I got really messed up.
I don't know why,
And I doubt this warning will be enough.
I might avoid looking at you,
I might freak out when you're around.
I might flinch when you are next to me,
I might do anything,
So you might decide to stay away,
And that's okay.
If you stick around,
I'd like to say,
I'm really messed up
This is good. If your trying to rhyme, work harder on that, if your trying to get a really big feeling of emtion, work on that too. But its cool i like it. can u read my poem inside the body
Actually, I wasn't trying to rhyme, it just ended up that way.... I was trying to basically write a letter to my friend in the form of a poem, because you see, I had a super crazy nightmare about her last week, and I haven't seen her since then because of winter break, so I don't know what will happen...
And your poem was great! I love how you began with the actual body, then moved into the symbolism behind it with such passion. The only critism I might have would be the beginning didn't catch my eye, in other words, if I were scrolling through poems, I probably would have skipped yours, because I didn't see the passion that was in the end.
No, I dissagree with Kitten, I don't think this one needs alot of emotion. Its akward, and for once, that fits. Having a nightmare about a friend is the worst, when your with that friend, your not openly emotional, your stiff and akward. You feel messed up and not at all yourself. I actually like how it gradually moves into rhymes, like your gaining momentum, thawing out a little bit as you confess your not allright today. I love it. I had a dream about a friend dying once, and in the dream it was my fault, I wish this poem was around for me to read then.
Oh! I forgot to say that the phrase in the second line, "I got messed up," is a little TOO akward. It implies dru.g use, not dreams, not facing something disturbing. How about "Recently,/ Something messed me up."
That is a WAY better line, thank you! Btw, I'm Confuzzled5... In the dream, all my friends were being tortured and I couldn't do anything about it, then I was given the chance to take their place, and I did. I was then tortured, and my friends all laughed at me the whole time, I felt so alone... After what felt like hours of relentless torture, my friend ____ was in front of me, and I begged her to help me. She took out a gun, and watched me scream until my voice cracked, then she looked me in the eye, laughed, and shot me...