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orangechick18 posted this thread...
Nov. 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

 
The colors start to blend
The lines start to fade
Over time nothing seems to stay,
You try to keep your ground
But the earth trembles beneath your feet,
With every tick of the clock
More ground is lost
Till there is nothing left,
Then you spiral out of control
Nothing makes since
You try to find something solid
But you can’t
You just keep falling,
Then right when you give up
You come crashing down,
At first the pain is astonishing
But once you pick yourself up
It’s like you’re a new person,
The colors don’t blend
And the lines fade,
For once in a long time
The ground beneath you
Is once again solid
And you can be yourself.

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cgreene24 replied...
Dec. 3, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I must honestly say that this is one of my favorite pieces that I have read on teen ink. I think that everything you are trying to do is a roaring success. My only suggestion to you would be to read the work outside so that you could start to rethink some of the punctuation. Very strong work :)

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kdaws15 replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

I really like this! This is a wonderful comparison to life, and I relate to what you're saying. Change the word since to sense, and agreeing with cgreene, try to switch up the punctuation.

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KnitsandPurls replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Other people have talked about punctuation, and I agree with them. But I think you should thnk more about adding more, than about rethinking it or switching it up. I understand how hard that is, though. I have had the same trouble with a lot of my potry.
On a more complimentary note, you have a beautiful idea and you convey it elegantly. You use "you" instead of "I" (second person?) effectively. The poem is of a good length.
For a light silly read, you could check out my limerick entitled "My Socks", but totally don't feel pressured to.
--KnitsAndPurls

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