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Can I Get Some Feedback on this?

AXLRgirl2420 posted this thread...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 5:33 pm

My love, Ronny, and I, Julius, sat at the reservoir, thinking about silly things, such as whose house we would invade next, or if they were to die that day. It made me laugh that this was the only thing that we had on our minds. We did not think of what the usual seventeen-year-olds thought of. Not what we had for homework, or if we were going to get any that night. No, we thought of the important things. The sky, the clouds, the puddles of blood that people made after being stabbed. Oh the world, such a beautiful place to be. It all reminded me of when I first met my Ronny…
I was the shortest girl in the class, not that I really cared. I was still tougher than all of the boys in the class. We were in Year Six or Seven, and I was already a skilled fighter. My parents did not know this, but everyday that they sent me off to school, I carried a small knife, and a pistol with me. Where I got them, I do not recall, probably off some drug addict in a back alley. I was never into drugs, just violence. I had always loved violence. It was a beautiful thing, really.
As I walked up to the school that fine day, I happened to notice a boy, tall as could be, with flaming red hair, leaning against the bricks of the school. He was wearing all black, almost an exact replica of my outfit. Black button-up shirt, black tie, black trousers, even down to the black basketball shoes. He gave off a vibe, one that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. So, in an attempt to figure out what the boy was all about, I walked up to him.
“Hello, love. How are ya today?” He asked me, smiling at me. I could see his soul from his green eyes. He just stared at me, looking down at me. He had to be almost six feet tall.
“Don’t…call me ‘love’.” I told him assertively. He put his hands up, still smiling and staring.
“Alright. Sorry.” He said.
“Who the hell are you?” I asked him, standing a bit back from him. I wasn’t one to trust, but I was ready to pull out my knife at any second.
“Ah. I’m Ronald, but please,” He said, pausing, and leaning down to be eye-to-eye with me, “call me Ronny.”
“I see.” I muttered, thinking.
“And you must be…?” He asked me.
“Julius.” I said, looking away from him. I stared down at my long, curly blonde hair. He was awful cute, but I just wasn’t sure of him. I wasn’t even sure I should’ve given him my name.
“Such a beautiful name for a beautiful girl…” He said, sighing. I looked up at him, knowing that I was blushing.
“Why are you here?” I asked, trying not to show that I was starting to like him.
“God has sent me. I believe to help you.” He said to me, a dead serious look on his face. I laughed, chuckled.
“There is no God.” I told him.
“Believe in him or not, He sent me here for a reason.” He smiled. I just rolled my eyes. I was thinking I had gotten myself into a mess, talking to this crazy person. But then, the bell rang, and he reached out his hand. “Shall we go?” He asked. I hesitated for a moment, but then I grabbed his hand. It was the start to a beautiful friendship.
Hey everyone, so I haven't posted this on here yet...I was hoping I could get some feedback on here before posting it? Thansk!!!

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hollyax1999 replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 12:24 pm

Great story. It's very well written and really draws the reader in. I especially like he line 'I could see his soul from his green eyes'. The only thing I would suggest is to use a different word rather than class in the sentence 'I was still tougher than all of the boys in the class.' as you also used it in the sentence before. But overall a good story that's really well written. :)

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