their music.

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Laugh-it-OutThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 24, 2013 at 7:21 pm

Hey guys, I pinkie promise that this will be th last time I bud in. So Lexus, you said you would write me a lullaby, so I decide I should write one for you. And then I got thinking about the Valley and this is what I came up with: (Oh and sharing this with you too Andy because i guess it realtes to your story) Enjoy!                                                                                                
      
Close your eyes and dream away
In that dream, you will stay




Over a valley and down a hill
Be careful not to run into Jack and Jill




Cinderella’s little glass slipper
From my window I see the big dipper




Count one, two, three, and you will see
A field of dolls, short and tall




In the Valley of broken dreams
And misfit toys and other things




Love will find you, love will hold
For Leo and Adelle the story unfolds...

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 24, 2013 at 7:44 pm

I like Ron Pope and some of Daughter's songs, but I've never heard of Soley. I'll look into it.

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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 25, 2013 at 11:19 am

That's pretty whimsical, Liv! I really like it. I can't wait to read mine.
 
Yeah, Soley is really interesting. She writed very short songs, sometimes only six lines. But, the beats to her songs are great. And she can do odd things with her voice. Also, maybe listen to 'Foxes'.

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dragonsandthree replied...
May 25, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Okay. Also Lexus, you may like Of Monsters And Men.

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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 25, 2013 at 4:33 pm

I do! They are wonderful. c:

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