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feedback for feedback! (having some trouble with this poem)

wordnerd54 posted this thread...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:14 pm

Hi guys!
If anyone wouldn't mind critiquing (spelling?) this poem for me, and any of my other ones I've submitted, it'd be greatly appreciated.  And I'd be more than happy to comment on any of yours. :)
Thanks so much in advance, and please be honest; I can take it!
Happy New Year
 
10:34
Walk in, alone
It’s different now
Without you here
 
10:47
Sparkly hat on my head
Celebrating
What is sure to come
 
11:02
I see you
Your eyes speak
“What are we doing here?”
 
11:11
Make a wish
But you’re over there
And I’m over here
 
11:26
We always kissed
But now I can only hope
Now I can only pretend
 
11:49
The countdown begins
I’m here, you’re there
I catch your eye
 
11:52
I shouldn’t do it
But gravity pulls
My heart to yours
 
11:54
Heart pounding
I don’t move
And neither do you
 
11:56
Four minutes
And my life will change
Forever
 
11:58
I never thought
I wouldn’t be able
To hold your face
 
11:59
I take one step towards you
Hold my breath
And you look down
 
12:00
Alone in a sea
Of colored confetti
Happy New Year.

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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:37 pm

Hey there! I don't see any spelling mistakes! I enjoyed this, it was different, I liked it. I like how you start each line with a time. I am not a big fan of how you capitalize each line, but that's just me being picky. And that's just my opinion so take it lightly. It's your poem, so if you like it, leave it. But, it's all personal preference and that's the beauty of poetry! The only other thing is I don't like the line 'I wouldn't be able To hold your face' I would change it to something like 'I wouldn't be able To caress your face' or something instead of hold, that seems more sincere to me. You know, to treat with tokens of fondness. Haha. But, this is overall a great poem. I think it's unique and I have never read a poem about the new year! I love the title and the ending. All your small details are great. Good job!

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wordnerd54 replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:52 pm

Thanks so much!! Haha when I wrote the line "hold your face" I sat there for a second and decided I didn't like it, but I couldn't think of anything else so I left it.  Thanks for your help, and I'll give you feedback on some of your work!

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JustAnotherOwl replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 5:01 pm

I really really like this! I think the idea of starting with a time at the beginning of each stanza is really interesting and fits in perfectly with the idea of the poem, as if I can hear the personal thoughts as they go through the persons head. I particulary love the last stanza. Something about a sea of colored confetti is really interesting. Anyway, I really like this!

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JustAnotherOwl replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 5:02 pm

Could you possibly comment on my poem "Doll House"? It would be greatly appreciated!

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 9:40 pm

This is pretty good. I dissagree with marie, though, about capping the lines. It actually bugs me (for most, not all) when people *dont*, so its personal preferance, really. I could feel your speaker's dissapointment. You really drew me in. What are you having trouble with, exaclty?

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wordnerd54 replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 10:22 pm

Thank you! I agree that's definitely a matter of preference (as far as capitalization goes) - it bugs me if lines aren't capitalized as well.
Actually, I wasn't sure whether or not this poem effectively draws in the reader... Which it seems like it is.  I also am still not sure if I really painted the scene well enough.  I'm thinking about adding more details about what the boy looks like, maybe. I'm going to mess around with a few stanzas, I think.
Thanks again.

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wordnerd54 replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 10:24 pm

Thanks! I'm going to continue to mess around with the words a little to further "paint the picture" of the scene, if you will, but I'm glad I got the general point across.
And of course, I'd be happy to comment on your poem!

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Laugh-it-OutThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 10:28 pm

Really great, love the times and love all the descriptions. Great job. you should post this. Could you take a look at my work too please??

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wordnerd54 replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 10:43 pm

Laugh-it-Out- Thanks, I'm planning on posting this after I edit it a little bit!... and yup I will check out some of your work.

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lily_sings replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:23 am

This poem is refreshingly unique. Don't worry about the audience being drawn in, I felt the rush of anticipation, so I think you got your message across :) Please read my poem Light in the Dark of the Night (I'm desperate for some feedback haha)

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wordnerd54 replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 11:51 am

lily_sings- thanks! I commented on both of your poems.
 
By the way, all of you have really great work; I was impressed!

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wordnerd54 replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 4:50 pm

I edited it a little now... If you guys have time to read it and comment, that would be awesome :)
 
Happy New Year
 
10:34
Walk in, alone
It’s different now
Without you here
 
10:47
Sparkly hat on my head
Streamers blind my eyes, celebrating
What is sure to come
 
11:02
I see you
Your now cool eyes speak
“What are we doing here?”
 
11:11
Make a wish
But you’re over there
And I’m over here
 
11:26
Was it just last year
That you promised
You would never leave?
 
11:49
The countdown begins
I’m here, you’re there
I catch your eye
 
11:52
I shouldn’t do it
But gravity pulls
My heart to yours
 
11:54
Heart pounding
I don’t move
And neither do you
 
11:56
Four minutes
And my life will change
Forever
 
11:57
My mind flips- the page of a book
I can still your palm, safely on my back
And now nothing.
 
11:58
I never thought
I wouldn’t be able
To trace the lines on your hands
 
11:59
I take one step towards you
Hold my breath
And you look down
 
12:00
Alone in a sea
Of colored confetti
Happy New Year.

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NewYorkLove replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 7:43 pm

This is a really unique way to write a poem and it stands out because of it :) I loved how you used the timeline!! I would change the word sparkly to sparkling it just sounds more mature lol. I love the ending---it's perfect. 

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Jessie M. replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 9:07 pm

loved the way you used time to start each stanza! Just out of curioisty, at 11:56, why will their life change forever?

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wordnerd54 replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 9:15 pm

Thank you both! And Jessie M. her life is changing at 11:56 because in four minutes she'll start off the new year without him. So, that year is going to be different.  I guess it's a little melodramatic now that I think about it, but hey poems have to have a little drama, haha!

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dragonsandthree replied...
Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:48 am

Thisis really great! An extremely interesting poem. I think that this is one of the best poems I have ever read. Keep writing! And, can you also read It's Just A Dream?

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:36 am

11:26 was the only chnage I liked, i prefered the simpler version.

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wordnerd54 replied...
May 4, 2013 at 12:21 am

Thanks dragonsandthree! I just commented on your poem - sorry it took so long.
 
And TheEpic, I ended up submitting the newer version, but I see why you like the other one better. Personal preference, I guess.  Thanks for re-reading it!

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May 4, 2013 at 12:01 pm

Interesting poem. I love the idea of starting each stanza with a time- very creative. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this poem. I like the touch of drama you incorporated in this piece. I also don't see any spelling or punctuation mistakes. At first I was confused, but you artfully pulled together the story line in the end. Nice job. :) Could you review my poem "I Could Be Gone..."

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