Well I'm just looking for some advice on things I can do to improve...I know there are various spelling issues but I'll get to those later.
The Last Isari
I dedicate this to my grandparents For always believing in me.
I dedicate this to my foster brother Shane. The most loyal friend I have ever known.
I dedicate this to Austin and Holly, for being there in dark times.
Lastly I dedicate this to Todd and Leslie for giving me a chance when nobody else would.
You have all made my life worth living.
The Vampires Ring.
Orion ripped his sword out of the corpse of the lifeless soldier before him. It toppled to the ground with a dull thud. Kneeling, he gazed down into the mans unseeing eyes and he wept. The expression on the mans face was one he knew well. Pain and death had plagued his dreams for far too long. It was not supposed to be like this thought Orion. He heard footsteps behind him and at that moment did not care whether it was friend or foe.
“ Commander Orion! ” came a sharp voice from behind. The voice was high and unmistakably a woman's.
Orion did not break eye contact with the fallen soldier but he acknowledged the woman with a grunt.
“ War Marshal Kari needs to speak with you at once. She says it is a matter of utmost importance.” with that the woman hurried off back in the direction she had come from.
Orion stood to his full hight of five foot nine inches and surveyed the area around him. The grime of war had tarnished his handsome face and stained his clothes. The area was covered in a thick fog that obstructed all view of more than ten feet ahead of him. The wide expanse of flat land was riddled with gore and death. The once beautiful lands had been burned and stomped until they resembled nothing more than a vast wasteland.
Sheathing his blade he trudged down the rough path in the direction of their camp. Walking through the fog and mist he passed dozens of fallen soldiers, some their own and some belonging to the Silestan empire. After ten minutes of the somewhat quiet walk he came upon their makeshift camp. A large pavilion stood in the center where Kari awaited him. The pavilion was surrounded by tents and a small group of soldiers Orion suspected to be Kari’s personal guard. Men scurried about the camp and began the process of moving the bodies to the far edges of camp to dispose of. Hundreds were dead and twice as many were mortally wounded.
Orion paused as he bent down to pick up a small white rock from the ground. Upon closer inspection he realized that the rock was no rock at all. But a large tooth. A molar by the look of it. Disgusted Orion dropped the tooth and hurried off toward Kari’s Pavilion. The men he passed gave him spiteful looks. But he paid no mind to them. It was a commonality that many of his order had come to expect from the ordinary man. They did not trust him, or any other magic users.
When he came to the front of the pavilion he was stopped by Kari’s guards who took his weapon from him before allowing him to enter. None were permitted to see the War Marshal armed. A wooden desk made out of mahogany stood at the far side of the pavilion. A large map of Illiania marked with red and blue flags was set upon it. Behind the desk sat the woman Orion had come to loathe, The War Marshal herself.
She was rather beautiful. Bright blonde hair cascaded down past her shoulders. Her deep blue eyes were so focused on the map that she did not even notice Orion. She was thin, but had proven herself to be one of the strongest warriors, capable of taking on any full grown man in armed combat.
She wore an elegant blue and green dress and looked rather out of place in the midst of the two battle hardened guards and the blood covered Orion. It was evident she had changed just before his arrival. On either side of her stood another two guards. Each carried wicked looking Halberds and were armed in a full body suit of steel plated armor.
Orion at last broke the silence with a grunt and as Kari looked up he bowed and politely asked why she had summoned him.
“ Good you are here at last.” she said with her high pitched but strong voice. Continuing she said “ I need you to summon the council of mages from your guild. We have much to discuss.”
“ They are scattered across Illiania dealing with the Silestan threat, Calling them back would be no simple task nor would it be a wise one.” protested Orion
“ As arch mage of the guild you alone have the ability to call them here. They will listen to no one but you. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that the guild has pledged itself to our cause. ” replied Kari.
“ Do not question my loyalty to your cause. I have lost many of my brothers and sisters in your service. Even as we speak my healers are tending to your men. My ability with magic lies in tricking the minds of others. If I could call them back here in a second I would. Magic is much more complex than you realize. I Do not specialize in summoning. However if you would confide in me what it is you would like to discuss I will personally see to it that they will hear about it.”
