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Feedback please (Action-Thriller)

Purf3ctTacos posted this thread...
Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:28 pm

(I just wanted to know how this was, I'm working on a peice and I just wanted some feedback, or grammar corrections. I'm 13 so, I expect there to be a lot of grammar issues.)
The young boy waved some white threads of hair out of his face, his skin was a pale blue and his eyes a menacing green. He stood on top of a large grotesque creature in an alleyway, It's body was a peach color, with many rifts and ruptures staining the slick skin a crimson red.
"You were fighter alright!" He said, a metallic sound echoing to his voice, he was 5'5 and the creature was easily 5 times his size. As he spoke a green ooze dripped from his mouth.
"Basilus! You're drooling again!" Said a woman with a strong voice, from the back of the alley way. She was a tall 6 feet and thin, she had long black hair that reached down to her knees and where her ears peaked out behind them were bat looking wings.
"Shut up Marry! And My name isn't Basilus! It's Dakota..." Dakota hissed at the young woman, who looked awfully like him, though her eyes were blood red. "Your a Daitya, Basilus is your birth name, get used to it. and you should more careful we're in alley way! anyone could see you!" Marry said.
 

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Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:26 pm

There are a couple of things to fix, but don't worry. Besides the grammar issues, you need to make sure that you don't tell the description, but show the description.
Ex) The air smelled bad.
A poignant odor wafted through the air.
 
Now this example isn't perfect, but it doesn't matter if it sounds just right. I just hope you see that you can describe the same sentence without directly telling the reader what it looks like.
Don't tell me the moon is shining, show the glint of light on broken glass.
Anton Chekhov

Also can you please comment, rate, or just check out some of my work please? It would mean a lot :)

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