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Shut it off (conversations with myself)

Misfit7 posted this thread...
Oct. 16, 2013 at 3:42 pm

Hey, I'm new to this sight (and also kind off new to sharing my work,,) Any thoughts or advise welcome :) Tx   
Dark                                                             Cold                                                             Lonely                                                           A black hole now stands where my heart once did.  
 
Tears burning behind closed windows                            But they still remain well hid  
 
Just shut it off                                                         shut it off                                                       shut it off  
 
Bitter                                                         Brutal                                                         Heavy                                                           Is the weight of life that drags you down             
 
Happiness comes and goes like mist                                 It will disappear again soon leaving you hunched on the ground.  
 
So shut it off                                                 Shut it off                                                   Shut it off  
 
I'm caught up in the storm with no way to escape. 
Don't know if I'll survive..  
 
So shut it off                                                 Shut it off                                                   Shut it off now you silly child!  
 
Living here out in the open,                                   Your bound to just get hurt.                                   And afterward you'll be picking up 
the broken pieces in the dirt.  
 
Best to keep safe.                                                 Shut out the pain.                                             Rebuild the broken walls                                        To shield you from the rain.   
 
It might still be lonely,                                      But at least it is dry.                                        Cut off the stone cold world outside,                            Stay hidden where they can't see you cry  
 
Please, for your own sake!  
 
Just shut it off                                               Shut it off                                                   Shut it off...  

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graywolf replied...
Oct. 16, 2013 at 10:23 pm

Nice poem, only advise is to use commas or three periods instead of putting a lot space between phrases you want to seperate.

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LaChouette replied...
Oct. 17, 2013 at 8:19 pm

I like this. It's pretty cool. I like your rhyme scheme; it flows pretty well. I also agree with graywolf in using more commas and periods and less spaces. Overall, nice job!

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