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what do you think of my poem?

purplehani posted this thread...
Dec. 20, 2012 at 6:45 pm

 
Charm Bracelet
When I got the contract
to perform each year
It made a huge impact
when he let out a cheer
 
He gave me a chain
that would do no harm
We kissed in the rain
He was my lucky charm
 
He said when I sang
the angels were jealous
His voice made a clang
The birds would cuss
 
Before my performance
I got a call
He died by chance
I didn’t sing at all
 
The night he was late
He died by a car
And now I hate
all music stars

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Confuzzled5This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 28, 2012 at 8:04 pm

I like it, but it is confusing the way you said you got a call about it, then it said he was late, like you just found out or something. Other than that I really like it. Could you comment on one of my poems? You can get to them by clicking on my Username.

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Dec. 28, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Its ok. It really got my attention when he died so good job:) can you please read my poem called inside the body?

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LoudDreamerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 29, 2012 at 8:20 pm

weeeell..... It was good, as a start, the verse about angels being jealous and birds cussing? it was funny, but didn't fit. It was akward, too. Not the sentiment, that the boy loved to joke and praised the speaker by being down on himself, thats good; that's quirky, the type of thing a person would remeber when they jost lost someone. But it might need work. Just my thought, though.

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LoudDreamerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 29, 2012 at 8:21 pm

could you take a look at some of the poems under my name?

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purplehani replied...
Jan. 3, 2013 at 3:44 pm

You guys are all right, this definitly needs some work. I wrote this poem for school so some of the required things were in stanza 3. Could you look at my poem "wih you"? I would rather focus on revising that.

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