Facebook Activity



Teen Ink on Twitter

Home > Forums > Writers' Workshop Forums > Fiction & Short Stories > No Title As of Yet, but Comments and Suggestions Are Greatly Appreciated

Writers' Workshop Forums

Where teen writers share their work
   
Next thread » « Previous thread

No Title As of Yet, but Comments and Suggestions Are Greatly Appreciated

-Kal- posted this thread...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 9:41 am

--From the dark side of the moon,

To the deepest of the gloom,

From the evilest of temptation,

To the point of no salvation,

I walk with no goal,

And I fear no soul.--

Darkness. That’s what you would find if you opened my chest and peered at my heart. Cold, hard, darkness. I am capable of anything, even murder. Perhaps I have already told you too much, but that’s ok because I can find you and kill you without hesitation. You understand me now. Perhaps you even fear me. Excellent.

The first day of spring. What a beautiful cliché. The birds chirp, the sun shines, a gentle wind blows, and the screams of my prey are heard by none. What a perfect day. She thrashes around, trying to escape, but even she must realize that she’s doomed. The shattered bones jutting out of her leg from under the bolder should be evidence of that. I’ve seen people bleed out enough times that I can estimate her remaining time on this miserable planet to be about three minutes.

I taunt her; tease her, by placing my gun to her temple. I do not pull the trigger though because that would be kind and I want her to suffer. I’m sure you’re wondering what she did to me and I’ll tell you: nothing. She just happened to be here, but she’ll never leave, not even in a body bag. Two minutes left and she’s reduced to moaning and crying as she is now too weak to even scream. I can see in her eyes now that she knows she is close to death, and this pleases me. The part that they realize, that part is the best. I smile at her, but it is a smile full of menace and cruelty, nothing more. She seems to have gone into shock, which is not ok with me because that means she does not really know what’s going on anymore. I stomp on her disfigured leg just above the knee, and am rewarded with a flash of agony across her face. Less than a minute remaining, and only now do I wonder about her name. Not that it matters any, but it would be nice to know who to send my condolences to. I reach out and take her purse from around her neck. Searching, I find thirty dollars cash, a picture of a boy, and some spear-mint gum. Three sticks are missing from the pack, and the picture is slightly worn. The back of the picture says, “John Eron, Five years old, December 21, 2009.” I glance up from the picture of my next victim in time to see the woman die, and I smile. A perfect day indeed.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
-Kal- replied...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 9:42 am

This is a little different from anything that I usually write, so it may not be all the great. In any case, comments and suggestions would be great. Thanks!!!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Laughternchoclate replied...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 9:54 am

...

uhhum....

Maybe, to be like seriously sinister, call it the first day of spring.

This is a lil dark, tho..., to much 4 me

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
-Kal- replied...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 10:01 am

Thanks for reading, and yeah, it is dark.... Lol

I promise I'm not like this though :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Cathi replied...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 10:05 am

Just telling you, I'll rather say it here than on the actual randomness forums, gimme a minute, I'm going to pull up of my threads here.



And the story was pretty good, Kal. Not like you, but I can hear the authority in your words, kinda reminds me of Jack's writing (that's a good thing).

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
-Kal- replied...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 10:08 am

Alrighty.

And thanks :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Fredwardness replied...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 10:23 am

I really liked the poem thing you started it with...but after that I think might need a little work to seem more...real...but, this is really good, Kal, I like this a lot better than some of your other things...=)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Laughternchoclate replied...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 12:09 pm

ahha Ik ur not like this, i did think it was good. Being the fanatic I am, I have to ask... is he a vampire, or just a murder?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
-Kal- replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Thanks Freddi :)

And laughter, he's just a murderer.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
A_Dreamer replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 2:09 pm

I think it was written well, but it was way too dark for my taste.

If you add more, maybe make it so he changes in the end . . . ?

But that kind of writing is great, keep it up. :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
-Kal- replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Haha, I find it funny that people say this is too dark for their tastes. I get why you guys are saying it, but it's still funny.

Thanks for reading/commenting Dreamer!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Pensive?Gurl replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 3:11 pm

how does the rest of the story go???

>.<

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
purpleSmoke replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 3:11 pm

lol this was...amazing!!! i cannot wait to read more!! write fast little kal =D

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
-Kal- replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 3:12 pm

You'll have to wait and find out Pensive.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
purpleSmoke replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 3:14 pm

haha you cant ignore me :P your on the friggin phone with me.....

fine i take it back =D your not little.......even tho i am older than you :P

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Pensive?Gurl replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 3:14 pm

alrighty then!

but honestly, i'm with purplesmoke, it was super awesomness!!!

O.O

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
-Kal- replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Yes... Yes I can hannah...

And yepp!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
-Kal- replied...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 7:47 pm

Thanks Venus! :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Laughternchoclate replied...
Apr. 2, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Dang... but still, very dark and really good. What you end up naming it?  

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
amaranth178 replied...
Apr. 2, 2010 at 3:59 pm

Kal, you are ultimately the one who can determine a suitable title because you know every detail about your story--I suggest picking some small detail that is present throughout the narrative/article and presenting that singular idea in a unique way (personal title-making formula). But if you haven't come up with anything yet, how about....something with 'dark heart'?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread

Launch Teen Ink Chat
Site Feedback