Facebook Activity



Teen Ink on Twitter

Writers' Workshop Forums

Where teen writers share their work
   
Next thread » « Previous thread

The Valley of The Dolls.

dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 7:41 am

No, this is really good! Thanks!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 4:26 pm

A new poem of mine came out! :) It's called Through the Woods if you care to check it out. Also, I'm nearly done with the first chapter! :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 6:23 pm

I have got the last chapter finished! Here it is! :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 6:26 pm

 
 
Adelle Aetos woke up with a start. She sat upright on the park bench that she had spent the night on. Again. A small avalanche of snow fell off of the cloth poncho that Adelle had wrapped around her shoulders. The cloth poncho had been a gift from Adelle’s best friend. Thin black lines separated thick gray and yellow lines, and a hood was also attached.
“You have to stop doing this.” A low, gravelly man’s voice said. Adelle’s bodyguard, Mason John, stepped out from behind a tree. Mason was tall and broad. His face was expressionless, as always. Mason’s salt-and-pepper hair was just barely long enough that it almost touched his black eyes.
“I know, Mason.” Adelle said softly. “I know that it’s not safe.”
Mason moved over to the bench, and Adelle shifted so that he could sit comfortably. “You’re right.” Mason said. “It’s not safe. For you or your parents.”
“How could me sleeping on a park bench be dangerous for my parents?” Adelle asked, even though she already knew the answer. But Mason replied anyway. “Because they have to uphold their image. If their daughter is caught sleeping on a park bench-”
“It could ruin them.” Adelle finished. “I know.” Adelle sighed. Sometimes, she wished that her parents did not own the largest hotel chain in the United States. This made them, and by extension, Adelle, extremely rich. “That’s why I use the hair spray.” Adelle said. She fingered several of the long strands of her neon pink hair. “I like it better when it’s red, though.”
“So do I.” Mason agreed. “It suits your eyes better.”
Adelle sighed. “I guess so.” She flipped her hood up and stood. “Let’s go home, Mason.” Adelle said. They both began to walk through Blackwater Park, snow crunching under their feet.
Blackwater Park was in the middle of Blackwater City. It covered about thirty miles, with hills, trees, and streams. To Adelle, it had always felt like a small section of the forest that surrounded Blackwater City was growing in the center. Adelle and Mason were walking down one of the many concrete paths lined with bricks in the park as they headed for the largest bridge in the park, John Bridge. John Bridge was one of the two bridges that stretched over the largest stream in the park, which Adelle thought was more like a small river. The bridge was a simple, flat, wooden structure that crossed over the river. It did not have any railings, just a lip that was about three inches high so that a person walking on it would not just walk over the edge.
 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 6:27 pm

 
“I wonder who it was that made this bridge.” Adelle mused, like she did every time that she crossed the bridge. Adelle glanced at the jagged, two-inch piece of metal sticking out of the ground where a sign had been.
“I have no idea.” Mason told her, like he did every time.
Adelle sighed as they crossed the bridge. And froze when she saw a very familiar man with red hair and a black suit on. He was over a hundred feet away, but Adelle knew that the man’s eye color was blue. It was Adelle’s father.
Adelle turned swiftly and moved back across John Bridge. Mason followed her without question.
“Is there another way home?” Adelle asked Mason.
“Not unless you care to go through the entire park.”
“Great.” Adelle groaned. “He’s suffocating me again.” And Adelle’s father, Carrick Aetos, was.
“Mr. Carrick has never laid a finger on you.” Mason said.
Adelle shot an annoyed glance at her bodyguard. “You know what I mean, Mason. It’s all of his rules.”
Mason nodded.
“And my parents would ground me if they heard me say that sentence!” Adelle complained. “I mean, why is it so terrible when I use compacted words?”
“I have no idea, Ms. Adelle.”
Adelle gave Mason another annoyed look. “I’ve told you to call me Adelle.”
“And I have told you that I won’t.” Mason said calmly.
Adelle sighed. “Fine. If you have to say ‘Ms. Adelle’, then just call me girl or something.”
“Yes, Ms. Girl.” Mason said.
Adelle burst out laughing, a light, cheerful sound.
Mason merely smiled.
“Let’s go over the stream.” Adelle said. “Do you think that the ice is thick enough?”
“I don’t know.” Mason said. “But the stream would have to be fully frozen for me to cross it, and I can tell you that it’s not that thick.”
Adelle and Mason walked in silence for several minutes until Adelle broke the silence. “Can I meet you back at the hotel?”
Mason stopped, and Adelle did the same as a powerful gust of wind blasted her face, knocking the hood down and whipping her neon pink hair around her face.
“No.” Mason said. “I will not allow that.”
“But I can probably sneak past my father if I don’t have this!” Adelle grabbed two fistfuls of the soft, warm, cloth poncho.
“No, you can’t!” A powerful man’s voice with a thick Irish accent boomed from behind Adelle. She turned, and looked up into the furious face of her father.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 6:28 pm

