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nightseeker posted this thread...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:23 am

The planet Kree is mostly a water planet; it covers sixty percent of the planets surface. Another twenty percent is covered by towering jungle, trees that rise over 400 feet high, carnivorous plants, ghost trees, and other horrors. The other ten percent is mountains tall, deadly, black, and lawless. Another ten percent is desert sifting sands, hidden sink holes, sand Crees whose bite will leave you paralyzed. There is only one rule- survival of the fittest. There are Kree that live there they help when need but otherwise they keep to themselves and their land. Then there are the bandits a mix of all the Kree good and bad. They take food from all the territories and leave everyone else alone. The sea and the jungle are ruled over by the Kree from which the planet gets its name. They are a blue-green color that lets them vanish if need be. They can breathe under water, and they have wings with a wingspan of ten feet. They are fifteen feet high at the shoulder and are 50 feet long head to tail. Their claws are curved and a silver color, so are their teeth. Their skin is smooth and tougher than steel armor. The only thing that can pierce it is another Kree or the Cavers. The Cavers control the mountains. They are similar to the Kree but are black as the moonless night. The one main difference is that they can’t breathe under water and are bulkier than the Kree. The animals that live on the mountain can be ruthless like the Ad’ ram who, when the months are lean, kill their eldest to feed their young. They are all prey to the Cavers and their young. They had always lived apart and the Kree have never stopped patrolled the edges of their territory. Constantly on the look out for signs of an invasion, they formed an elite group called the Guardians who would be the first line of defense if they were attacked. They are made up of a select group of Kree and their apprentices. This story is about two particular Kree, Coran and his apprentice Karen, as well as a new group who comes and starts to kidnap Kree. No one can trace them in till they take Coran and Karen goes after them with Nick.   
                         CHAPTER 1
Running was the only thing on her mind as Karen flew down the dark mountain side. The moon covered by dark clouds as if telling her she wouldn’t escape. Suddenly haunting howls rose from behind causing her to fall down and roll. Scrambling up, she continued to scurry down the mountain. Seeing the trees in front of her, Karen put on a burst of speed to reach them. Suddenly sharp claws dig into her flank pulling her away from safety. Panicking she swung a paw at the thing that held her back from safety. The thing howled in pain and let go, bolting before it could recover she ran for the trees. It caught up and slammed her to the ground digging in razor sharp claws in to her shoulder. Howling with pain, she slammed her tail into its head then buried her claws into its side and ripped down its length. The thing screamed and slammed in to her again, rolling her over. Then it put its claws over her throat ready to kill. “Stop;” Shouted a familiar voice. Karen looked over and saw Coran her master was at the edge of the jungle. The thing just laughed and cut her throat. The last thing she saw was its thing’s bright red eyes and Coran’s angry howl.

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Allicat001 replied...
Feb. 14, 2013 at 5:04 pm

I thought this was quite descriptive and well written.  The only things I noticed were minor grammar errors, such as the words "look out" in the preface, they should have been the compound word "lookout", other than that, good job and keep writing!

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WhenItRains21 replied...
Feb. 15, 2013 at 8:11 pm

Nicely written, but with a few grammar mistakes. It sounds like a great story :) 
Also, I LOVE the way you switch from a scientific tone in the preface to the more narrative in the first chapter. 

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nightseeker replied...
Feb. 20, 2013 at 10:00 am

thanks for the tips. i do have a spelling problem but i try to fix that

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KenyaLove41 replied...
Feb. 21, 2013 at 6:47 pm

I love your idea for the story but i did notice some things. Are you trying to turn this into a book? Because if so then i don't think that the preface is that nessecary and that those details can be incorporated into the book. the only thing i really noticed after that was in the first sentence of chapter one it says, "Running was the only thing on her mind as Karen fleew down the dark mountain side..." I  don't think the word "running" would be the appropiate word here because you say that she 's flying so how is she running at the same time? I get what you're trying to say be i suggest that you replace it with "escaping" instead. Anyways that's all i have to say. Happy writing(;

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