I'll give feedback! Just share your poem with me and I'll tell you what I think!
Thank you so much for your offer! It's great when someone is willing to give feedback without asking for anything in return. I will read some of your pieces for sure.
I have a poem called "Like Birds". If you enjoy it, I have many other pieces posted.
Thanks so much again!
Please don'y be afraid to be harsh :)
The scratching of pencil on paper
The darks marks of lead left behind
The beautiful image now there floating.
Creativity sprouting like a flower wallowing
in an apartment windowsill. Memories that
travel back from the future, and a girl with
headphones blasting in her ears. Hidden in
the corner like a dancer at mardi gras.
Yet she feels every stroke of her pencil
sending passion through her body.
Scribbling down the things that come
through her dreams. She can be so easily
judged and pushed away from others.
Remember to never judge a book by
its cover or else the book might become the cover.
This is beautiful. You use very nice figurative language, especially the metaphor of the last line! I don't know if this is the message you were going for, but this is what I got from it- a girl has been judged and finds ways to be herself, which is isolated.
An ancient tale
To tie all ends
That once was lost
Not seen again
A verse of nonsense
A feather pen
Stories of people
Who mattered back then
Dry leaves that whirl
Around the bend
Like letters that
Were never sent
But heard within
The whispering wind
A voice that sings
Trees bare beneath
A starry net
The gleam of moonshine
Came and went
The shadows spread
Across the land
As sunset ends
And night begins
The winter’s end
The voice that sings
Bright and shiny and
Just like you.
They cover us tonight, shielding us from the unknown,
from the uncertainty of what tomorrow may bring.
The oceans tide moves with the ebb and flow of who we are,
Of who we hope to be.
we cannot know tomorrow,
We can and we do
So in this bright and shiny and
We will be.
The stars are our blanket tonight,
Your chest is my pillow,
And you are
Ya thats right :)
I really like the constant amount of syllables- that always makes a poem sound catchy. Also, you have a distinct writer's voice. However I did have a hard time relating to what the message is. It might be just me, but what were you trying to say?
@Mac- this is interesting! I think if you gave this to a girl you cared about she would be flattered! I like your use of figurative language- especialy the metaphor of stars as a blanket. Good work!
@ Mac- This is a really nice poem! I think if you gave this to someone you cared for, they would be flattered! You use great figurative language- especially the metaphor of stars being a blanket. And also you have great rhythm! Beautiful work!
Tear and mascara are staining my sleeve,
I am trying to not let my chest heave,
But thats hard to do, when I can hardly breath.
You don't know what you do with what you say.
You don't know how often I have to pretend to be okay.
You can't know because you do this nearly everyday.
Yet it is I who will apologize, why I do not know.
Again nothing new it's just how things goes.
I'll love you to death, until death do us part.
For it is you to whom I have relinquished my heart.
Somedays are good, while most a bad.
Despite the pain you will always be the best I've ever had.
Would you mind reading some of my pieces? I'll check out some of yours as well. :)
Feel free to comment or rate any of my poems - I don't have any preference. Thank you, by the way.