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A Short Play! Feedback anyone??

CheshireCat3 posted this thread...
Apr. 20, 2013 at 2:57 pm

Here's a short play written by me! It's a first draft. Would loveeee some feedback! Thanks in advance!
It’s a beautiful sunny day at the jungle and the three cubs, Id, Superego and Ego, are busy playing. It is the most scenic part of the jungle. The running water is clear and glittering; there are colorful flowers on the bank, and thousands of green, glossy trees.  A baby gazelle, no more than a month old, frightened and possibly abandoned by its mother, suddenly appears, making the scene more virginal and idyllic. It is shivering, confused, lost and breathing hard. Its legs are as thin as matchsticks, its eyes big, black and searching. The three small cubs then spot the baby gazelle.
Id: Look at that, a baby gazelle! Let’s go and eat it.
Superego: Id, the poor gazelle seems to be lost from its mother, leave it alone. Besides, you were just bragging about the Giraffe that your Mother caught for lunch today. I am sure you’re not even hungry. Let it go.
Id: No, I want to eat it! Come on, you know you won’t be able to resist once we’ve got our paws on it!
Superego: Please, Id. Leave the poor thing alone. 
Id: I don’t understand, Superego. Why can’t I eat it when I want to? Anyway, it would be a waste to let it go. It is useless for the jungle! It doesn’t even provide fertilizers and destroys all the little flowers!
Superego: You are from a very powerful tribe, Id. You don’t attack small animals like the baby gazelle. You attack much bigger animals, you know that. Anyway, you could wait until the baby gazelle grows up, because clearly there’s not much meat on it now. Once it’s fully grown, you will enjoy it much more.
Id and Superego both look at Ego, who has been silent this whole time.
Superego: What do you think, Ego? What should we do?
Ego doesn’t want to disappoint his friends, but he knows a decision has to be made.
Ego: Superego, I understand that you are sympathetic towards the baby gazelle, especially since it seems to be lost and so vulnerable.
Superego nods in agreement. Id lets out a huff.
Ego: Id, I know that you are tempted to eat the baby gazelle because it’s helpless and, well, such an easy target. So I think we should put it to a vote.
Id (excitedly): Right! Who here believes we should make that gazelle a tasty snack? Aye!
Ego and Superego both stare at Id, not voting.
Id: What?! Come on!
Superego: Who votes to let the gazelle in peace lest it is reunited with its mother?
Ego and Superego: Aye!
And so, the three cubs resume their games and the baby gazelle does not become the three cubs’ meal. 

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Apr. 20, 2013 at 5:30 pm

It's a good play, and the writing is great. You might want to clarify the species of the three cubs (lions, leopards, hyenas....). Otherwise, though, it's symbolic of the circle of life in a way that not many people imagine. I really like this!

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CheshireCat3 replied...
Apr. 21, 2013 at 11:22 am

Yes, I agree. I will specify the cubs (they are supposed to be Lion cubs). Thank you SO much for your constructive feedback. Glad for people like you! 

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