 
“I cannot believe this!” Carrick thundered. “How could you something like this?”
“Adelle, your father is right.” Adelle’s mother, Chloe Aetos, said. Adelle was sitting on her large bed in her large bedroom. Adelle’s bedroom was as large as the living room of a friend’s house that she had been to. Her bed was pressed up against one of the dark maroon walls. Next to the bed was a short, wooden nightstand. Directly across from Adelle’s bed was the huge, black grand piano. The thick, soft carpet that covered the floor was the same shade of maroon as the walls. A large, dark, oak dresser stood next to the large window. Next to the dresser was a tall bookcase made of the same wood as the dresser. It had five shelves full of books.
Adelle’s parents were both standing over her. Carrick had an expression of pure fury on his face, and Chloe’s face looked like an icy mask. Chloe had long blond hair, a beautiful face, and bright blue eyes.
“I went for a walk and fell asleep.” Adelle said. “What’s the problem?”
“No. Compacted. Words.” Chloe said through clenched teeth.
“Fine!” Adelle yelled.
“No yelling!” Carrick yelled. His face was turning purple. “You claim that you just went for a walk. Then what’s this?” He grabbed a fistful of Adelle’s neon pink hair, but did not pull or really cause her any pain. “And what about you telling Mason you could sneak by me?” Carrick dropped the hair he was holding, and Adelle shrank back.
“Adelle, you are the heir to Claddagh Suites.” Chloe said. Her voice was cold and focused. “You will not act out like this again. Now, go take a shower and get that ridiculous spray out of your hair.”
Adelle stared into her mother’s eyes. Brilliant, emerald green met icy blue in a battle of wills. Adelle dropped her gaze and rose. “Yes, ma’am.” Adelle said. She walked past her parents and out of her bedroom. “I will be free.” Adelle murmured to herself.
“What was that?” Chloe’s voice said.
“Nothing!” Adelle called back as she grabbed a towel out of the closet near her bedroom and walked into the bathroom.




The bathroom was large. It had a tall tub that had a glass enclosure for when somebody took a shower. The flooring was simple white tiles. The walls were painted a light blue. The counter was white marble swirled with black and orange. A large mirror hung over the ornate sink.
Adelle sighed as she walked out of the shower into a room full of steam. Adelle grabbed her towel off of the counter and began to dry herself off. “I wish that I could be free.” Adelle told her reflection. “But all of my parents rules feel like shackles, or, or, or a straitjacket. No, I think a straitjacket is completely right.” Adelle said. She threw the towel to the floor and began to get dressed. “It just feels like a giant weight pinning my arms down and pressing on my chest.”

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 6:29 pm

 
Adelle wiped the steam off of the mirror before she left the bathroom and stared at her reflection properly before the steam fogged the mirror up again. But she still saw enough. A tall, thin girl with long, wet, red hair and emerald green eyes. Adelle opened the bathroom door, releasing a cloud of steam, and found Mason outside.
“Ms. Adelle.” Mason said. “I have been informed that you are grounded to your room until further notice, and I am not to let you out.”
Adelle sighed. “Thank you, Mason.” She walked back down the long hallway with Mason behind her. “Do you mind waiting out in the hallway for a little bit?” She asked Mason. “You can pick take a book.”
“Thank you.” Mason said. They both entered Adelle’s bedroom. Mason crossed over to the bookcase and pulled a thin, battered volume off of one of the shelves. Adelle sat on her bed and saw a small piece of paper on her nightstand. “What’s this?” She murmured, almost to herself. She picked up the paper, but it was snatched out of her hands by Mason. “I’m sorry.” He said. “This is mine.”
“Okay.” Adelle said.
Mason nodded. “I will be outside if you need me.” Mason walked out of the door and shut it behind him.
Adelle tugged on the top of her nightstand, and it came off. She reached into the hidden compartment and pulled out a battered blue notebook and a long, silver pen. Adelle opened the notebook to an empty page. At the very top she wrote down the words that had been on the paper in a lose, curling script that Adelle knew had not been Mason’s. ‘Hold your breath, and close your eyes. Count to three, fall asleep, and awake with me.’
Then Adelle began to write a poem, her pen flowing across the paper. Her own handwriting was slightly curly, but tighter than the written on the note had been.




