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ZOMBIES!! What do you think??

siddielee posted this thread...
Jun. 30, 2011 at 12:01 am

I write a lot of zombie books and I've just submited one the other day and i was wondering what ppl will think about my story. So if your interested make sure you keep checking my profile for the my story b/c it hasn't been released yet let me know what you think. and ask me any questions on my book and i will give them to you

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jun. 30, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I don't particularly like zombie fiction, but I guess I'll check out your novel as soon as it's posted.  Maybe you have a new twist on zombies. Do you think that, in return, you could check out my novel, 'Romeo and Juliet--A Parody'?  I would really appreciate it if you read, rated and commented on it.  Of course I'll do the same for you. :)

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 1, 2011 at 9:03 am

I'll definatly check out your novel. Thx for the reply and be on the look out for my novel.

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RockGirl182 replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 12:53 am

I will check your profil :) I actually never read anything about zombies, I've only watched my brother slay them on his gory video games. I started writing a book about these people called Forgotten ( first two chapters are in my work published on TeenInk ), and Forgotten are born from a vampire mother and a zombie father. In my book tough, zombies are vampires who are in a coma state, have lost their soul so to speak. So all this to say that I'll read your book asap ! :)

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Okay I actually have to re-submitt my story but if your that interested I can submitt what I have in the article section.

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Could you put a bit on the forums?  Then if you have any grammar, spelling or style mistakes, they can be caught before you post your novel.

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Chapter 1: The Night Before The Last OutBreak
The loud music blasted in my ears as I entered the crazy loud house party. The lights almost blinded me when I walked through the door. I had a hard time getting by people because is was so crowded. "Hey!" My friend Natalie screamed in my ear. "Hey!" I screamed back to her. "Well it took you long enough!" She exclaimed. "Sorry...So how did you find me so easily?" I asked her trying to be louder than the music. She gave me a goofy smile. "Well your shirt is pretty sparkly.How could I miss you?" She giggled. I looked down at my my sparkly silver shirt and my black skinny jeans and my silver sneakers to top it off. "By the way I like your shirt" She added quickly. "Let's dance she said dragging to the dance floor. I danced for awhile then I noticed a cute guy from school was starring at me. His short brown hair looked black from a distance and his greenish brown eyes made made my heart flutter. I flashed him a cute smile and glanced the other way. When i looked back at him he sm iled and winked. Then suddenly my cellphone vibrated. I took out my phone and saw that was my mom was calling. I walked outside and answered her call. "What Mom?I'm at a party!" I groaned. "It's your father...he's not feeling well.You need to come home." She demanded. "No mom!I'm not coming home!I just got here!" I argued. "Your father is sick and all you can think about is that stupid party!" She yelled. "Just take him to the hospital and I'll be there in an hour!" I yelled back. "No AnaLeigh!You meet us there!Why are you so......."There was a pause. "Hello?Mom?Are you there?"I called calmly. I stared at my phone to see if the call was dropped but the call was still in place. "Analeigh!Dad bit Mom!Come home please!I'm scared." The sound of my sister's voice trembled.

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Ooh, that's a chilling beginning.  I just have a few criticisms:

1.  'Outbreak' is one word; 'break' doesn't have to be capitalized.  As for what the chapter is called, did you mean, "The Last Night Before the Outbreak"?

2.  Watch your spacing.  Make sure there are two spaces between periods. 

3.  You forgot to capitalize 'I' as in "When i looked..."

4.  I know the formatting stinks, but make sure dialogue is on a different line and paragraphs are separated more.

This looks good!  I can't wait until the zombies appear. :)

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I can post my 2nd charpter if u want me to

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:17 pm

opps! I meant The night before the first outbreak

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Okay, that makes sense now! :)  Yeah, can you post your second chapter?  I'm hooked!

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Chapter 2: Afraid
"Okay sweetie.where's Mom?" I asked my sister. "She's....She's" She breathed nervously. "Maddie!Where's Mom?" I asked her. "Daddy ate her..." She said slowly. My heart skipped a beat. "What?...Maddie I'm coming home hide until I get there." My voice cracked. "Okay" She said without arguing. "Are you okay?" Natalie asked me. "I'm fine i just need a ride home." I told her. "I would give you a ride but i cant leave because i'm meeting a hot guy." She said giving me a devilish smile. "It's fine.I'll just walk home." I rolled my eyes. She walked away. I could tell she was drunk because she never meets any hot guys and she always talks nonsense when ever I try to go home from a party. I started to walk home. The dark midnight sky was beutiful, I loved how the clouds disappeared and only the moon is out. Buzz! My phone vibrated in my pocket. "Hello?" I answered. "Hey!&q uot; The voice said. "Carla?Is that you?" I asked. "I knew you remembered me!" She said. "Of course I do your my best friend!" I laughed. "Well i flew down to see you as a suprise and I found your parents dead...but your sister is with me." She said with sadness. The smile wiped off of my face. "What?" I shook my head in disbeleif. "There's been an outbreak in the USA and It turns people into flesh-eating zombies.

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:22 pm

it's not really a chapter but it's a start

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Okay, this is another great start to your novel. 

Make sure you proofread a bit more before you actually submit your novel.  You didn't capitalize 'i' a lot and you spelled beautiful wrong. 

"There's been an outbreak in the USA and it turns people into flesh-eating zombies."  This is kind of redundant.  Almost everyone knows zombies eat flesh.  Your dialogue is a little bit stiff as well.  If you read it aloud, you can see what I mean.  Just ask yourself if people talk like that in informal situations.

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Okay thank you so much for your help I'll re-write my story right away!

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Okay.  I can't wait to read the revised version!

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:34 pm

btw I'm sorry you had to read this

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Why would you be sorry?  I don't mind giving criticism that improves writing.  I love it when people give me constructive criticism that improves my writing.

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siddielee replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:40 pm

well I've read some of your stories and you write like a pro. I just have really great ideas that I want to turn into a book. Then you have the great ideas and the great book.

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 2, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Aw, thanks!  But seriously, all you need is a bit of editing.  Then you'll have the great book to go with your great idea.  You said you read some of my stories.  Do you think you could comment on them as well?  I would really appreciate any criticisms/thoughts you have on my writing.

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