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Travels of Innocence

Poetic_Person posted this thread...
Feb. 14, 2013 at 8:59 pm

On this I would really like to know what you 'see' when you read it... but of course other feedback is appreciated!
 
Back when I was
Young and stupid,
Before the time began
 
I sailed down
The Nile River
And stopped at South Sudan.
 
I rode the sun
To outer space,
Wishing on each star
 
To be forever
In this place,
Back in my days of yore.
 
I climbed a mountain
Of snow and ice
And then tobogganed down.
 
Had so much fun,
I did that twice.
It’s called Everest, I found.

Then I went
To Lake Baikal.
I stayed there for a while.
 
Six minutes it took to
Swim and swim,
Deep down 16 hundred miles.
 
I slid down the arctic slopes
And gazed up
At the sky.
 
Agleam with green and dancing,
A birthday party
Across the sky.
 
I froze the time
With my play
But it would be thawing soon.
 
So I took one
Last trip to Egypt
And buggied beyond the dunes.
 
I rode the sun
Back to my home
For my mom had called for dinner
 
Jumping off at
Lightning Lane
Arriving Faster than a spinner.

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thatunknownthingThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:37 pm

This enthralled me, but i can't really 'see ' much, perhaps because i take me time the intepreting, especially the last stanza seems pretty hazy to me. i liked the 5th last stanza, though. sometimes, the flow in the poem is breaking, as well. 3/5
and if you can, comment on some of my work?
 

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RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:42 pm

I really liked this up until the very last stanza, which I didn't think fit with the rest of the poem. Your imagery is amazing, however, and it left me intrigued:). I have to agree with the comment above, I didn't really "see" anything (don't even really know what you mean by that) but I do know that I liked your poem! Would you look at something of mine, please? :)

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Poetic_Person replied...
Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:56 pm

thank you! I will keep working on it. And sure, I'll look at you guys' work

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