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Need help. Trying to win contest at school. REVISIONS

Mayell posted this thread...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 6:55 pm

 
       Somebody That I Used To Know
 
Every time I hear the word “change”,  I automatically think back to my old friend Zoey. Zoey and I were very close at one point in our lives, but then everything changed. When we went into middle school things became different. She found new friends, and so did I. I didn’t know that everyday Zoey was becoming more, and more, like her new group of friends. Zoey’s new friends were far from being “good kids.” They were a crowd of misfits and they had a reputation for being bad. She changed that year and, I realized I would probably never have the same kind friend as I had before middle school started.
Peanut butter and jelly was the best way to describe my friendship with Zoey. We were inseparable; there was not a single thing that we did without each other. Zoey wasn’t even my friend she was more like my sister. She was the type of sister that you think will never turn against you and that you never want to leave your life. We grew up together, so we knew each other well.
Zoey was a tiny trouble maker when we were going up and I was there to always save her from her danger. The time she stole a cookie from my parents’ cookie jar; I was there to explain to them that our cat got a hold of it. Though, that really wasn’t the case. Even in kindergarten she started causing a mess by putting glue in someone’s hair; I couldn’t save her from that trouble, but if I could I did. Even though I tried my best, I couldn’t save her from everything.
 As we entered middle school, I believe Zoey got tired of me being her only friend. She abandoned me and I found new friends. When Zoey started hanging out with her new friends, I could see the difference clear as day. Zoey began smoking and drinking. Many people may think I’m a fibber, saying “A middle school girl drinking? That’s a lie!”, but it’s not. People don’t seem to realize how careless and abominable this world can turn out to be. I tried working with her. I suggested going to a program to help her, but she declined all of my offers. My parents always told me “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves,” so I eventually gave up.
It was far from easy seeing my best friend suffer like that. She had a bright future ahead of her. I did everything I could do, if I had more in me I would’ve went beyond my power. I couldn’t be a superhero forever. I thought she needed to save herself this time.
In time, I got over it. I would love to have my friend back, but I don’t want her if she’s not willing to take my help. Zoey showed me what change is really like. She showed me how real and serious it could be. As far as I’m concerned, Zoey is just somebody that I use to know.
People change for many reasons, but mostly they change because of who they keep in their company. Like Zoey, many kids get influenced by the wrong crowd. Zoey started hanging with a bad crowd of friends, and as a result she changed into one of them. All she did was what she saw her friends doing. It’s like a recitation of “Monkey see, monkey do.”
            I believe that change is everywhere, from the seasons, down to the time. To be honest everyone changes at one time in their life. Change isn’t like a big bowling ball that you can clearly see and dodge its hit. Whether for the good or the bad, change happens. There’s not a thing that stays the same. I actually appreciate my experience with Zoey. It taught me how people change, which is possibly the best lesson I could ever learn. 

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Allicat001 replied...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I thought this was pretty good, the only things I noticed in this piece were a few grammatical mistakes that I would probably address to make your piece flow more easily.  For example, in paragraph 1, I noticed that you had said “Zoey wasn’t even my friend she was my best friend” I would probably put a comma in between the words “friend” and “she” just to make it flow more easily.  Then in paragraph two, I noticed that you said “I couldn’t save her from that trouble”, I might phrase it “I couldn’t save her that time”, again just to make it flow more easily. But otherwise great job and good luck in your contest! :)

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guardianofthestarsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I agree with Allicat001 about the things she said but I'd add: in the last paragraph the 2nd sentence, you may want to put a comma after 'honest' so it would be "To be honest," because I think that'd be a introductory phrase. 
But it was very well written!  And good luck on your contest!!

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Mayell replied...
Dec. 11, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Thanks you guys really did help (:

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AmayaEcho replied...
Dec. 11, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Your story is a classic; friends growing apart. To differ yours from similar situations, might I suggest reading your story out loud as you correct grammatical errors? That often helps me figure out the flow of the story. Also take a look at subject-verb agreement. "You can't help somebody who doesn't want to help herself, not 'themselves," for example. Another way to enhance the story is to enhance the vocabulary. thesaurus.com is your best friend for that. All in all, I think the story is very well written, it is an excellent expression of mood, and the theme of the work is very clear.

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SteelersJdog replied...
Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:19 am

I liked your story, I thought that it was well written. However, I would advise using more dialog and action to progress the story. You did a fantastic job on the exposition, but I feel that you could use some scenes of dialog to help show the message rather than just explain it. Great job though, I think that you will place well in your contest! :)

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