From the warped and barren soil
you bring forth a gentle blosom
getting warmth from intamicy,
sustanacne from laughter,
strenght from faith.
Prying, coaxing, calling,
you summon the blossom to leave its encasement,
calling out, persuading it,
come to me,
come with me,
Singing softly, sweetly with warmth
tiny buddings sprout forth,
but you are standing,
leaning over the blossom
with ravenous anger burning in your heart
and curious doubt building behind your eyes.
You're stooped over waiting,
watching for the blossoms
revelation of the heart
upon reaching the world.
Inside you build a lonely world
as unease bubbles beneath your foundation,
unoticed by happy,
remains your sacrafical difference.
So continuously you wait,
resisting as gentle fingers
begin to caress soft petals,
an elusive sent begins mingling in the wind.
You feel your mounting anger,
creeping into you,
gaining the knowledge
but lacking the desire
to crush a glowing blossom.
So you keep waiting,
listening to the soft russle of leaves
brushing against each other
basking in the sunlight.
Your confusion begining,
your hands restless,
sweat beading on you.
The waiting is agitating,
a drifting fragrance
growing sweeter in aquatance,
ebbing and flowing with the wind,
surrounding you with opressive unfamilarlarity.
slowly sainity fades,
your mind rationalizing sorrow
as your heart withdraws
from the unspoken thought
of watching your blossom wither.
So you sit waiting,
watching the sun cast its setting colors,
listening to the suffocating silence
as your surrounding begin fading with the light.
You can feel your blossom growing inside you,
its roots reaching,
burying themselves into your heart,
pushing past your misguided inferno,
Unsure you remain waiting,
crushing yourself under your doubt,
of opening yourself to love.
Your eyes are blurring,
wettness trickling down,
falling with your defencive walls,
sinking below sight.
OH MY GOODNESS! First of all, I love the idea of this. I love how you turn this into an internal change within the mystery person waiting to crush the blossom. Secondly, I love your word usage (there are some spelling errors, but they're not too major that it detracts from the essence of the poem). Lastly, I admire how you make me go back and reread the poem to savor each line and learn the meaning. So powerful. Keep on writing! :D
Haha you make me blush :P im glad that you enjoyed it so much this poem has been a pain in my hiney for years and im finally finished with it. can you point out my errors please i may be good with word choice but grahmar is not my strongest point.
There are some spelling errors: intimacy, sustenance, strength, waiting (fourth stanza), unnoticed, sacrificial, scent, acquaintance, unfamiliarity, sanity, surroundings, wetness, defensive. Grammatical errors: blossom's revelation, remaining instead of remains, period after petals before an (capitalize An) or say "while an elusive scent begins to mingle", comma after "other", and no comma after "your fear."
Just please keep in mind that you do not have to take any/all of my suggestions as this is your piece. :D Anyways, have a great day!
Thank you verry much :) i will definatly fix the spelling and thanks for pointing them out for me
No problem, anytime! :D
Any other suggestions? A way that you think i could improve this peice? i want to make sure that it is amazing before i send it to the editors
This comment is long overdue, but....
I have no critiques on content, it was about as flawless as it gets. I love the concept. This was very deep, very thoughtful, it flowed well and it was captivating. Well done. Give this a spell-check and publish this sucker!
Haha sorry, I didn't really check up on teenink until now, but I agree with candlelightwriter :D
Thank you for the praise its verry flattering :) i will be sure to send it in thanks