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How can I improve?

whatelseistheretodobutwrite posted this thread...
Jan. 13, 2013 at 8:50 pm

He sat deafeningly silent as he twiddled his thumbs and looked around, cute and clueless like a playful little puppy. He was as fidgety as a kid on Christmas morning, smoothing his hair and stretching his arms out wide or tapping his fingers to an unknown beat.
I peeked out from behind my book, looking up for a split second to catch a glimpse of those gorgeous deep, brown, intoxicating eyes.
A smile crept across his face, mischievous and genuine as he let out a knowing chuckle. “Want to play a game?” he asked. His shoulders eased as he rested his forearms on the table and leaned forward. There was something about him that made me catch my breath dizzy, but I guess that’s what they call butterflies.
Now it was my turn to act coy and oblivious. I smiled timidly, tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and I put my book down, “Sure!” I said, feeling giddy as I let a lighthearted smile slip out. His little antics leave me breathless with every nonchalant hello, knowing smile, and shared glance; he knew I wouldn’t or that I couldn’t say no.
He leaned closer and whispered, “Okay, put your hands out like this.” pointing both index fingers at me.
I mirrored his posture. I tilted my head up meeting his mesmerizing gaze; he gave me a reassuring ear to ear grin.
“Good. Now the goal is to make the other person reach five. I’ll go first. If I tap either one of your fingers you’ll now have two fingers.” he instructs, as he stroked my finger lingering just a little. “Okay” he continues, “it’s your turn now, tap either of my fingers.”
I reached out and lightly caressed his finger. I was ecstatic feeling absolutely giddily girlish as I blushed and quickly retreated.
I’ve waited weeks for that moment. I diligently memorized him in secret, taking in everything from the sweeping contours of his jaw to the way he toys with his hair when he’s nervous. I endlessly daydreamed while he sat just a few feet away, doing homework or sketching, blissfully unaware. We’ve been friendly acquaintances for awhile just saying hello and making small talk, but I couldn’t help but feel smitten. Lying awake at night just before I drift off to dreamland I imagine our first embrace, my first kiss; the fairytale would play out with sparks flying leaving me breathless and still hoping. I never imagined a game could make me feel just as head over heels.
He pulled me back to reality when he asked, “Remember your goal is to reach five, so how would you make me reach five fingers faster than you?” he lifted an eyebrow and smiled meeting my bashful gaze.
I giggled nervously, feeling as foolish as an eager little kid too impatient to wait for their cookie to cool. “Oh, so I would use the hand you just taped to get you to have three fingers?” I asked, trying to act naïve and downplaying my overzealousness.
“Right, so try again.” he encouraged
I met his eyes and flashed a shy thankful smile as I redid my turn.
“Yep, you’ve got this now. So you have two fingers on the left and one on the right, I have one finger on my left and three on my right.” he summarized. He taped my right hand with his left. Meeting my gaze he lowered his chin, tilted his head, raised his eyebrows, and offered a charming ear to ear grin as he whispered, “Your turn.”
I reached over and brushed his hand with my fingertips, running my fingers from his wrist down. Our eyes locked and my breath was stolen.
He moved intertwining our fingers. For a moment we were lost in the gentle caress. I looked up at him and smiled, this time I was the knowing one as I playfully proclaimed, “You let me win! Didn’t you?”
We both shared a laugh as he kissed my hand. “Maybe.” he said, with that captivating grin.
I was just about to challenge him to another game, when suddenly my alarm clock gave out a demanding shrill and I regrettably opened my eyes.

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KateyKatThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 14, 2013 at 6:18 pm

ITts decent for what I assume is a rough draft, maybe describe a little more about the boy so readers can better understand what she likes so much about him. For instance when I have a crush on a boy I think a lot about the physical aspects I like about him, but if you don't want her to appear too vapid maybe describe how his smile is always so sincere and how he wears his heart on his sleeve. Something like that. Hope I helped!

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