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Want some feedback?

kdaws15 posted this thread...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:07 am

I'll give feedback! Just share your poem with me and I'll tell you what I think!

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KnitsandPurls replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Thank you so much for your offer! It's great when someone is willing to give feedback without asking for anything in return. I will read some of your pieces for sure.
I have a poem called "Like Birds". If you enjoy it, I have many other pieces posted.
Thanks so much again!
--KnitsanPurls

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Please don'y be afraid to be harsh :) 
The scratching of pencil on paper



The darks marks of lead left behind



The beautiful image now there floating.



Creativity sprouting like a flower wallowing



in an apartment windowsill. Memories that



travel back from the future, and a girl with



headphones blasting in her ears. Hidden in



the corner like a dancer at mardi gras.



Yet she feels every stroke of her pencil



sending passion through her body.



Scribbling down the things that come



through her dreams. She can be so easily



judged and pushed away from others.



Remember to never judge a book by



its cover or else the book might become the cover.



 

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kirstiecookie replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

This is beautiful. You use very nice figurative language, especially the metaphor of the last line! I don't know if this is the message you were going for, but this is what I got from it- a girl has been judged and finds ways to be herself, which is isolated.

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Dec. 8, 2012 at 6:21 pm

An ancient tale

To tie all ends

That once was lost

Not seen again



A verse of nonsense

A feather pen

Stories of people

Who mattered back then



Dry leaves that whirl

Around the bend

Like letters that

Were never sent



But heard within

The whispering wind

A voice that sings

Remember when



Trees bare beneath

A starry net

The gleam of moonshine

Came and went



The shadows spread

Across the land

As sunset ends

And night begins



To signify

The winter’s end

The voice that sings

Remember when

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Mac H. replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 6:34 pm

The stars.

Bright and shiny and

Perfect,

Just like you.



They cover us tonight, shielding us from the unknown,

from the uncertainty of what tomorrow may bring.

The oceans tide moves with the ebb and flow of who we are,

Of who we hope to be.



And although

we cannot know tomorrow,

We can and we do

Know today.



So in this bright and shiny and

Perfect moment,

We will be.



The stars are our blanket tonight,

Your chest is my pillow,

And you are

Perfect

To me.

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Ya thats right :)

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kirstiecookie replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I really like the constant amount of syllables- that always makes a poem sound catchy. Also, you have a distinct writer's voice. However I did have a hard time relating to what the message is. It might be just me, but what were you trying to say?

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kirstiecookie replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 10:23 pm

@Mac- this is interesting! I think if you gave this to a girl you cared about she would be flattered! I like your use of figurative language- especialy the metaphor of stars as a blanket. Good work!

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kirstiecookie replied...
Dec. 9, 2012 at 1:07 pm

@ Mac- This is a really nice poem! I think if you gave this to someone you cared for, they would be flattered! You use great figurative language- especially the metaphor of stars being a blanket. And also you have great rhythm! Beautiful work!

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Christine S. replied...
Dec. 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Tear and mascara are staining my sleeve,
I am trying to not let my chest heave,
But thats hard to do, when I can hardly breath.
You don't know what you do with what you say.
You don't know how often I have to pretend to be okay.
You can't know because you do this nearly everyday.
Yet it is I who will apologize, why I do not know.
Again nothing new it's just how things goes.
I'll love you to death, until death do us part.
For it is you to whom I have relinquished my heart.
Somedays are good, while most a bad.
Despite the pain you will always be the best I've ever had.

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laurengerhard replied...
Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:46 pm

Would you mind reading some of my pieces? I'll check out some of yours as well. :)

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WeLiveForOurScarsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 5, 2013 at 3:37 pm

Feel free to comment or rate any of my poems - I don't have any preference. Thank you, by the way.

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