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This Puddle-Feedback for Feedback

KrasotaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Jun. 13, 2013 at 6:12 pm

Me again! :D I'll read/rate/comment on any two of your pieces if you have any critiques for this one! Thanks and have a great day!
This Puddle
 


Ikhras, I tell you-shut up.


But that doesn’t stop the flow of hate


From dribbling down the corners of your mouth.


Your angry words are left in a puddle at my feet,


Waiting to make me slip.


Waiting for me to fall.


Ya habibi, my darling, you should know better:


I’m stronger than that.


Even through my tears,


I will leap over this puddle of abhorrence.


I will clamp a hand over your fuming mouth,


Stemming the steady drip-drop of those piercing sentences,


Impeding your fountain of rants from gushing any longer.


And I will mop up that puddle


With hob.


With love.

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uhmjanis replied...
Jun. 13, 2013 at 7:38 pm

Hi! The last half of your peom ended very strongly... I especially liked the sentence "I will leap over this puddle of abhorrence." Overall the poem conveys emotion well but a little background to what exactly is happening might be nice... The flow is a little bit rocky in the beginning but it definitely gets better.

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Laugh-it-OutThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 15, 2013 at 9:39 am

Great Poem! I think you should post this it is very good. So, if you haven't already could you take a look at my poem "As The orld Goes On" please. Thanks, and keep rockin

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BlackbeltJamesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:54 pm

The language you used worked quite well, it gave the anger a sense of intelligence which meant it had a bit more depth; that itself I quite liked. You showed the emotion quite well, but that is all that is shown, there is nothing else to it, no background story or reason for the upset. However, this means that it can be applied to many different scenarios and it can become personal to the reader.

Good Job :)



by the way, when you get around to critiquing, I'd appreciate more feedback on any of my stories, but I do not mind, I'm not fussy :)

 

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samiasaskia24 replied...
Jun. 15, 2013 at 4:28 pm

Wow. This is densly packed with emotions. Great word choice too. What could help to make it perfect, is maybe a little introduction in the beginning to what is happening in this situation!
Feel free to pick any of my writing to read. :) Good job!

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KrasotaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 15, 2013 at 8:23 pm

Haha, thanks! I tried to include some Arabic in there (without using the actual Arabic alphabet, otherwise Teen Ink would reduce it to question marks). Are there any particular pieces that you want me to rate/comment on?

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KrasotaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 15, 2013 at 8:23 pm

All righty! Thank you :D

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KrasotaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 15, 2013 at 8:26 pm

Thanks! I think I'll add some background in the author's comment section, I don't think I could add it into the poem without disrupting it in some way. I went ahead and provided feedback to two of your poems, but I don't think I provided good, hard feedback on one of them like I should've. Ah well :D I'll get around to critiquing more of your work then. Have a nice day!

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