Facebook Activity



Teen Ink on Twitter

Home > Forums > Writers' Workshop Forums > Fiction & Short Stories > Feedback Please (love story start)

Writers' Workshop Forums

Where teen writers share their work
   
Next thread » « Previous thread

Feedback Please (love story start)

tydykes posted this thread...
Jan. 12, 2013 at 12:12 am

 
The day is fresh as I roll over to hit snooze on my phone alarm. Oh, how I miss the days where my mother would wake me up for school. Being an adult is only half of what I thought it would be. The cold floor sends a shiver through my spine as I cross the hallway to the floor bathroom to shower. The water floods my body washing away the remains of last night’s cry. As the water streams down my body, the gravity of my faults seeps into my mind. I begin to cry as my mind races to the night before. I want to sit down in the shower, but college is not exactly sitting down in the shower material. The cramped stall closes in on my shaking body and for a moment I am sure I will faint, but I don’t. I let the water run over my body until it runs cold and then I slowly step out and wrap myself in the towel I left outside the stall. I stop; all the energy I typically have is dissipated and my body needs to sit. As I walk out of the bathroom I know that I am behind schedule, but I cannot make my legs go any faster. Getting dressed is a slow process, but I am out the door for workouts with plenty of time left. My face looks like I haven’t slept in years and my eyes are almost swollen shut from crying, but I am alive.
The cold early morning air confronts my body and causes my eyes to open just a tiny bit closer to normal width. The walk to our gym seems four times longer than usual, but the cold feels refreshing and awakening with each step. By the time I reach our women’s soccer locker room, my body is dragging but I feel a slight victory in making it there.
“Jess!” I hear as the door opens. I watch as my teammate Savannah enters the locker room. Once she sees my face, her excitement disappears. “What’s wrong, Jess?” She asks.
“I-uh…I lost my best friend, Sav…she’s gone.” I reply, trying to hold back the tears I can feel building behind my lids. Savannah walks slowly over to me and gives me a hug. Her hug feels foreign and cold as my mind flashes back to yesterday’s phone call.
I can’t be with you. You are not better than you’re father. I can’t. I love you, but I can’t do this. Click
I must have been giving off a cold vibe, because Savannah releases my numb body and tries to show me a smile as she turns toward her locker to get ready for workouts. Somehow I get dressed although my body feels like autopilot. As the remaining team members enter, conversation swirls around me, but I am only partially aware of the world going on outside of my own body. I follow the team down to the new weight room, which seems a daunting change I was not prepared for although I knew of its’ reconstruction. The room is open, hot, and smells of new equipment.
I join the first group I see and begin to read the day’s workout plan. The room is spinning, my head hurts, yet I keep pushing the weight into the proper position directly above my head.
I cant do this. You are pathetic. You don’t deserve me.
The thoughts are in escapable and the pain is palpable that I am sure anyone looking at me can see it radiate off of my brown skin. Workouts press on and when they are finally over I walk out of the new weight room a zombie searching for a soul to feel. The long hallway to the locker room is flooded with a smell almost as distressing as my mood, and it is as if the world is signaling its’ end. I never thought I would feel like this, so helpless, so lost. A breeze crosses my body as a late basketball player rushes out of his locker room to the gym. Keep going. Right leg. Left leg. Right leg. You keep telling yourself to step while your body is crying to shut down.
            “Hey, Jess, are you okay?” a teammate asks, although the first time it does not register, and she repeats, “Jess, Jess, hey are you okay?”
            “Huh?” I turn startled by the voice coming from behind my left shoulder, “-uh, yeah, yeah I will be.” The teammate’s figure disappears up the stairs leading to the locker room as I realize I have been standing at the water fountain not moving an inch. I slowly move forward and take the steps one at a time until I reach the emptying locker room. As I drag my carcass to my locker on the far end of the red and blue locker room, I hear teammates leaving and saying goodbye, but for some reason my mouth won’t open up to respond.
            But we used to be so happy. You loved me. I was yours and you were mine. Don’t go, oh please don’t go.
            The memories keep flooding back and this time the tears are falling from my eyes before I can even think to stop them and I crawl into the corner near my locker and begin to quietly sob. The corner itself is filled with smelly equipment, but I sit in that corner and cry with no knowledge of time length. After crying for so long, your body begins to black out. It’s almost like being too drunk, only there is no high, just tears. By the time I pull myself up and check the time I only have five minutes to get to my class. Then my body begins to cramp and turn against itself as if it wishes it could eat itself from the inside out. Class is forgotten as I remember the comfort in sleep. As I drive back to my form room, I feel pathetic and cold, but I also feel a desperate need for a release. My body steers itself into the elevator and into my bed as my brain shuts down and the tears begin to come more and more violently until my eyes shut and I fall asleep.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
KateyKat replied...
Jan. 12, 2013 at 7:12 pm

I love these kind of pieces that really connect with reality and the issues at hand. If you don't mind would you mind reading and commenting on my new piece Lurking Shadows?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
jetta.ckThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 18, 2013 at 3:01 pm

Very interesting! Your descriptions are amazing! I could really feel the character's pain. I'm a little confused on what's going on... but that's the charm of the story :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Jan. 24, 2013 at 8:40 pm

This was really good! I liked it. :) Can you check out some of my work as well?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Jan. 25, 2013 at 3:18 pm

The first paragraph or two felt a little choppy to me but once I read farther down, the story was really great! It picked up and began to smooth out nicely. I could really feel your character's struggle. 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread

Launch Teen Ink Chat
Site Feedback