AsIam~ I like Dudely, even though it reminds me of Harry Potter. He does seem very complex, but as you know, I like complex characters. Awh! He cries himself to sleep sometimes! I love he has a 'mask' and everything, but the transformation thing has been done alot. Nevertheless, I appriciate all the thought you put into him because you also gave him friends that balance out his flaws. And also, I'm very interested to read about him with his pals because you said he doesn't get the girl, so it makes me itch to no end on what could possibly happen! lol. Yes, I give Dudley a 9, only because i agree with thepreachyteenager. The group works a little too well together, but I'm sure you can create fascinating friction. Thanks for the feedback.
I give everyone 7 & 8 :)
ok my turn. This is from one of my WWII stories and may sound a bit cliche :/Name: Ralph Edenberg. Aged 15 born May 14, 1927. He is a strong Hitler-Jugden and good student. His father is one of Germany's finest generals. (There was no real General Edenberg by the way. I really hate to be inaccurate though :/) Supports Hitler's cause but is skeptical at times. Physical Apperence: 5'5 slightly muscular darkish blond hair green eyes.
I think Ralph needs more depth, you know? Like describe what his feelings are and how he works. I'd give him an 8 because I know there's more to him.
Thanks for the feedback... it was just a rough ouline of her though
Alright, a lot of people have been calling out these flaws with Dudley and The Group, so I have fixed them up a bit and here it is:
The Harry Potter reference: It does sort of sound like HP, but that's because I wanted the name to give a simple, slightly stupid impression, and being a HP fan, Dudley came to me right away. :P Also, both Dudley's are English, so it's not like it's a name unfitting to the culture....
Fat-Thin: I just included that in my description because everybody was adding physical traits. It is actually a VERY TEENY piece of the story, just one that sets the ball in motion. I need him to be fat when he is younger because a) he is being abused and it would be harder for a skinny kid to stand up to the beatings and stuff, and if he wasn't unpopular he wouldn't meet Bella and there would be no story. However, once he becomes a bodyguard, I couldn't make him be so fat without a medical problem, because of his intense training. So I gave him a medical problem, but then his life was in danger and I had to fix it. :P
The perfect-ness of the group (you guys were right - it needed friction): Ian is a constant joker and never takes anything seriously, getting on the nerves of the others. They try to ditch him several times, but it doesn't work. lol Also, he and Bella have a really bad breakup right before they get kidnapped, so that causes some drama. Dudley is slow to trust and quick to attack, so he is a bit difficult to have around, Bella is self-centered and shallow, making her annoying at times. Oh, and then there's Piper. She's that one friend everybody loves to death but steps on everybody's toes. She is stubborn, opinionated, loud, sarcastic and fiery. She's the one you either hug or slap. lol
Any better? Thanks for all the feedback!
Can I go? Well my character Aletta (means winged) thinks she's the only human left when dinosaurs take over the world. She is very sarcastic, and full of herself. When she meets two other humans one her age and his little sister. At first she doesn't like it because she thinks the little girl, Tessy, will blow their cover and they'll get gobbled up. After realizing that they are now the only family she's got she learns to love them and she sort of adopts Tessy as her own sister.
Banana: This certainly hasn't been done before! Be careful though - your character doesn't sound very layered. Just work on her! :D
AsIAm-Bravo, bravo! I'm going to keep reading the story, I just need to have some time because I've only read the first chapter and it was kind of confusing in Bell'a perspective. lol, i like it though. okay, time for another character of mine!
Winter_baby-okay. Can I hear more please?
Nannabanana22-Oo! she sounds very interesrting. I agree with AsIAm because it's never been done before, vbut she needs some more layer. keep going! :D
Amancio Caleb Stange- Amancio means loving. And for a boy, he is. Although he bears scars from being abused in the past, he has a very charming personality. He knows how to treat people corectly, though he doesn't put much effort into it. It comes naturally to him. Amancio is slow to anger, but when he gets mad, he does alot of things he regrets. His biggest fear is completely losing it. This is most likely the cause of his hesitant behavior to open up in the fear he might get mad. He's the kind of guy who holds grudges; definatly not the forgiving type. When he does forgive you-which is extremely rare-it means he likes a certain quality about you; most likely a quality he's never gotten before. Amancio is up for anything. He doesn't mind change and adapts quickly to his surroundings. When spoked to, Amancio will answer smoothly, no matter what the subject. First impressions have alot of impact on him, but he'd be willing to get to know you. Amancio isn't the most patient and likes doing things fast in a smarter way. Since Amancio is the oldest of seven boys, he knows how to take care of others and is blessed with a loving touch. Amancio takes pride in his work, but is very humble fore his age(18) He can listen without interrupting. Overall, Amancio is a good-natured boy, although when angered he can do unpredictable things. It's hard for him to forgive, but he'll give you a chance. He has charm and is friendly.
