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New story so constuctive critisism needed!

LaurenD. posted this thread...
Jan. 18, 2013 at 5:28 pm

Hey, so I'm writting this fanfic/horror story and I could really use some help trying to improve it. All comments welcome and let me know if I should post this story or if I should just give up on it. Here is the beginning:
 
Niall's POV
The walls in the room starts closing in. I didn't think it was possible to freak out more
than I already was. I haven't eaten in 2 hours. Harry is still unconscious on the floor in front of me. Louis is crying
over top of Harry while Zayn tries to calm him down.
"He's going to be fine" Zayn says to Louis, "Just give him some time."
"I-I-I'm not sure..." Louis starts to respond between sobs, when he's interrupted by the
familiar voice over the speakers.
"As you can see, you will all die a slow and painful death by the walls that are closing in.
But, to make this more interesting, there is a hidden door somewhere in this room. If you
can find it, you are free to go. If not, it's syanora to the rest of One Direction."
*Five Hours Earlier*

"Hurry up guys or we'll be late for Liam's party!" I yell upstairs.
"Coming!" Harry, Louis and Zayn reply while running down the stairs.
"Trying to find a girl tonight Nialler?" asks Harry.
I feel my face start to turn red and I mutter "Shut up Harry" as I walk out of the house.
The boys race past me to Louis's car fighting over who gets to sit shot gun.
"This party is gonna be so awesome." Zayn exclaims for the 4th time since we got in the
car.
20 minutes later we arrive at the Ministry of Sound.
"How did Liam manage to book this place for the party?" Louis asks dumbfounded as they pull up outside.
"Who cares?!" I scream, jumping out of the car. "Let's get our party on!"
 

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Jan. 24, 2013 at 7:59 pm

It was cute, but you've got some grammar and word choice issues. If you try substituting words like "freak" and "awesome", for slightly better synonyms, and fix the grammar, it'll be absolutely adorable :)
 
Can you pretty please check out some of my work? Thanks!

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ZozeyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 28, 2013 at 5:36 pm

It definetly sounds like something I would read. I would add in more describtion, this seems a bit like a frame, you need to put in the picture! I am have trouble feeling the terror they must be feeling, Also what does the room look like? Is there a smeel? Where does the voice come from, everywhere, or a certain spot in the room (I know the speaker, but where is the speaker?)? What shape is the room? Can the main character feel (like is he numb)? I would give a short describtion of the room, then foccus in on what the main charackter is feeling.

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MorenSore replied...
Jan. 28, 2013 at 10:24 pm

While I would add some more decription, i would definitley add less in some places. Like when you said " obviously you are about to die by the walls closing in on you" it sounds long and redundant, the reader already knows about the walls. You should just leave it at obviously you are about to die (a pianful death, wouldn't be bad description in replacement.) but...." see the sentance flows now instead of sounding like something i already know. And definitaly don't give up on it, it sounds like you have a descent plot going.

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MorenSore replied...
Jan. 28, 2013 at 10:41 pm

ATTENTION: PLEASE READ THE THREAD BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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LaurenD. replied...
Feb. 13, 2013 at 4:55 pm

Thank you all for the help! I will edit it and re-post here to see if you like it better
 

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