Facebook Activity



Teen Ink on Twitter

Home > Forums > Writers' Workshop Forums > Poetry & Lyrics > Feedback, collaboration, whatev :)

Writers' Workshop Forums

Where teen writers share their work
   
Next thread » « Previous thread

Feedback, collaboration, whatev :)

RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:20 am

((not exactly. I'm still following the theme. I guess it's up to you to take it there, and I was going to keep it on track too))
 
It started as a kind of song,
the kind that claims the heart.
Then grew into a symphony,
when you became a part.
 
My pulse had been enraptured,
My heartbeat thumped along.
It knew something no one else knew,
that everything was wrong.

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:02 pm

((I have NO CLUE where we are going!!!))
I realized, too late, that we
Were actors on a stage

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:05 pm

((Why dont you end this stanza, and write the first half of the next one? So four lines?))

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:42 pm

((it's OKAY, just go with it :) or if you don't like it then start a new one))
 
It started as a kind of song, 
the kind that claims the heart.
Then grew into a symphony,
when you became a part.
 
My pulse had been enraptured,
My heartbeat thumped along
It knew something no one else knew,
that everything was wrong.
 
I realized, too late, that we were
actors upon a stage.
That what the others spoke as truth,
we read off of a page. 
 
Like waking up from a nightmare,
this realization came...
 
 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 6:11 pm

That I was just a character,
A puppet in your game.


The scenes played out by you and I,
though I'd thought them real....

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 6:37 pm

It started as a kind of song,
the kind that claims the heart.
Then grew into a symphony,
when you became a part.
 
My pulse had been enraptured, 
My heartbeat thumped along.
It knew something no one else knew,
that everything was wrong. 
 
I realized, too late, that we were
actors upon a stage.
That what the others spoke as truth,
we read off of a page.
 
Like waking up from a nightmare,
this realization came.
That I was just a character, 
A puppet in your game. 
 
The scenes played out by you and I,
though I'd thought them very real. 
Were tinged with a kind of ecstasy,
a never-ending zeal. 
 
That's how I knew it was a lie,
and why my heartbeat raced...

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 7:54 pm

I saw that every smile had been
Plastered on your face.
Your lines were really lines
and when the mask was drawn away

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 8:29 pm

Your lines were really lines and when
the mask was drawn away,
It wasn't easy to find your eyes,
or hear what you would say.
 
You turned away from me before,
I'd had a chance to see. 

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 9:51 pm

((Uh... can we pause a moment? I just looked backwards and realized something. We said "thats how I knew it was a lie", but zeal and ecstasy are good things. So you would have to say that you knew it was a lie because they were fake. How about "tinged with painted ecstasy/ and overbearing zeal"? [I dont like the word over bearing, over-acted? It would fit with the theatre theme...] I dont think "very" added to "thought them real" fits syllable wise, but thanks for moving "and when" to "and when the mask was drawn away" where it belongs + other helpful things =] i have chores, then bed, then church tonorrow. It may be monday by the time I can go on.))

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 10:08 pm

((that's okay. I meant more along the lines of ecstacy is too good a feeling to be true and that it's a feeling that is in a way a lie, because it blinds you from reality. But we can change that I guess. And we can change the part back that you don't like :) ))

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Kris_10 replied...
Mar. 31, 2013 at 3:28 pm

Could you read/review my haiku ignite me? thank you! (:

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 1:25 am

"You turned away from me before
I had the chance to see
The Tale was growing darker, but
I sensed the Tragedy.


The symphony that started high
Was omonously [deep/low/drear]..." ((Couldnt decide on that word, take your pick. Oh, and Easter Monday...!))

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 1:35 am

((I'll answer this tomorrow. Oh, and Kris_10, I commented on your haiku, it was really good!! XD....
 
Epic: lol, happy Easter!! Making cupcakes with a bunch of little kids is challenging to say the least, but that's what I did for two hours this morning at church :) ))

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:43 pm

And while I tried to block it out,
It's too easy to hear.


All these things struggled for me,
To capture my weak mind....

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:17 pm

Then it finally dwaned on me:
You were fake, you lied
All this time you'd brought me here
To to decorate your show...

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:25 pm

All this time you'd brought me here
to decorate your show.
Yet how can I allow myself,
to forget what I know?
 
You see, those lines we always read,
they're all we have, aren't they?

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
TheEpic95This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:46 pm

((Time out a sec, wait a tick. If we are trying to get it to be about how people dont consider how their actions can affect others, shouldnt the poem be from the perspective that she feels his pretention was inconsiderate and hurtful?))

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Jade.I.AmThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 7, 2013 at 10:10 am

((yeah. Good idea. Feel free to take this wherever, and sorry I've been an absentee lately :P))

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Laugh-it-OutThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 7, 2013 at 7:45 pm

awesome poem so far guys!!! one of you should publish this! anyway, can you take a look at my poem As the World Goes on? thnks!

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread
Jade.I.AmThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:56 pm

i rated and commented, Laugh-it-Out :)
 
Bump, epic!! :P lol

Reply to this Thread Post a new Thread

Launch Teen Ink Chat
Site Feedback