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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Dec. 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Wether you are looking for ratings, feedback, or just something to read, this is the place to look. So please post anything that needs feedback here. I always leave comments!

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DeanDavisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 29, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Hey Sparkle1pops, you've commented on all my work so far, my old username was Confuzzled5, now it's DeanDavis, and I am a girl, Dean Davis is just my pen name.
 
Eternity
 
You barely know me.
I was the one,
Who no one could figure out,
I didn't know the word crush.
I was my own person,
I didn't care what anyone thought.
 
You barely know me,
But you have ruined me.
My heart beats so fast when you're around me,
I can't hear what you're saying,
When I want to hear every word.
 
You barely know me,
But the first time you touched me,
My heart stopped beating,
For the first time in my life.
I hate you,
For changing me,
But I love you for it too.
 
You barely know me.
I lose myself,
In your beautiful eyes,
You make me laugh all the time,
But inside,
I just want to cry.
 
You barely know me.
You look at me,
But not at the real me.
You talk to me,
But not to the real me.
 
You barely know me,
And from the looks of it,
It's going to stay that way,
For eternity.

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 29, 2012 at 11:06 pm

I love this poem! I like how there are two girls yet they are the same. It kind of reminds of the Golem scene in lord of the rings lol. The onlt thing I would change would be that you were a little repetitive. You might want to try staying away from that in future peotry. 

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KimKendrickThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 29, 2012 at 11:24 pm

I was trying to go for something new, I guess the repeating lines thing doesn't work for me, huh?

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Dec. 30, 2012 at 12:23 am

Hey can you read my poem "Inside the Body"? Give ratings and comments please:)

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:48 pm

KimKendrick, 
It works, its just that the repaeting line thing is so cliche. Maybe if you had the same line inside each verse instead of at the begining of each verse. 

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Sure thing!

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LoudDreamer replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:32 pm

thanks, sparkle.
Could you check this one out for me? TeenInk.com/poetry/all/article/397932/A-Fools-Walk/

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KimKendrickThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Kay, thanks for the advice, but I think I'll just go back to my normal style, this kind of poem isn't working out for me.  Thank you so much though!

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LoudDreamer replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Actually, I think except for the last line, which can just be dropped and dosent need to be replaced, its awesome. I think "Know Me" is a great title

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KimKendrickThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Wow, personal preference changes everything, you guys are basically telling me the opposite things!!! I'm confuzzled...

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LoudDreamer replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Haha, I suppose it is an example of differing tastes. So it falls to you, how do you like the repeating line? How do you like the last line? And is or isn't eternity (excuse me here) a little too forced a title?

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KimKendrickThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Oh, I totally agree, Eternity was a terrible title. I usually change stuff based on what other people like, rather than what I like... Hmm, maybe I should rethink my priorities.

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Angelic_Kitten_Guenyth, 
I really loved that poem! 

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 30, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Here are some of my most recent poems. 
Classified
I have been described as awful, fulfilling,

beautiful, putrid, depressed, unfortunate,

spoiled, different?

I have been classified as,”One of those”.

Yet still I stand firm on my feet, never

letting anything knock me down.
Afar Feelings
Depression and sorrow are far
they drove away in my car

with them traveled anger and pain

waving goodbye from the window pane.

On the northbound train travel

fear and abuse

they hitch a ride on the caboose.

The back to back flights are booked with

anxieties, and sob stories that no one ever bothered

listen too.

These feelings are afar, but still remembered in my heart.
The Midnight Castle
Through the howling wind travels the midnight castle.
It tries to escape from the city hassle.

It progresses towards a land far away.

In that land it hopes to stay.

Behind the castle walls there are secrets being whispered

by the hidden ones who know the tales of the Egyptian

pharaohs and the queen of the Nile.

They have been concealed for ones personal gain.

Just like the other treasures that are

slipped under the floorboards

or buried in the icy heart of the king.

This castle was built with lies and hatreds.

Each brick representing another misfortune.

Yet still it is a place loved by many.

It is a place thought of as holy.

This place is a scapegoat for ones sins and shames.

Majestic as it may be, this palace is not a place for you or me.
I Asked
I asked the professor to teach me chemistry
he said I didn’t have the brains.  

I asked the coach to teach me the game

he said I didn’t have the name.

I asked the model to teach me to prance

she said I didn’t have the at-first-glance.

I asked the Ballerina to teach me dance  

she said I didn’t have the stance.

I asked the man to teach me love

he said I didn’t have the romance.

So I asked someone to teach me something

and they said I didn’t have a chance.

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 31, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Also feel free to post on this with articles from other websites.

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AmayaEcho replied...
Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:13 pm

 
 
“If I Were Sane at 0”
 
If I were sane at 0,
I would have freed myself from
                future woe.
I would have isolated myself before
                I could go.
My heart is entwined
                with yours, oh!
the pain forever destined
                to follow.
 
If I were sane at 0,
I would have willed death before
                I could grow.
I would not hesitate,
                never slow.
My heart was opened
                at birth, oh!
how I wish it
                stayed hollow.
 
If I were sane at 0,
I would have had more
                strength to show.
I would now be among the
                ashes, low.
My heart was innocent and
                tender, oh!
my tears would not have been
                meant to flow.
 
If she were then also sane,
She would have quickly
                done the same.
She would have gladly
                left life’s game.
She has at last gone
                away, late!
assuming death
                as her fate.
 
You are senseless to the pain of your shove.
Sigh.
It was not my choice to love.
 
 
For clarity, '0' is the age of zero.  What do you think?

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AmayaEcho replied...
Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:19 pm

Of these 4 poems, I liked 'Afar Feelings' the best.  What inspired you to write it, if I may ask?  It's the perfect balance of letting go and remembering feelings best left alone.
"I Asked" was nice as well, but I think it lacks some structure.  The rhyme scheme isn't completely clear, and some more advanced vocabulary would add professionalism.
"Classified" was okay.  It felt like it was an introduction, not a full poem, like an elaboration is needed.
"The Midnight Castle" is unclear to me; I don't understand the meaning of the poem, so I feel I can't really critique it.

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:47 pm

I really think this is a great piece. I tink that you might want to stop focusing on the rhyme scheme though. It kind of takes away from poem. Besides that the only other tig I would suggest would be to change the formating, its kind of confusing. All in all good job :)

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