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"Lost Love" (it's a short Story)

Valery5This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:53 pm

 
Rebekah rushed into the hospital out of breath.  Gina tried to calm her down.  While Jonny talked to the nurse at the front desk.  The three of them waited in the waiting room. Rebekah could not stay still. She was living her worst nightmare. She kept replaying the call she got back home.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
“Hello” Rebekah answered the phone.
“This is Los Angles Hospital. Do you know Mr. Adrian Owen?” the person asked.
“Yes.  He is my fiancé.” Rebekah said.
“I am sorry to tell you this over the phone but Mr. Owen is in the operating room right now. It appears that he was shot.” The person on the phone said. Rebekah’s heart stop and the phone dropped from her hand. She could hear Jonny’s voice in the background asking her who was on the phone, but Rebekah could not answer him. She was frozen.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
“I hate hospitals.” Gina said.
“I hate waiting.” Rebekah said.
Rebekah walked around the waiting room biting her lower lip. It was like a suspense movie that would never end.  The clock kept ticking and still nothing new. Rebekah felt worthless walking around the waiting room, not being able to do anything to help Adrian, but wait.
He cannot leave me, Rebekah thought in her head. Adrian and Rebekah had been together for years. They met their first year of middle school and never let go of each other since then. They were best friend and deeply in love. He has been in my life forever. I don’t know how to live without him, she thought in her head. Two hours went by and still nothing. Rebekah was about to yell when she saw a doctor walk into the waiting room. “Are you all Adrian Owen relatives?” the doctor asked.
“Yes. I am his cousin, this is his sister and this is his fiancée.” Jonny quickly said. There was no point in asking the oblivious question that he was about to be answer. Rebekah grabbed hold of Gina’s arm. She felt like she was going to faint.
“Adrian had three bullets inside him; one in his right leg, another in his right side, and the last one near his lung. We were able to remove two bullets safely. The tricky one was the bullet near his lung. It was dangers to move the bullet and it was dangers to just leave the bullet there.” The doctor explained. Rebekah hold Gina’s arm tighter.  “Just tell us already. Is he okay? Is he still alive?” Gina asked. Suddenly the room went silent and cold. Rebekah could feel her hear heart beat increase.
“We lost him. I am deeply sorry. When we removed the third bullet blood rushed into his lung too quickly.” The doctor said.
Rebekah could not breathe and she felt her fingers go cold. Gina was crying and Jonny hugged her. Rebekah stood there speechless.
He’s gone, Rebekah thought in her head. “No, no, no, no!” Rebekah yelled and she started to run. Panic quickly took over her. Rebekah had no idea where she was going. “Adrian! Adrian, where are you?” she yelled running down the hallway. Rebekah wanted to see Adrian. She wanted to see him alive with his green eyes looking at her filled with love telling her I love you. Rebekah could hear Jonny yell her name. She was not going to stop until she saw Adrian. Until his arms were wrapped around her once more.
 A sharp pain in her stomach hit her hard and she stopped running. Her head began to spin. “Ad…Adrain.” She whispered and her vision went black.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Nine Months Later
“It’s a boy!” the nurse announced. Rebekah smiled as she saw the nurse hold her newborn baby boy in the air. The nurse placed the newborn in Rebekah arms. Gina was standing next to her in tears. Rebekah’s eyes began to tear up. She couldn’t believe she had just given birth to a baby boy.
“What is the baby’s name?” the nurse asked Rebekah.
“Adrian Owen. Just like his father.” Rebekah answered.

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Valery5This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:54 pm

plz give me feed back!!! this is the first short story that i write

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Ella_Rose replied...
Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:20 pm

Aww.. Sad but its good!:)

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undefined_passion replied...
Feb. 5, 2013 at 10:36 pm

Lovely story, though there were a few errors that interrupted the story. *THIS ISN'T MEANT TO BE HARSH*
"Rebekah rushed to the hospital out of breath. Gina tried to calm her down. While Johnny.."
The periods in the sentence, for me, was a big distraction. Instead of a comma, a period is like stopping and re-starting. A suggestion..
"Gina tried to calm her down, while Johnny.."
There is also a bit of overuse in Adrian's name. You could simply refer to Adrian as "him" none other is in the hospital.
~
"Rebekah was about to yell when.."
It would be better, in this case, to use the word "scream."
Many minor grammar/spelling errors..
"Are you all Adrian Owen relatives?"
Instead of..
"Are you all Adrian Owen's relatives?"
"It was dangers to move the bullet and dangers to just leave the bullet there." 
Not dangers. Dangerous.
Other than some mentioned above, the writing was great! Nice short story.
Rating: 3/5
 

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teen-rebel replied...
Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:15 pm

this is soo good :)

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