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DJ_FoxThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 10:34 pm

I would really like some feedback on this before I post it. Thanks in advance.

I'll Bet She's Beautiful
There was a girl, way back when. She was my friend. Until when, we lost touch, fell out, never saw each other again. I still remember her, but would she remember me?

I wonder where she is now. I wonder if she'll remember me. I just know, that from the way she looked that day.

I'll bet she's beautiful. The way she looked that day was so sorrowful, that I had lost my way. I never forgot that face, and the name shared the fate. From the way she looked that day, I'll bet she's beautiful.

I couldn't believe it when I heard the news. I looked at her, she was staring at the floor. I saw a tear or two drip off her nose onto the desk. I reached over, but she just pushed me away.

I wonder where she is now. I wonder if she'll remember me. I just know, that from the way she looked that day.

I'll bet she's beautiful. The way she looked that day was so sorrowful, that I had lost my way. I never forgot that face, and the name shared the fate. From the way she looked that day, I'll bet she's beautiful.

That one day, she went away, we were playing near the water. She saw her mom, saw the car, and told me that she had to go. She had time to give me a hug and goodbye, but to me, that was all the time in the world.

I wonder where she is now. I wonder if she'll remember me. I just know, that from the way she looked that day, I'll bet she's beautiful.

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LexusMarie replied...
Apr. 30, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Hey there! You used one of them! Yay! I like this! It is very sweet. I like how this tells a story within a story. It's really good. Your repetition is used evenly which most people don't do. I have a suggestion about the ending. Instead of putting 'I just know, that from the way she looked that day, I'll bet she's beautiful.' It would be better to put 'she's beautiful' instead of 'I'll bet ...' but that is just a minor suggestion, so change if if you'd like to. It'd spice that line up a bit, instead of you 'betting she's beautiful' you'd KNOW she was beautiful and I think that'd be a great ending. Good job!

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