Facebook Activity



Teen Ink on Twitter

Home > Forums > Writers' Workshop Forums > Poetry & Lyrics > Would anybody be so kind as to take a look at this?

Writers' Workshop Forums

Where teen writers share their work
   
Next thread » « Previous thread

Would anybody be so kind as to take a look at this?

graywolf posted this thread...
Oct. 2, 2013 at 8:01 pm

Hi, I'm just looking for some feedback:) I have some published poems, some I'm waiting on, but I'm not really getting any comments, so I thought I'd check out the forums. Here it is:

one little sheep led astray,
with a few as well,
but all are wolves in wool.
 
now this sheep
stands in a beautiful flock,
but still all alone.
 
but, why not?
you could say mangled,
you could say ravaged.
 
but it's always been that way,
so you could say stuffed,
but engorged is better.
 
this little sheep has its own hidden beauty,
but takes the knives and daggers
to look at the stars.

Looking for a title especially, but also anything to help me write better, thanks:)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
ElsaM replied...
Oct. 7, 2013 at 11:40 pm

Wonderful. Has a slightly sad aura to it, and I don't usually like sad poems, but yours was beautiful. I appreciate how the poem has so much symbolism.
 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
graywolf replied...
Oct. 8, 2013 at 10:29 pm

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it:)
 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
justyourginger replied...
Oct. 11, 2013 at 12:30 am

Beautiful, and I tend to lean towards metaphorical titles a lot but mabe something about how the sheep goes through danger to see the beauty in the world or how often people ignore the beauty because it's hard to get there. Journey to the stars or something. Hope this helps!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
graywolf replied...
Oct. 11, 2013 at 6:54 pm

thanks, appreciate it:)
 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
faithfranklinThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Oct. 14, 2013 at 2:21 pm

this poem is great........i loved it

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
lexi721 replied...
Oct. 15, 2013 at 6:54 pm

I would call it- The Price of Stars, due to the pain the sheep had to endure to see such a beauty. Definitely an original thought that was very creative! I think it is well written, but a little tweek you could do is find various ways to express the sheep as more than just "Sheep", possibly just scratch the surface a little more about what the sheep is like. (or physical appearance/personality). Otherwise, a very good poem! Keep it up :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread

Launch Teen Ink Chat
Site Feedback