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Feedback for Feedback...(:

Indiewriter posted this thread...
Jan. 19, 2013 at 3:10 pm

Hey!!!(:
I will look at at least one of your poems if you read/ comment/ rate my poem "Cold Shoulder'. You can find it on the front page of the free verse section. Of course, feel free to look at any others of mine if you like that one!
Please tell me which poem you'd like me to r/r/c, otherwise I'll just pick a random one.(:
Thanks!
--indiewriter<3

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:19 pm

Here is the start to one of my songs: 
Chorus: And I love you every minute every hour. I even think about you in the shower. No matter what I do my mind is ruled thoughts of you. So baby this song is my love letter. Cause when I look at you my heart starts to flutter

When I look at you my spine sends out a quick shudder.



1st verse:

I see you standing over there on the street corner smiling like you do.

You caught my eye and I won’t lie you never let it go.

I must admit when I got bit by the love bug

I think it saved my life.

And I love you every minute every hour. I even think about you in the shower. No matter what I do my mind is ruled thoughts of  you. So baby this song is my love letter. Cause when I look at you my heart starts to flutter

When I look at you my spine sends out a quick shudder.

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Indiewriter replied...
Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:41 pm

I love this! "i think about you in the shower" haha. This is completely relatable without being entirely cliche. 
In the chorus, I think you're missing a word. "is ruled thoughts of you". Did you mean "by" or "with"? If you didn't, it could still work. You would just need to add a hyphen. It would then be " my mind is ruled- thoughts of you." Whichever way will work!
Also, this is just a suggestion, since you're talking about your mind and "thinking about you" in the beginning, I think it would sound nice if instead of "my heart starts to flutter" "my mind starts to flutter". But that may change the whole poem, so don't do it if that's not the message you want to send across!
You can definately make it longer though! I'm excited to read the rest of it.(:
p.s. in addition to "Cold Shoulder" would you mind reading "Humbly Beautiful"?
Thanks-
You're an amazing writer.
--indiewriter<3

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