It’s pushing down on my chest
and all I can do is try to catch my breath.
Been this way for such a long time,
you think you’re a quarter and I’m a dime.
I get beat step by step, but you just wait, you’ll get what you get.
I used to have hope for the hopeless,
but that’s no more for life has only become a chore.
The sky is starting to grow black,
but I am not afraid, I don’t take a step back.
I think this is my chance to be free,
to get away from the rules and finally be me.
The shadow engulfs my body and the crows caw in harmony.
Then, the avalanche begins to crumble and fall on top of me.
I guess that I right that there is no hope,

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 6:29 pm

 
because all I am is attached to your rope.
I bet you’re happy to see my pain,
you know my life is a game which you love to play.
I try to get up and away from this mess,
the stress holds me down and whispers ‘take a rest.’
But I can’t do that, I taste the grey in my life,
and now I am starting to think twice.
I won’t disobey you because that’s not who I am,
but I am going to give you the avalanche.
Here Mom and Dad, please take it.. a gift from me to you.
You get to have all the things that you’ve put me through.




Adelle stared at the words on the paper and thought about how true they were. “The shadow engulfs my body and the crows caw in harmony.” Adelle murmured, brushing her fingers across the words as she said them. Adelle put the notebook and pen back in the nightstand and replaced the lid. She leaned on it with all of her weight until the top of the nightstand clicked.
She fell back on her bed, exhausted even though it was barely ten in the morning. “Why not?” Adelle said to herself.
She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath, holding it in. “One, two, three.” She said. Adelle opened her eyes, and found herself in place that was very different than the one she had closed her eyes in.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 8, 2013 at 6:30 pm

I will hope you like it! I look forward to your thoughts. Also, if there is anything you want me to change, please tell me, and I'll do it!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 9, 2013 at 9:46 am

Hey there! I just wanted to say sorry that I did not get on yesterday. I have been busy! But, this afternoon I will go read your poem! I look forward to it. And I have not read the first chapter yet, I will after I read your poem this afternoon! I AM SO EXCITED. And I have a question, what should Adelle's lullaby that she hums to herself be about? Okay, talk to you later on today!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 9, 2013 at 12:14 pm

I don't know.............maybe you could draw inspration from the Avalanches video again if possible?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 9, 2013 at 6:09 pm

Hey there! Wow! That was really, really good! I love the way you describe how each character looks. They all sound like they are so good looking. I love the attitude you give Adelle, she has such an interesting personality. I can clearly and easily visualize all the things that you say. I can honestly see this as a movie. I am very excited to be introduced to Leo because you convey the characters very well. You incorporated the poem in there very nicely. This was amazing. You are so talented. And okay, I will try to come up with something. I will start working on it in a little while. GREAT job on the first chapter.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 9, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Thanks!!!! I'm really glad that you liked it. So, do you want anything changed? And, I've also got a question for you about your writing. You have poems and short stories. Which ones of yours get the most veiws, ratings, and comments? Factoring in all of my veiws, etc., my poems are way more popular thana my short stories or books. It took no time for one of my poems to get veiwed over 150 times, but my other book, Going Home, hit 51 veiws two days ago. And hasn't gone up since.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 9, 2013 at 6:30 pm

Atop this mountain I can't hear your call
but at least I know I am way from all.
I know that you can keep me safe
but please let's go somewhere far away.
If I don't try I'll never know
if I'm up high or down below.
So I'll close my eyes and when I wake
I hope that I will see your face.
 
 
 
Okay, that's what I came up with for Adelle's lullaby. Maybe she could sing that lullaby when she thinks of Leo or something. Or maybe you can use that in a different way. It's up to you. Let me know if you were looking for something different.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 9, 2013 at 6:36 pm

Oh okay, I just saw that reply. Haha, we always seem to reply at the same time. So, for me, my poetry tends to get way more views. Which must be due to the fact that poetry is shorter. That's just a wild guess, though. But, I also think it depends on the title and how much interest you spark in the reader from the first sentence. Some of my fiction pieces have over 100 views, but not all of them. Poetry is def. more popular! And if you are wanting more views and feedback, I suggest going on forums and doing feeback for feeback or go to one that says free feedback. You can also create your own forum asking just for feedback or returning the favor. (Returning the favor works best.) And give them a deal, say like read my story and I will read two things that you want me to. And you can also post the link in the chat. So, those seem to work for me.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 9, 2013 at 6:50 pm

I do all of the forum stuff already. I just haven't done it lately. I was also windering if your stuff got any diifferent veiws. Also, I love the lullaby. It's great. I'm not sure how I will incorprate it yet, however.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 9, 2013 at 6:54 pm

Alright, I see. What do you mean by different views? And good, I am glad you like it!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 9, 2013 at 7:14 pm

Um, I meant if your stories got more veiws than your poetry. I probably should have clarified that. 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
dragonsandthree replied...
May 9, 2013 at 7:41 pm

Lexus, I forgot to ask. Is it alright with you if I submit the first chapter to get approved?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 9, 2013 at 8:11 pm

Well, it just depends. For the most part my poetry has more views. But, after looking through them some of them are pretty close. And yes, it's totally fine if you post the first chapter. And I have a question, are you going to include anywhere that I write the poetry and such for this? I was just wondering!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread

Launch Teen Ink Chat
Site Feedback