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A New Poem.. Spiral (Feedback is so appreciated!_

MaggieM posted this thread...
Feb. 4, 2013 at 10:55 pm

I tried to make this short and to the point. 
Spiral
My mom says
Take life
As it comes
 
One
Shaky
Baby step at a time
 
Pain will fade
Days will pass by
Tears will fall
 
It all falls
Spinning
In a downward spiral

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praise_pray_write replied...
Feb. 5, 2013 at 5:59 pm

This is definitely short and to the point! I really like the story. Here are my two cents:
1. Maybe say days will pass instead of days will pass by in the third stanza. This just might help it flow a bit better.
2. try picking a different word for fall in the line "tears will fall" (maybe spill or drop?) There isn't much use of repition in your poem so the proximity of "tears will fall" to "it all falls" is a bit much.
Hope this helps! love this, normally I don't like the use of the word it (especially when closing a piece) but this is so general and all inclusive that "it" really works! great job, keep writing :D
 

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FearlessAngel replied...
Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:42 pm

Try to fit the words into a consistant rhythm. Right now its progressive to the point but like praise_pray_write said changing a line or two would help it flow. Otherwise it was a pleasent read. ^_^

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