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Home > Forums > Writers' Workshop Forums > Poetry & Lyrics > Help me out, will ya? this isnt done...(hopefully, it is formated.)

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Help me out, will ya? this isnt done...(hopefully, it is formated.)

TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Apr. 24, 2013 at 12:58 pm

The silver rain, soft pattering,
And lunar glow through midnight shower,
The glassy stars-- winking out,
Shy, from 'hind the clouds this hour
Seem to harmonize so sweetly:
"For Him dance we 'neath the moon!"
Crisp winds whistle through the trees,
Piping low their solemn tune
And stirring the world all 'round to sigh

Slow and gravely, but with air
Of dancing trees and bowing skies,
Of wide-eyed stars that twinkle fair.


Rushing, rushing, is it breeze?
No, the rushing of my soul Joining-in with graceful trees
And bowing with that lovely Whole.
Something of Entirety,
Of Nature waltzing, grace'd and fine,
Seems to lead Celestially,
Towards the Heartbeat keeping time.
Lovely time from (Out of/outside) Time
That stirs with every Pulsing Surge;
Something sweet and so sublime
Is whispered in It's hidden words.


"See the Rhythm of My Worlds?

See, the dance that swings the stars?
Do you hear My Precious Heart

Keeping Order where you are?"
Every whisp and curl in mist:

"I AM veiled, but ever by..."
Taste of sunlight on my lips:

"Darling Apple of My eye..."
Roaring rivers, rushed and clean:

"Love you! Love you! Never fear!"

What dose nighttime silence mean?

"With you... by you... ever near...


I will hold you as you dream.
Hold you, love you; always here."

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 24, 2013 at 1:00 pm

Meh, at least it isnt a block.

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MckayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 24, 2013 at 2:21 pm

AWWWWWWW. It's so romantic; and not in a silly mushy-gushy-honey-bunney-pumpkin-wunkin-way. You enchat me everytime I read your poetry. You're such a classic and traditionalist which a lot of poets these day stray away from. I love some "old-school" poetry every so often. Seriously, post this soon. 

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 24, 2013 at 6:14 pm

I would love to say more, and i had a question, but i thibk the spazzing sreen might give me a sezure.Well, i think you hit the nail on the head. (Forgive me if i misspell something or another, i cant see the text box. Every carachter i type sendes the screen darting up and down.) It is meant to be romantic, in both sences. It is romanic in the clasical sense, it has a focus on nature and heavily is influenced by traditional stlye, and Romantic in the sence that it is a divine romance, a christian dwelling on the order of the world and seein gthe hand of God, always present, like the reasurring hand of a lover.

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 24, 2013 at 6:15 pm

Wow. (Screen spazzing again) i have no idea how the end of my comment appeared at the beginning... oh well.

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MckayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 25, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Absolutely. It's divine. 

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 27, 2013 at 12:30 pm

Maybe, but im really struggling with lines 6-8, there is something off about em, especially 6. "For him dance we neath the moon"? I think it sounds really forced, and although i like reverse syntax, it dosent sound riht. Any thoughts?

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Apr. 27, 2013 at 3:41 pm

I really thought it didn't seem that forced...and well "out of" sounds better.... On the whole This poem is surely so beautiful it's going in my favourites when you post it...The most beautiful thing is how you relate both kinds of romantic...as you yourself explained..though ofcourse I myself am a fan of the divine one... I really think nothing much needs to be change....only a few tweaks here and there...some rearrangement that's all..... 

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 27, 2013 at 5:43 pm

Well, thanks, dua, but I am still not pleased with that part. I mean, i like the concept of those lines, but not how it sounds. As for the phrase "out of", yes, i liked it, but i was afraid it sounded like time had run out as opposed to being *beyond* time... i might even just use the word beyond.. i dont know...so whatthinks did you think needed to be re-aranged? Or was that just a general feeling?

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Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:08 am

No...just a general feeling......And well I feel no one else can truly know how a poem is supposed to be except for it's poet so only you can see how it can be changed :D

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 10:01 am

Ah... perhaps! But until now, i thought I would end up adding astanza or two. But now i realize that unless i very severely modified the *feel* of the beginning, non of my modifications to the end would work, the beginning, to me, sounds dreamlike, my modification sounded like cold and idle wondering. I dont want that feel. So yeah, sometimes it takes even the poet a while ;) Sometimes other people CAN help. You helped just by standing there and letting me bounce things off of you, you and mckay forced me to vocalize my thoughts. Mckay especially, helped me get in tune with its feel and air. Thanks! Im gonna tweak it, but leave it substantially the same.

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MckayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Awww. I'm glad I helped you out with this poem. It's really good. And deserves to be on the site and receive high recognition for its exceptional quality. 

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 2, 2013 at 10:24 am

Ugh. I finnished..! But I have no name, now...

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