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Free Feedback for RHYMING poems

TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 8:43 am

Hey, all. I want something to read, sooooo..... if you have a RHYMING poem on TI that has NO COMMENTS.... I will try and check it out. Just post the name of ONE poem in this thread, I'll click on your usuername and check it out asap. Or, if you want some advice befor eputting it up on TI, just post the poem itself in this thread.

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Labradorian replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 9:37 am

 
So, I have a couple rhyming poems on here, but I wrote this one rhyming poem a while ago, which I had high hopes for when I started writing, and by the time I finished it had collapsed upon itself and now I hate it. Considering how good you are at rhyming poetry, I was wondering whether you could help me rehabilitate it. 
Behind the Mirror
 
In a dusky corner of the mind
In mirror and maze and twisted time
Their lies a truth,
 A hidden beat
A rhythm, song, a melody.
So quiet does this sound echo
Even whispers will overthrow
What’s known but shadowed by a mirror
That reflects both sight and what you hear.
(This is where I was interrupted while writing, and other than a couple lines, from here on I don’t like it.)
To search for truth, what it reveals,
Tiptoe, quiet, through minds fields.
Close your eyes and use your hands
To feel out and understand.
It will be dark, dreary and dim
But tripping up is not a sin
And as you wind and wish and wander
Listen for a distant thunder
So that one day you’ll muddle past
The mirror and onto truth at last.
 

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:24 am

Ok.. lets think a bit about the firt half. S this i sa good poem as is, but If you want some advice still Id advise you to start by saying the wor "echo", now say the word "overthrow".... hear the differance? They have the same sound at the ned, but overthrow is said OVerTHROW(so you end that line strongly, but echo is said ECHo, so... they dont flow right. You had some awesome slant rhymes in there, mind/time, beat/melodY. They are awesome because the have the same, strong emphasis in both words, they are beats. But ECH is the beat in one, and THROW the beat in the other. I think the following lines are a bit odd... how about "[Reflecting] sight and what you hear"?

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:31 am

What if you make "echo" then noun and "sound" the verb? "So quietly dose this echo sound".... Maybe "Even whispers tear it down" or "Even whispers make it drown." What would fit best with th enature of this poem, do you think?

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 5:28 pm

I wanted to wait till I heard what you had to say about my thouht on the first half before moving on, but i have some time right now. What if you ditched the word 'quiet' and placed that line one spot up so that it said "Tiptoe, [creeping] through minefields/ To find the truth, what it reveals."....? Although there is some awkwardness in the next lines, they are pretty much fine as they are, and we can dicuss them(if you want) when you are here to converse. The main part that I want to adress is the end. I love, love LOVE the IDEA in the end, but not how its said. What of "Follow it, and you might pass/ The looking glass to truth at last." Its not perfect, and its just a thought, but I think the internal rhyme strenghtens th eend and ads some flaire to it." Seriously, though. Reply! I know it hasnt been all that long, but I feel like im talking to a brick wall....

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RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:39 pm

Are you talking to yourself? :P I was gonna post. Poem, but then you said NO COMMENTS. Cruelty does not become you XD

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:59 pm

Lol, it it already has comments, then you dont need free feedback. And yeah, it FEELS like I am...

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Kris_10 replied...
Mar. 31, 2013 at 4:01 pm

Can you please look at my poem I Am The Paper?

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 31, 2013 at 7:07 pm

Checked it out. Very good!

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DoctorbugThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:26 pm

Sooo....I have a rhyming poem on here called "Freedom".... *Hopeful look*
It just has a couple of comments from me (the writer) about fiddling with the name.

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RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:55 pm

Can you look at my poem Ripple Affect?

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 3:30 pm

Cool! Did you mean "On here" as in on a thread here? I looked at your profile and didnt see one officially on the site. Give me a bit and I will pop my head out into open and take a peak, if i dont comment after a while, it mean sI cant find it and you oughta bump it to the top by posting on it.

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DoctorbugThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 3:36 pm

I submitted it to Teen Ink but it hasn't been cleared yet. But there IS another copy in the threads. Thanks, you're awesome :)

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DoctorbugThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 4:08 pm

Thanks! I love a good dose of constructive critizism XD. 
"What do you do when the light's there, giving the darkness a scare?" -- Hmm...basically asking what you do when there's no more darkness to fight, I guess. 
"I'll never let go my freedom, no matter where it's from" -- You're right, I might need to change that. But what I meant that no matter how the freedom was gained or given or whatever, the person would never give it up. 
But you're right, the initial "Huh?" isn't what I intended. I should fix it, thanks! :)

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JettaWintryThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:20 am

I have a poem called "Speak Out Loud" if you have time. (: I appreciate it!

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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:59 am

Can you please read 'I’m Conscience-Stricken'? Thanks!

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 5, 2013 at 8:44 pm

:lHey Jetta. It took me a while to find it, sorry. For some reason i couldnt find that particular poem last niht. Foun it today! @ Marie, I will check your work out as soon as I find time.

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Laugh-it-OutThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:06 am

Could u look at my peice The Vows? That would be great thanks

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:11 am

Jetta: took a look at your poem. Nice :)

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TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:46 am

Yup! Sorry I was so slow gettin at it :(.7 youre pretty good :)

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