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Hatred(tell me if this is good)

Lawless-FlameRose posted this thread...
Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:13 am

Hatred is a painful dred,
A flaming arosin in the head,
Sitting in your stomach hard as led,
A powerful thing given the cred,
Hatred has a life,
It loves to thrive,
It rests in your heart buzzing in its hive,
Hatred causes racism murder and more,
Once you have hatred it goes deep in your core,
While its in it takes a full mind tour,
Love has no chance when hatred involved,
Only a pure mind can have the problem resolved,
Over the years hatred has grown and evolved,
Hatred detroys families,
You know hatreds reached its grand finally,
When love is gone,
And armageddon has begun.

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RarelyJadedThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:59 pm

Well, good news is I love the idea of this... But to help you out, there's a ton of grammar mistakes, and I can tell you forced some of the rhymes. The thing is, when you do a rhyme scheme like that the flow of it all gets choppy, and it inhibits your creativity. Just some friendly criticism:)

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Lawless-FlameRose replied...
Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:45 am

Thx its appreciated but i kinda just put this together thats where the grammar mistakes came from

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A_Fate_Unknown replied...
Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:40 pm

I agree, this concept would be better if it was perhaps thought out a bit more. The rhymes feel incredibly forced. I actually have trouble writing without rhyming every line also haha. But I think if you used rhymes less often it would be a little less awkward and more powerful.

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Lawless-FlameRose replied...
Feb. 5, 2013 at 12:40 pm

thank you i appriciate that i will try my best

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CaptainKThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:57 pm

You've really analyzed hate! It's very good and I like the sudden breaks in the rhyme scheme but there are a few errors here and there. Don't worry, it doesn't take away from the creativity of the poem!

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MadilynRose123 replied...
Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:05 pm

I really like this! You truely analyzed hatred. Since some of the rhymes are forced, I was wondering if you may be musically inclined? If you are, the lines of the poem may be better in song form. :) Let me know if you would need any help adding music! 

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Lawless-FlameRose replied...
Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:16 pm

thank you and was its music in it idk but thanks everyone

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