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Wondering if this piece is worth fooling with...

Kailey4 posted this thread...
Nov. 13, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I woud appreciate any feedback on this..it was a dream that I had...pretty interesting...
 
 
I woke to a swirling view of the sky and heavy thuds slamming the inside of my head.  The metallic taste of blood in my mouth alerted me that I was hurt, and I flung myself upward.  I immediately felt a shock of pain shoot through my leg.  My stomach lurched, and I began to cough violently.  Coughs turned into hacks in which blood spewed from my mouth.  My harsh breaths came from panic, which then accelerated from shock.  I was sitting in a pool of blood.
But it wasn’t mine.
My already rapid heart rate sped up, and I realized my worst fears had come true.  His body lay awkwardly against the tree, and up until that point the pounding in my ears blocked out the sound of him.  His chest flews up and sunk down rapidly with each heavy breath.  I could tell he was trying to hold onto consciousness.  My head was pounding, and I could barely see his shirt soaked with crimson; it flooded around him.  His pupils had shrunken and his eyes were glazed over.  I saw his side, and the missing flesh, and my cry echoed through the dark woods we were trapped in. 
He tilted his head towards me, still sucking air, and my arms shook under me as I crawled to him.  His warm, brown eyes were now cold as they pierced mine, and I almost jumped as he leaned towards me.  He held out a poor hand pierced by thorns and covered in dirt and leaves, stuck with his dried blood.  I shook as he closed his calm fingers around my hand.  His rapid breath slowed slightly as he slowly lifted his shirt, and I then got the first real look at his wound.  The deep gash stopped at his ribcage, but the blood refused to slow.  I burst into tears.  This couldn’t be happening.  Maybe, if I got him out fast enough... but the look on his face spoke differently.
He gripped my hand with such force that I couldn’t pull away to wipe my tears.  He pulled me closer with all his strength, and my breaths stuttered.  His thumb wiped my cheekbone, and with his other hand he pulled my palm to his heart.  I felt the stuttered pumps, the wheezing, the lurches of his sad, overwhelmed heart; it beat into my palm.  The warmth of his skin made me sob even harder, because I knew it would only be a matter of time when-
One, two…one, two…one…two…one…

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PeterRowling replied...
Nov. 14, 2012 at 1:25 pm

This is really interesting!  Excellent writing and descriptions!  I would certainly work with it.  Perhaps add on about what happens afterwords, and perhaps a bit before, and it could be longer!  But absolutly work with it!  I had a dream where I was having a brief four minute conversation with a person, and from that I composed four novels out of what he told me.  So definently go with it! :) Good Luck!

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sizzzle replied...
Nov. 15, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I defenitely agree. This piece is really interesting and well written, you could really take it anywhere. I would like to read how they got in the clearing first though. Or maybe you could make it so that they both lost their memories except for echother and go from there.

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