Facebook Activity



Teen Ink on Twitter

Writers' Workshop Forums

Where teen writers share their work
   
Next thread » « Previous thread

Review for a review

hollyax1999 posted this thread...
Mar. 17, 2013 at 1:24 pm

This is the start of  a short story I'm writing. Please comment and I'll do the same on some of your work, just let me know which ones you want me to read.
 
The pounding of hooves hammered against my ear drums. A herd of mustangs were galloping madly around the barren fields. The gate creaked as I leaned against it. The ground shook as the feral horses came closer; it felt like an earthquake. I didn't panic; in fact I felt strangely peaceful. They didn't give me a second glance as they thundered by.
 
Of course, I was glad they were used to me, but I felt as if a part of my soul had left me forever. Tomorrow they will start being trained as regular horses. I had always known this day would come, it is the family business after all, but to me it doesn't seem right. Horses like this shouldn't be touched. Horses like this should roam the hills day and night. Free! And that's were I'm going to take them...

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
E.J.Mathews replied...
Mar. 17, 2013 at 9:26 pm

I thought this was really good! It pulled in a lot of emotion in a really short time. The only suggestion I would make would be to tone down on the word horses just a tad, and replace them with pronouns here and there. If you could read, rate, and comment on my story "The Eternal Darkness of Emily Gloom" that would be great!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
hollyax1999 replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 12:05 pm

Thanks :) I'll read it now.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
guardianofthestarsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 12:34 pm

I think this is awesome! The details in it were amazing and I liked the word choices. I agree with E.J. about the word horses (I know it is hard to use different words for animals). Good work, all in all.
 
If you could please read "Saving Humanity" on my page. Thanks!! :D

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
hollyax1999 replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:00 pm

Thanks :) Read it and loved it. :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
lucybrown replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 3:38 pm

Wow, I like this a lot so far.  I love horses so this story is definitely something that I would be interested in reading.  You do a good job with catching the reader's attention in the first sentence, but the first paragraph seems a little choppy.  Try reading it out loud and see if you can make some sentences longer- try to vary your sentence structure a little bit more.  Other than that, great job.  I think the second paragraph is pretty good- it really shows the personality of your main character.  Thank you for the comment on my novel:)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
hollyax1999 replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 4:26 pm

Thanks for the advice, it really helped. No problem :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
KealliiRaycene replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 7:31 pm

I loved it, great sensory language. I loved how in touch the character was! Could you read Mother Nature on my page? :) thanks!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
NiaraTiara replied...
Mar. 19, 2013 at 7:44 am

I think this story is very well written! Lots of detail and very intriging :) I agree with the other reviews that say you used a good choice in words.
Can you review my story "The Time Bomb"? It would be really great if I could get some feedback on it. Thanks :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Mar. 19, 2013 at 9:19 am

I love how descriptive this is! I could picture each moment in time as if it were real. Maybe you could replace some of your semi colons with conjunctions, or complex sentences, to make the story flow a bit better. But this is a great beginning, and I can't wait to see the whole story.
 
Could you review my story We the Imagined? Thanks!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
runnergirl15 replied...
Mar. 19, 2013 at 2:09 pm

I thought it was really good! Very descriptive.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
hollyax1999 replied...
Mar. 19, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Thanks Everyone! :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread

Launch Teen Ink Chat
Site Feedback