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Impala3 posted this thread...
Dec. 14, 2012 at 12:09 am

Four Simple words
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." Is  A quote I have learned to live by.  I changed into my bright purple Nike running shorts with the neon orange pin stripes along the side and a an old arsenal t shirt from when I still played soccer Although I dint like it. While the other girls were going to soccer I was in the gym dribbling basketball and running suicides. For being the daughter of two professors I don’t know where I got my athletic genes from but they are there I’m sure of that. What I wasn’t sure of was our new neighbor. Since moving to the outskirts of New York for moms work a few weeks ago I had noticed he always seemed to be up to something
I rummaged around in my closet through countless piles of shoes and laundry and moved around boxes I still hadn’t unpacked.  Every once in a while I came across old power bars and empty Gatorade bottles that had ventured out of my gym bags. I finally found my orange Nikes to match the pin stripes of my shorts.  I went downstairs and pulled out an old wooden chair from the table in the kitchen. As I sat down the old wooden chair groaned and a cloud of dust arose in the sunlight from the navy blue ratted cushions. Outside I could see the slight summer breeze make ripples in the glass water of the pool. I knew dad had something on his mind he would talk to me about, why else would he ask me to run on a Monday night .  I glanced up to see my dad in too short shorts and a bright yellow jogging shirt. His brown leg hair stood out noticeably against his paper white legs like graphite on printer paper. “Ready?” he asked enthusiastically. I followed my dad out to the drive way, heard the old wooden door slam, and we were off.
It was an odd run usually my dad and I talk about everything under the sun but today there was an uneasy silence. I counted the amount of houses we passed with blue shutters.  “One, two, three
We were about halfway done with our run and had passed 10 houses with blue shutters when my dad decided to break the silence.
 “I want you to meet the Doctor here Ryan, especially before you start basketball just in case. They sent over all your paperwork from Colorado.”  
I nodded “good idea” I managed to squeeze out but just thinking about doctors’ offices made me cringe.  I was diagnosed with a type Nonmelanoma skin cancer last year. They say they got it all the first surgery but my leg had been sore the last couple months, just healing process I assume. I was lucky enough to receive only a few sessions of chemo so I didn’t lose all my hair. The silence crept over us again like a heavy wool blanket.  13, 14, 15 houses with blue shutters.
Once we got home I immediately went to the pool.  I kicked off my Nikes and took off my tee shirt and left them sitting in a pile by the pools edge.  I pulled my blue headband around my neck and pushed back my light blond baby hairs that were sticking out back and into place. As took my spot on the lime green float I looked real close at my scar. Being from Italian decent my natural tan skin glistened with little water droplets from the occasional splash of my foot and there was my scar about 6 inches long and white. It was hard to miss but I liked it stood out like clouds in a blue sky.  Sure people gave me looks but it was a part of me and now I can’t imagine my legs without it.
I was born in Denver Colorado where the love of my life Basketball was introduced to me.  I played there for 7 years and loved my team. My mother is a professor and got an opportunity to study here in N.Y.  for her job.  My family hoped she would say no but we knew deep down it was selfish to keep her from doing so.  So here we are in the outskirts of New York when we belong in Colorado. And tomorrow I was going to meet my new Doctor. The more I thought about it the more I missed Dr. H in Colorado.  I heard mom call for diner so I pushed my raft over to the steps, put my shirt back on, and went inside although I wasn’t that hungry anymore. 
                The next day I walked into the sterile room that smelled strongly of rubber surgical gloves and antiseptic a smell I had become accustomed to. I sat on the cushioned counter and waited for an eternity till I heard a knock on the door.  In front of me cascading from the door instead of a big bald Dr. H was a petite lady in blue scrubs and star earrings. Her blond hair pulled back into a ponytail. She looked happy and smelled pleasant and introduced herself as Dr. Brooks but to call her Janie. I smiled and we began conversation as she did the physical part of this visit. Once she came to across my scar she took me to a separate room and had me do tests I had done 1000 times before but this time they hurt a little more. After the simple exercises she took me to the CAT scan machine. I put on the gown and laid on the bed as the heavy metal machine engulfed me. I decided I really didn’t mind Janie she seemed nice and knowledgeable.  Then I heard a beep meaning I could get up.  She smiled and walked out and introduced herself to my mom. I left the clinic feeling good.  I had a follow-up planned in two weeks but 2 days later we relieved a phone call asking us if we would come in sooner.  I hoped it was that they lost the CAT scan and wanted me to do another but I knew it couldn’t be that simple.
The next day I sat on the same cushioned counter in the same room and heard the same knock it was the same person to greet me, Janie, but this time the atmosphere was so tense you could cut I with a knife.  My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt woozy. My Dad was leaning up against the wall and my mom sitting in a blue plastic chair. 
“I have to tell you something.” Janie said hearing the tone in her voice I grew nervous. The words that came from her mouth are cancer survivors’ worst nightmare.  The four simple words that changed my life for the second time….
“It has come back”
Throughout my story “Four simple words” I used three key literary devices to help enhance my story and make it interesting. His brown leg hair stood out noticeably against his paper white legs like graphite on printer paper and my scar stood out like clouds in a blue sky are both examples of using similes. These similes enhance the story by giving you a crisp image if how it looked. I could’ve just said his leg hair stood out but when you ad in the “like something” it makes the writing more interesting and easier to picture.  I enjoy writing with similes so the reader can better picture the story because I sometimes struggle to do so.  The second key literary device I used was Foreshadowing. By giving clues to the audience about how her leg had been hurting on the run and during the test Dr. Janie gave I was trying to foreshadow that it might be coming back. Also when she got the phone call so you knew something bad was bound to happen. I enjoy foreshadowing to keep the reader interesting and let them know what’s going on so it’s not a big surprise out of the blue. It wouldn’t make since if she’s feeling fine then all of a sudden she has cancer.   The third literary device I used throughout my story was Epigraph. I choose the quote "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain”  I thought this quote was a good way to start the story to show that she has overcome a lot of things and  kind of foreshadowing in a way.  I like using an Epilogue to show what she’s overcome and  as a good way to start a story.

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KenyaLove41 replied...
Dec. 15, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Okay you have some interesting ideas here for your story but i noticed some things. First off i liked the quote you used in the beginning but i thought that the sentence after it didn't support it enough it make it relavant. you say that that is what he's learned to live by then... he's on to changing into his nike's. Yeah that was very confusing so my advice:leave it out. Secondly, you jumped from idea to the next ALOT. For example one minute he's looking for his nike's then he's thinking about his athletic ability and then he's thinking about his neighbor. All of these ideas are being thrown around without any real transtions from one thing to another which made the peice very confusing. And you did this throughout your whole story which was why when he mention's having cancer i got very confused. The second half of the story when he's explaining that he has cancer confused me the most because one minute he's running with his dad then he's explaining about his cancer and his doctor back in colorado. Anyways next i noticed a few grammar and spelling mistakes that could be easily fixed. Finally i was confused about the gender of your character. I originally thought they were a girl but you said ,"Ryan" so i assumed that it was a guy so please clarify. Anyway overall you need to used effective transitions when moving from one idea to another or don't mention it at all. Elobrate on the idea before moving on the next and read what you've wrote to make sure what you've said is in the right place in your story. If the idea isn't relavant to  the piece then don't  add it in at all. That will clear some of what your trying to say up and lessen the confusion your readers might experience. Anyways i hope you take some of my advice into consideration Good luck and keep writing(:

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