Orion scratched at his neatly trimmed black beard as he awaited Kari’s response. After a long silence Kari stood and with a sigh she spoke. “ We have won small victories here and there, but our forces are too small to continue like this. We must retreat back to Sanahiem. I am ordering the retreat of my forces from the North.”
“ What does this have to do with the council of mages?” Orion inquired.
“ We have also recovered a unique magical item, much went into keeping this a secret from the emperor. I believe that you are familiar with the legend of the ring of Aegis?”
“ You have discovered the vampires ring? ” Orion exclaimed in disbelief.
“ We have, It is the most dangerous thing we have ever encountered. It literally feeds off the life force and magical ability of all around it and grants it to its bearer. This supplies its wearer with nearly unlimited power. If it were to fall into the wrong hands we would be crushed like insects under the emperors boot.”
“ Can it be controlled? ” Orion asked.
“ Fortunately yes, The rings power will only activate when tapped into, Or so Eomund informs me. We need the council to convene that we may decide which of us will bear the ring and carry it into battle.”
“ You intend to use it as a weapon? This ring is more trouble than it is worth. We cannot destroy magical items, but we can hide them for eternity, which is what i suggest we do with this.” Orion replied.
“ Orion, this may be our one and only shot at victory, The emperor has amassed such great power that the ring may be the only way to stop him. Or have you forgotten the attack on your guild?” Kari said coldly.
Orion’s memory flashed back to when the emperor himself had marched upon his homeland of Kononah with his army. Orion had watched in horror as the Emperor absorbed the powers of his former colleagues. It was as if he had sucked out their souls. Orion had fought back and escaped his dark grasp as he watched his guild hall burn from afar. He could never forget the images that had been burned into his memory.
He shook the thought from his mind and spoke. “ We have built a new guild hall in Sanahiem and have saved much of our libraries sacred scrolls. I don’t know much about the Ring of Aegis, But I know enough to tell you that Arch mage Aegis was crazy and obsessed with power. His ring is a powerful object indeed and if the legends are true
it may help us win this war. However, if it falls into the Emperors grasp then we have no hope of victory.”
“ I know how much we are risking with a gamble such as this, but when has war ever been anything but risky? Talk to the council Orion. Convince them to gather In Sanahiem. The ring is on it’s way there as we speak.”
“ As you wish, my lady” Orion said as he turned to leave. Orion left her pavilion and retrieved his weapon from her guard. Proceeding towards the healers large tent at the rear of the camp he lent his services to the men until his magical reserves were depleted. With what little knowledge of healing magic he possessed, he did his best to alleviate the suffering of a man who suffered from many gruesome wounds. His left arm was broken, as well as a broken ankle on his left leg. His body was covered in many cuts and scrapes. The most horrible wound the man had attained was a downward sword slash that had broken many of his ribs and caused him immense pain.
The bleeding and skin repair was easy enough for Orion to fix, but the bone and muscle was far more complicated than he had expected and he had to wait until Calin, the head of the healers of this division came to fix his bones and muscle. Calin wore elegant white robes lined with golden lace, as all the healers did. Calin was a tall lanky man.
He was young but had much experience with healing magic. He had short clean cut brown hair and small brown eyes. Calin said little during the process and Orion watched as the muscle reattached itself in the proper place and the mans bones realigned themselves into their proper shape. As used to magic as he was, Orion found it an incredibly disturbing sight.
When the work was done, Calin turned around to address Orion. “ Ahh Arch mage, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
“ I am just observing your work and lending a hand where I may. But If I could borrow one of your healers I would be most grateful. There are many men on the field of battle that are in need of immediate attention.” Orion replied politely.
“ But of course Arch Mage.” said Calin as he motioned for one of the white robed men that were busy bustling about the tent to come to him.
A small woman with curly brown hair hustled up to Orion and Calin. She was short and thin. She looked as if she hadn’t eaten a proper meal in weeks. most of her face was kept hidden beneath her white hood and medical mask but Orion could see in her dark brown eyes that she was a capable healer. “ This is Delphina, she is not one of our guild but is aspiring to be. I highly recommend her to master Mortea.” said Calin to Orion.