Characteristics-loving, charming, friendly, does things he regrets, holds grudes, not the most patient
Phyisical description-Amancio is a well-built 18 year old with deep olive toned skin. He has curls black as misnight. He has ice blue eyes, though on his left eye, he has a scar running through it down to his nose. His vision is unaffected, but he hates it, considering the fact it was given to him buy his own mother. He's 5' 10''.
Fire-due to his anger and tendacy to destroy things
Shapeshifter-due to his ability to adapt quickly to change
Superspeed-due to his ability to his fast and quick nature in getting things done
Hyptnootize-due to his extremley powereful charmConstructive critism welcome! I know it's long, but thanks for reading!
Nacho: Thanks! Also, I forgot to add that even though he doesn't seem to take anything seriously, Ian makes Dudley uncomfortable because he cracks through his mask. And did you read chapter 1 or the prologue? Because the prologue is a bit confusing with the excerpt... But anyway I like to think I get better with the story. :D
And your Amancio sounds awesome - 9.5! He sounds really rare and deep. It's funny - he sounds like he had the same type of background as Dudley but went the opposite direction. We should follow each other's stories - really cool alternate paths. :D
oh! Why, thank you very much AsIAm! Yes, I did read the prolouge, which was a bit confusing, but I liked it all the same. That's really interesting. I've only written one thing about Amancio. Quite honestly, I don't know what to do with him and his other three friends. Hha, thank you for the feedback!
The prologue was sort of what you would see on the back of the book - sorry if it was confusing! I'm trying to improve. :) Did you post the one piece you have written? Because I think it would be really fun to read, seeing as though they are so opposite. They both were abused, but Amancio became loving and Dudley distrustful, Amancio has a major temper and Dudley has self control, Amancio is smooth while Dudley is far from subtle (lol especially with a certain boyfriend of Bella's), Amancio is charming while Dudley is rough, and Amancio holds grudges while Dudley forgives almost anything immediately. I just think that is so cool... lol
wow, you're so right! Well i read the second chapter and I'm sure you are improving(I could tell from the first) Your story line is something I've never heard of before, and I like it. I've only written one thing about Amancio and his pals, called "Standing Up For Conner" It's about how he got his scar and his feelings or whatever. I can't believe they're the total opposites! I mean, what if they met? haha im getting ahead of myself.
Okay, speaking of getting ahead of one's self (I'm just exited with this idea!) what if they DID meet? We could write a short story together where they did, and if it was good post it but mostly do it as a character development exercise. How cool would that be?????
banana: that sounds really cool! ill read it when you post it. i'd say 10 :)
My character Jane is 15 and shes in a sort of military-ish school. most of the people that come out o there become spies, snipers, CIA, etc. anyway her twin brother and four of their friends are sent into the 'real' worldof teen agers that theyve never seen and have to survive/ keep their cover for a month, which they nearly blow. she and her friends can destry secret service men in a second, but they can barely stand a day in a teen's shoes. i didnt like thi idea as much as one f my other ones, but i wanted to see what people think.
Atrissa: Sounds like a cool story! Just don't forget depth ;)
AsIAm-Ohmy goddness that would be AMAZING! I'm just not sure on how we would do it.... Atrissa-I like the plot line. Of coarse depth is always good, but i'm sure you have that. But aanyway, I want to hear more about Jane. Like, what she looks like and characteristics and what not. :)
Are you still on? We can start a thread on "random thoughts and basic chat" and just see what we come up with. :) It would be a fun way to deepen our characters as well. :D
Fun! haha this will be awesome...
Thanks for the feedback! :D
iluvnacho-thanks! Jane is 15 with long brown curls and is kinda like a mix of her two friends, keisha and amy. Keisha's restless, strong and femenist with short blond hair and Amy is calm, peaceful but will attack if she needs to. she has long ginger hair and is 14. a mix between them is sorta the easiest way 2 describe Jane. she has a twin brother named dan and they hate eachother but are close. does that make sense? :) what do you thnk?