Facebook Activity



Teen Ink on Twitter

Home > Forums > Writers' Workshop Forums > Poetry & Lyrics > Haiku... Feedback appreciated.

Writers' Workshop Forums

Where teen writers share their work
   
Next thread » « Previous thread

Haiku... Feedback appreciated.

SaphiraBrightscalesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Apr. 27, 2013 at 3:10 pm

Hey here's a Haiku I wrote today...don't know how others may interpret it.. Pleeeaaaseee adorn this with some feedback.. I'd be honoured. I hope this comes out in the right format :))))
 
 


"The Four-Letter Word"
 
Inappropriate:
Pathetic, appropriate:
Most beautiful sight...
 
Inappropriate:
Brittle, but appropriate:
Elastic. Ductile.
 
Inappropriate:
Fades, but when appropriate:
By God's blessing grows.
 
Yes appropriate,
May often break away but
Maybe never was.
 
When appropriate,
You make your way without fear
Of falling apart.
 
And fearfulness of
Fear chills me to the veins,
Don't wanna be scared.
 
You softly asked my
Demented thoughts and I have
Put them before thee.
 
But then I never
Actually believed in
It to begin with.
 
 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:38 pm

This is hauntingly beautiful, I read it twice. :D I'm curious as to what the "four letter word" is, though. I feel like that would help me understand the poem more (don't change it a bit, though! It's amazing!). I'm curious as to how you would explain it.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:45 pm

This ones pretty good. Hmmm... i dont know about you, but the only four letter word I thought of was Love. Did you have anything particular you were wanting to tweak?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
DJ_Fox replied...
Apr. 27, 2013 at 10:18 pm

Cool. I liked it a lot. Very hauntingly beautiful.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:14 am

EPluribusUnum:
Thank You so much Em! I didn't know how this was...now that you like it I'll post it for sure...Oh and The for letter word is "Love".... Can you think of some other title for this? I'm not too happy with this one...
The Epic95:
 Yes, well at first I was like Hmm...what should I name it...I could've just gone and named it Love but I wanted to add some mystique to the title...Still I'm not too happy with "The Four-Letter Word"  Could ya help me out? Any ideas??
 
DJ_Fox: 
 
Wow...Thanks! It means a lot that you read this, and I sure am overjoyed that you like it :D

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 9:41 am

I didnt really like "ductile", it didnt seem to fit as well as the other words, something about the rough and brute sound of it...i think i understand how you wamted to contrast it with brittle, though. Actually... i dont know. Im cauht up in how the word sounds to ME. I mean, basically it meams something strong hard to shatter... ect. To me, it implied not strength, but a *useful pliableness* in a material... I internally rebel at the thought of love being spoken of in terms of *use*.... but perhaps i am the only one who thinks in that way when it comes to that word. I actually love this haiku. I just.... yeah. Ductile kills me.


HEY! Dose anyone else get that sense...?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Apr. 28, 2013 at 10:26 am

It wasn't in terms of "use" actually.... just meant like how we can you know bend our desires, compromise,  capable of being changed, and influenced...that sort of stuff..... you think "Pliable" might be a good replacement? 
 
Oh and you didn't give me any ideas for the title?? Doesn't this one sound cliche?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 12:59 pm

No, the title is cool.ut i dont think pliable is aby better... if you like ductile, then that's fine. I have weird meanings I attach to certain words.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:10 pm

My my... have I missed something, or that green VIP badge new?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Apr. 29, 2013 at 5:28 am

Hmmm...Guess I'll just go post it now... What your badge or mine??  

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:50 am

Your badge. I think im just thickheaded, but I dont recall you having one a week ago... or maybe youve had t, and im just really dense, not paying attention. Oh, welll. NO. Dont post it yet. I like it ,bbut ive learned that one should always take time with their work. Wait two days, then look hard at it again. Then post it. Givess you time to decide it it really sounds like you want it to. I think its great! But still, waiting is good. I wish id done that a few more times!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:51 pm

I think it's been there since we met,...haha well I'm like that too mostly....I don't notice stuff THAT much..my friends are all like so noticing I mean they'd know what a person wore on a certain day...sheesh not me.....Yeah right you are. Thank You so much for all this wonderful advice. Love you. :))))

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 30, 2013 at 3:28 pm

I never knew we met....... HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING ME....??????
Jk. Lov ya, too, Dua

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
May 1, 2013 at 5:10 am

Hahhahaa...well you know what I meant.  And well I don't to be spooky else I would've said stuff like "yea,  you have no idea the stuff I learned through this stalking " ....LOL....ingenious how we say talk when we're not really talking and say met when we never really have.... :)

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread

Launch Teen Ink Chat
Site Feedback