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Feedback on some Stories

SunnySummers posted this thread...
Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:56 pm

   I have a small collection of stories that I'm working on, and I'd like to know what everyone thinks. The intended audience is probably the tween/teen group, even though I know younger readers won't be able to see it here.
   Any input will be greatly, greatly appreciated!

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SunnySummers replied...
Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:57 pm

I'll be posting excerpts, little blurbs of the storyline. Please let me know what you think!

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SunnySummers replied...
Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:01 pm

  “Between planning Mom’s surprise party and that stupid health project, I’ve barely had time to sleep. That doll kept waking me up so I could feed it! I was out of those bottles to give it and the instruction book was, like, a hundred pages long. There was no was I was reading something like that at three in the morning.”
   “How did you get it to go back to sleep? Jamie passed little Alfredo over to me last night and I couldn’t get him to drink his bottle for anything. I was burping that thing for an hour.”
   “I did what any responsible parent would do,” I told him, resisting the urge to roll my eyes at the awful name he’d given his health class “baby”. “I smacked it against the wall until it turned off.”
   “Brook! What kind of way is that to treat your own daughter?!” He gasped in horror.
   “That thing is a girl? My partner named it Jeff.”

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SunnySummers replied...
Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:04 pm

   “Peter’s holding auditions for his film class assignment. The best short film with be entered into the New York City Young Filmmakers’ Contest. We’re doing a science fiction film.”
   “That’s cool. I love science fiction,” I heard Javier’s voice behind me. “I hope I get cast.”
   I turned to face the Spanish hottie with stars in my eyes. His chocolate brown hair was smooth and perfect, like every feature on his Hispanic face. He said something to me, but I didn’t really hear it. I nodded as he turned and walked away into the sunset. Okay, okay, there was no sunset. It was three thirty in the afternoon, but I felt like he should’ve been riding a white steed into the sunset with me mounted behind him.
   Zach elbowed me in my gut and I realized I’d been standing with my mouth open for about a minute.
   “You’re auditioning for the lead in our movie? When did you take an interest in helping Peter with schoolwork?”
   Zack rolled his eyes at an oblivious Kay.
   “What? No way,” I answered quickly. “Peter can find another nerd to play Princess Leigha. I’m not risking the public humiliation when this thing blows up in his face. Hey, you can audition!”
   “Then why’d you just tell Javier you were auditioning?”
   I looked at Zach in horror. He nodded with a shrug.
   I groaned loudly. “I can’t think straight when I’m talking to him!”
   “What’s the big deal?” Zach asked. “Just be in your brother’s thing this one time. It can’t kill you.”
   “Wanna bet?” I mumbled, following Zach and Kay down the street as they continued stapling audition signs to trees and telephone poles.

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SunnySummers replied...
Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:06 pm

   “Mmmm,” Peter hummed to himself, “I don’t think I can do that. The sign says 3pm. It wouldn’t be fair to the other people who come on time.”
   I heaved a sigh at him. “Peter, no one else is auditioning for your Dork Fest.” I ignored an indignant gasp from Kay.
   “C’mon, Peter, just let them audition,” Zack urged.
   Peter silently agonized over making the decision.
   I grabbed his marker, walked up to the whiteboard he’d labeled for the event, and changed the time to 2:55. “Problem solved,” I tossed it back at him. “Now let us read for our parts.”

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SunnySummers replied...
Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:06 pm

   An hour later I was napping on our living room sofa.
   “Get up,” Peter shook me awake. “Mom just left. We have to get the decorations ready for tomorrow night.”
   “Tomorrow night?” I asked groggily.
   “Mom’s party.” He shoved me again. “Here’s the list. Get to the store before it closes.”
   “Yeah, because most stores close at four on a Saturday,” I sarcastically shot at him.
   He handed me a piece of paper decorated in his perfectly neat handwriting, undaunted by my unenthusiastic reply.
   I waited for him to disappear into our kitchen. “Hey Zach,” I called down to the basement.
   “Brook, I’m busy designing the set.”
   “If you go shopping with me I’ll ask Kay if she likes you,” I shouted into the darkness.
   “I can do that myself.”
   “Then why don’t you?”
   “Okay, fine, but I have a feeling you won’t be any help at the store.”
   “I totally agree. I’ll just slow you down. Thanks.” I handed him the list when he’d reached the top of the stairs.
   “Okay, so you’ll talk to her while I’m out?”
   “Heck no,” I laughed. “I’m going back to sleep.”

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