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Spirit Of A Dragon

DreamFaerie posted this thread...
Dec. 2, 2012 at 7:21 pm

The full moon loomed overhead. I stopped my brisk pace to gaze upward. My aching feet resumed their trek. As my knotted, black hair fell across my gentle, delicate, beautiful face. But I knew well that beauty hid a black soul. Without taking another breath I ripped my pointy shoes off my feet. Those shoes indicated that I was, indeed a witch. I was cursed to be a domestic lamia, with the telltale green scales, ridging my spine.
 Glancing back I saw the witch assassin. I must have passed through an enemy witch clan. My breath stopped as I realized who she was. She was the renowned Jesse, the most deadly witch. She had cropped red hair, and cold black eyes. Her face was crisscrossed with scars of old fights. She was covered with sheathes for her various weapons. Her blades glinted cruelly in the stare of the moon.
   She was gaining. Fast. I could have killed her in my feral state….But I was stuck in domestic form. My eyes swept over the perimeter.  Fear broke through my usually unreadable face. No place to take refuge. My choice was broken in two. Flight or fight. Now flight had left, leaving me with fight.
    I may not have my deadly claws, but I had superior strength. My hands twitched in anticipation, as the assassin entered the range, the area where she could throw her knifes with ease. The first knife came, heading toward my heart. I easily blocked, running straight at her.
Suddenly I was on offense. With a bloodcurdling yowl, I leapt, knocking her off her pointy feet.  She replied by slapping me with her gloved hands. With my fingernails, I raked across her face, leaving behind more to-be scars. Though, that gave me little lasting pleasure, for she punched me in my face. Snarling I unsheathed my slender knife, stabbing in her heart. Our struggle stopped, declaring me victorious.
   Pleased with myself I threw her off of me, and stood up. Gently I poked the area around my sore eye. Wincing, I realized my eye would be black and blue. Then I sheathed my knife, searching for any other witches. Happy, I realized that no one was coming.
     I turned back, heading toward my destination. Yes, my quest, kill the Lost Princess: Princess Rhiannon.
Chapter 1, Cabbage
Rhiannon slowly opened her eyes, as she woke to the weak dawn light. Her violet eyes flickered lazily around the small cottage, where she lived in with, her parents. Hesitantly, she tiptoed to the front door. Hoping it would not creak, Rhiannon smoothly opened the door. A gust of morning breeze, left her shivering in the threadbare nightgown that was once Ma’s.
  With a long stride, she quickly walked across the yard. Ma’s back was bent, as she was picking cabbage, from her beloved garden.  As silent as a church mouse, Rhiannon sprang, startling her Ma.
“Rhiannon!” Ma, scolded, as she brushed herself off.
   “You gave me quite a start!” Rhiannon glanced at her feet, trying her best not to laugh. Bending down, she plucked at a cabbage leaf, dislodging a plump green worm.
  “Sorry, Ma,” Rhiannon apologized. As a sheet of, Rhiannon’s silky blonde hair brushed across her merry face.  Instantly, her hand flew up, to swipe the misplaced strands of hair, behind her pink tinged ear. A grin, spread across Rhiannon’s carefree face, as her eyes noticed her Pa, herding the goats back into the main pasture.
   “Pa!” Rhiannon flew at him, knocking the breath out of him .As Pa quickly regained his bearings, he smiled at Rhiannon.
    “You’re home!” Rhiannon was overjoyed. Pa had been at the northern, goat feeding grounds for a week.
    “Hello, poppet.” Pa greeted Rhiannon warmly, enwrapping her with a bear hug.  Rhiannon looked up, happy.
              “I have a gift for you!’’ She giggled as she placed the green cabbage worm on Pa’s forehead. Pa swiped the worm off. Then he started to tickle Rhiannon. She squealed as she tried to shake him off. With a growl, he started to chase Rhiannon around, until she dropped laughing.
    “Then, Pa noticed something strange. Rhiannon’s eyes turned into a glazed white. He heard her chant a few words.
    “Fall, enemy, of thine...”  Rhiannon repeated under her breath, as Pa was blasted, ramming himself against a towering oak. Struggling to stay conscious, he dimly heard Ma screaming for help, as Rhiannon fainted, hitting the ground with a thud. Her eyes regain, their violet hue, with new golden streaks. A mark of Magic, which would stay with her for the rest of her days.
Chapter two, River
 My legs were crying from the pain of walking for two days straight. Quickly I searched for shelter. Luckily there was a river. I plunked myself on the riverbed. Whatever they said about witches and running water, they are wrong; it does not harm me in any way. With a sigh, I unwrapped the heavy socks that protected my feet from the rough terrain.
