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Feedback for feedback.

SarClark posted this thread...
Mar. 26, 2013 at 4:00 pm

Hi. I'm looking for some feed back on a poem and will gladly check out any of your poems if you review mine.
Tell me if you think I'm missing something or how you feel about it, if you have the time.
Most of the time I feel like
That’s always been the type of girl I was –
ideas flying through my hair and out of breath from talking,
out of breath from living and
wondering and existing.
I’ve always been the quiet, tired girl. Always;
predictable like the yellow line that runs through roads.
I never stopped and I rarely changed and sometimes pieces of me would chip off on the way.
Predictable like the horizon;
Consistent. full of the unknown. A relatively unexplored frontier.
At times I would stand and face the sunset or the sunrise
asking questions and cursing furiously –
the red light sank deeper into the trees and saturated everything around me
but I did not feel illuminated.
I felt like brushing everything anyone had ever said to me off my shoulder
and leaving home.
There were days were I’d wish time away;
there were moments where I merely existed for fear of actually trying to be something.
In the spaces between seconds I would sometimes forget to breathe.
That was the girl I used to be; tattered and worn,
But I have felt your fingers on my skin and
and I have wondered. I have stuttered and shaken
and I have been alive, illuminated.
I have felt like flying;
Broken is the glass that once stood so solemnly, facing me –
gone are the days I went no where.
Instead I turn and face the sunrise and whisper winds of thanks. 

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Mckay replied...
Mar. 26, 2013 at 4:43 pm

I think the poem is well-written. The language is familiar, nothing complicated; though, good use of vocabulary, rather than using the same over-used words. Plenty of imagery. My one thing to say is I believe you didn't capitalized "full" in line 11 in "full of the unknown". But this is merely nothing. Everything else seemed fune to me. I would like for you to explain the last line "winds of thanks." 

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Labradorian replied...
Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:22 pm

"there were moments where I merely existed for fear of actually trying to be something"
That, I think was my favorite line of this poem. I have trouble describing why this poem struck me as it did, but I think it might boil down to the reflective and metephorical, but very direct style in which you wrote. The use of repitition, and references to previous analogies added wonderfully to the flow without becoming to abstract - which allowed me to not only enjoy the sound of the poem, but also associate and connect with the characters story. Wonderful job.

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Laugh-it-Out replied...
Mar. 27, 2013 at 10:58 am

This is really good, love the imagery! Could u check out some of my stuff too?

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Rolledthestone replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 1:14 pm

Good topic. I really liked the descriptions and the use of language/words. It was great really. Not perfect, I think you could work on the flow. I couldn't find a rhythm while reading it. Maybe use of syllable count? You can check out any of my works.

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TheEpic95 replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:09 pm

Totally moving. Did you *mean* to say wind of thanks? Its an interesting phrase, i thought it was typo, but because of the context where you talk about the sunrise and the days, i wasnt sure. Anyhow, it has beautiful an dvery human flow, growin gbetter and better as it goes on. It was a pleasure to read!

Do you think you could give some fb on Imperial Dust for me? Thanks!

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dagnytaggart replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:44 pm

Oh man. Where to start? First off, the poem is beautiful. Each line is significant; each line holds its own; each line has so much emotion. I love this poem so much... Its going in my favorites! BTW, can you read "Know That I do" and rate and give feedback? Thanks!

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jonpettigrew replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 10:55 pm

i like it! great imagery even if its a little hard to understand at some parts

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SarClark replied...
Mar. 31, 2013 at 9:53 pm

Okay! I think I got to all of you that asked for feedback. Thanks so much to all of you, I really appreciate the help.

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