Teen Ink
teenink
TeenInk How would you rearrange this old cliche? "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" http://t.co/xTNZxcKYxK
Fri May 24, 2013 10:17am Reply Retweet Favorite
TeenInk "Thinking is the best way to travel." - The Moody Blues http://t.co/5jzE5kVJyB
Thu May 23, 2013 10:55am Reply Retweet Favorite
TeenInk If this is the ending of the story, what is the beginning? http://t.co/gRzPosYXRi
All Anna Trambet has known was her life in small town. It is all she’s ever known. She has never had a reason to second guess her best friend, her parents, and her life since she moved to Vermont fifteen years ago.
But when her father suddenly begins to disappear for weeks at a time and her mother oddly secretive, she knows something must be up. After discovering a hidden letter from a foreign government, Anna realizes her parents aren’t who she thinks they are. Everything seems to hit a dead end until she meets mysterious Rider Cecil and develops a strange attraction to him. As she struggles to piece together the mystery of the letter and putting an end to the unavoidably terror that lay ahead of her, she realizes it’s not only her parents past that is in the dark; it’s her very own.
it's good, but cheesy. first, I would read it out loud to make sure it flows right, because there are a couple missing words or maybe it didn't work the way you intended it to there. Also, I do not like how you say that she realized that her parents weren't who she thought they were. First of all, I believe that if you realize something it is definate, not totally obvious by the previous text, sooo ya. like I said, read it out loud, that's the main thing
It's a neat skeleton for a plot, but it needs work. The love interest Rider Cecil seems random, like he doesn't fit in with the rest of the plot.
Also, the plot itself (with the strange past and the lying parents) seems a bit cookie-cutter or cliche... what is it that makes this story stand out? What element makes it yours and unique?
One last thing... where does the paranormal come in?
I think if you can solve these couple little things, you'll have a great story line!
the one thing I mainly noticed was the repetion at the beginning. when you say "All Anna Trambet has known was her life in small town. It is all she's ever known." In the second line you kind of repeat yourself by saying it's all she's ever known well you already explained that in the first sentence. Definately read it allowed to make you don't miss everything and that it all flowd together. My final thing is that try to make your story stand out. Everything felt too cliche for me but I understand that it's your story and you probably know something about it that makes it worth reading. Try to convey that to the reader about why your story is awesome.
I honestly have scene this done before, but I would take a twist on this. If you can pull it off change things up, like have mulitple views or something to make it more origanally.