     My poor feet throbbed as I painfully rewrapped them. My thoughts wandered off as I thought about the job I was instructed to do, it came to me in a dream…..
                   I had found myself surrounded in a thick, unnatural mist. Gazing around I saw that it was endless. Just   a   great   plain   ,   covered in the same drowning, gray fog, almost thick enough to be a wall. Then I heard it. A deep, echoing voice, that sent shivers down my spine, instantly I grabbed my knife.
  “No need for that,” The unnatural voice purred, smoothly
  “Show yourself” I commanded trying to sound brave. A deep chuckle resounded throughout the foggy dreamland. With a start I realized that it was laughing at me! With that my anger burst! With a growl, I warned it.
  “How can you laugh, when I promise you that your death will come from me?” My voice cracked with my rage.
   “No need for that youngling, I just want to ask a favor.” The voice no longer was so light. It was edged with a warning blade. I cooled myself down, but kept my hand on my own blade.
 “What do you seek of me?” I wondered out loud. I was confused, what was wanted of me? Until then I was living peacefully in my cottage that out skirted the village, Hanstripe.
   “I want, no need you to find the lost heir of the Queendom, and kill her.!” By then my mind was muddled. What did she have against the long lost Princess Rhiannon? The royal family never tolerated witch hunting, of which pleased myself and my fellow witches.
  “Why do you want Princess Rhiannon, Long Live the Heir, dead?” I asked the voice.
“Queen Tatiana did me a great wrong. She separated my soul and body, so I could not….” A sudden cutoff left me wondering if I should take on the job. Perhaps the voice deserved what she got. For the royalty did not allow violence in the sweet land of Sweden.
 “Silence, fool!” The voice sliced through my head, as if it could read my thoughts.
  “I will allow you to live if you take on the job!” I believed the Voice’s threat because I could already feel my life force being sucked out.
  “I...I will do it...”I stuttered out, trying, trying so hard to breathe. The grip released me, and I took some sweet breathes of air. With that my eyes muddled, and I woke, to the fresh gurgling of the River.
Chapter 3 Truth
 Rhiannon opened her eyes, painfully. Her head throbbed as she pushed herself up.  Hesitantly, she felt around her head. To her surprise there was a thick bandage covering her aching head.
    “Rhiannon? Are you up?” Ma questioned, worried. Rhiannon’s face was flushed, a sickly red.
 “I’m fine, Ma really.”Rhiannon argued faintly, erupting into a full force coughing frenzy. Ma, quickly got up. She gently damped Rhiannon’s face with a wet, clean rag. Rhiannon lay back onto her hot sheets. She tried to remember what had happened yesterday. All she could remember was getting overexcited, while fooling around with her father.
 “What, what happened?” Rhiannon asked in a hoarse whisper. Ma looked into her eyes, and glanced quickly away. She did not want to fall into the spellbinding eyes of a dragon. Those golden streaks were marks of a magical dragon spirit residing in a body of royalty. Yes Ma had known that her little Rhiannon was The Lost Princess. Known and protected Rhiannon from the Seeker. The Arch Enemy of Royalty. The Seeker had done great things of dark, and black magic.
  Rhiannon had noticed Ma’s glancing away

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A_Fate_Unknown replied...
Dec. 4, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Well I have a few issues, You say the renowned Jesse. Jesse who? surely they must have a last name. I think that your dialogue also seems a little awkward, The way the spirit and Rhiannons killer speak.
Also if she is a princess, why are her parents not royalty? Why is she living in a cottage? surely for a princess she must come from immense wealth and power.
Also I think that there should be more of a personal reason that the mysterious character at the begining is after Rhiannon, the fear of death from the super natural doesn't seem to be that powerful of a motivater, Give her a personal reason for wanting the princess dead. If she is subjugated to the spirits will, have her seek ways to break such subjugation. I like the over al concept of what you were going for, I just think that your characters could have more backstory  and the setting they are in should be described more.

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DreamFaerie replied...
Dec. 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Thanks, You gave me alot of ides. I do need more of a backstory, etc, your reasonings are awesome. Thanks for your review. I have a lot to change on my story!

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