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Short, will return feedback!

Anna141This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Nov. 5, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Hi, I am thinking of submiting this as one part of my applacation for the N.Y.C. Writing program Teen Ink does. First I wanted to know if anyone has been through the program, and thinks this would meet the standered of an applacant for the program? And second, what changes you would make. This is the "final" chapter from Lord of the Flies by William Golding, written in Ralph's point of view:
 
 
Lord of the Flies chapter 13



    Ralph sat solemnly against the wooden bench in a dark cabin below deck of the ship. He slumped against the wall, alone again at last. Dried tears coated his face like chalk. His throat now horse. Seventeen. He thought, seventeen boys had landed on that island; fourteen had survived. Sadly he thought about the three boys missing from the ship. Their bodies trapped on that burnt up ash pile of an island, or adrift somewhere far away at sea. What if someone found Simon, or Piggy, what if they knew they were murdered by children. What if they knew that it had been all just a game that had drifted far, far past its un-set boundaries. They were no longer children, not even the Littluns. Even he himself had stood back and let their young lives be taken, they weren’t children, they were murderers. The kind of murderer you would read about in stories. The kind that wore black-and-white cloths and lived in jail cells.

     Ralph shuttered, would this be him? He, Jack, Samneric, the Littluns? Would they all be tried for murder when they arrived home? All of these thoughts swirled around inside Ralph’s head, until each was a small savage, running ramped through his mind, throwing spears towards his sanity. The little mind-savage’s chants grew louder, into a crescendo inside his head, until he too became savage. He ran up to the deck bursting out of the hatch, wildly making his way over where the boys were all gathered. Leaning over the rail of the ship he saw why the boys had not so much as glanced in his direction upon his noisy arrival. Before him he witnessed the last tree on the island catch fire, incasing the entire island in an inferno. Then out of the corner of his eye he spotted a figure floating in the bleak water. With a closer look it showed to be a boar’s head, stick stuck deep into the base, and a knowing grin slathered across his rotting snout.

 

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Katsa08This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 7, 2012 at 7:42 am

I like your imagery and ideas, but I feel like that you need to have more of a "voice" to your character. It's almost like you're writing what he is SUPPOSED to say, instead of what he feels. This isn't a huge problem, the piece is very well written, but you can make it more realistic by using more unique adjectives and really thinking about what you wnt to accomplish with your piece. For instance, I love your use of "slathered" in the last sentence. It's perfect for the atmosphere, but you can replace a few others with something more distinctive, something that will stand out. 
I think you did a very good job with this, minor criticisms aside. A few tweaks, and I'd say that you should send it in.
Do you think you could read and review my Article: "In Between Spaces - Chapter 1" in the sci-fi/Fantasy section? Thanks!

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jettabugThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm

You have a great way of describing things and occurrences. However, I do agree with Katsa; you should give him more of a voice and no so much of a "robot" voice. Great job!

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jettabugThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm

If you get the chance, would you mind checking out some of my work? Any of it is fine, and thanks in advance. (:

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