“ I will take your recommendation to master Mortea as soon as I speak with her again. for now we have more pressing matters.” Orion replied.
“ But of course, Delphina will accompany you and lend her services wherever you see fit.”
Orion nodded and walked out of the tent into the open air with Delphina close behind. They spent the rest of the day healing minor and major injuries of their soldiers until they were both depleted of their magic. Most of the soldiers they healed suffered minor injuries such as broken fingers or fixing broken teeth. One man they healed had taken an arrow to the gut. Another man had a severed arm and was bleeding to death when they found him. They could not save his arm but they stopped the bleeding and cauterized his wound.
Orion had spent his entire time here with Kari’s army trying to win the trust of the men. Such trust may prove vital to his survival in the battles to come. The men did not trust magic. But this was to be expected with a force that they did could not control nor understand. The fact that the emperor was also their enemy and was also a mage only contributed to the biased view of magic that many shared.
Orion was one of the lucky few who had the gift and in his studies he chose to focus upon the art of Illusion. The ability to trick and control other peoples minds. After two decades of strife and struggle he had found himself as a master Illusionist and Arch mage of the guild. When Orion parted ways with Delphina the sun had begun to sink and the weather became cold. Proceeding down to his own makeshift tent Orion passed many small campfires and regretted that he had no one to sit and share stories with. His time in the camp had been a lonely and miserable one. The council was made up of masters of the arcane arts and they held as much influence in the guild as he did himself. They had become his best friends in the last few years as they had all grown up and studied alongside him.
Orion approached his own tent which was no bigger than anyone elses. Kari insisted that because of his position of Arch mage he be given better housing than most of the soldiers and nobles under her charge but he insisted otherwise. Walking into his tent he lit the lantern that hunt down from the top by one of the support beams and walked over to the small end table he kept his things inside. Orion pulled out one handheld mirror and placed it face up on the surface of the end table. Orion muttered an incantation so that none could hear him. The face Rashla of the council of mages Appeared on the mirror.
“ My friend. I have most urgent orders for you and the rest of the council.” Orion said to the mirror.
The face of master Rashla looked at him and then spoke. “ Why have you contacted us in such a manner Arch Mage? this is only supposed to be used for emergencies.” Her dark black hair covered one of her mysterious green eyes but Orion could tell he had interrupted something important. Rashla was the youngest of the council but had saved many of their lives numerous times. She was beautiful but often impatient and short tempered. Her temper had gotten her in trouble with the council many times when she was a child, but she had since learned to control it.
“ I am well aware of this, however I have no other way to contact you in time. War Marshal Kari is ordering the retreat of her soldiers, as such I must order you to return to Sanahiem. I need you to inform the rest of the council to return as well.”
Rashla’s eyes flashed with anger. “ Retreat? we can’t retreat Arch mage! we are starting to gain a foothold here in the West. If we leave now all our struggles here will have been for naught.” Protested Rashla.
“ Rashla, we have discovered a powerful artifact. We need you and the council to convene. We have found the Vampires Ring.”
“ The vampires ring? Are the legends true?” she inquired excitedly.
“So it would seem.” replied Orion. “ Convince the rest of the council to return and meet us in Sanahiem.” Rashla nodded and Orion ended his spell. Rashla’s face vanished from the mirror and Orion walked out of his tent. The air felt cold, but refreshing. In ten days time he would be back in Sanahiem. He would be forced to make a decision that could change the fate of Illiania forever.
I was able to read the first two parts of this and so far it is amazing! Keep up the amazing work ;) You are a very very good writer!!
Thanks :) I know its alot, I just posted the first five pages to see what people think. seems like its hardr to get feedback on these forums than the other one.
What about the rest of the story though?
Yea, it is harder to get feedback on this one..I should know.. I really like the rest of it. You did a great job, to me in my opinion you did.. Is this your first story like this?
haha no way I alot of practice, my first writings were god awful lol. I think i started writing short stories when I was in 5th grade. This is actually loosely based on one of them and is obviously in much greater detail :)
Oh, lol :) Well you did a very good job on it. I like it alot.
Thanks Sunshine <3
Thinking I'll post the final chapter as well. Just as a sneak peak ;)