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Feedback for feedback :3

EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Nov. 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm

If anyone wants to read/rate/comment on anything I've written I'd be more than happy to return the favor.

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Lithium96 replied...
Nov. 29, 2012 at 11:26 am

Hey I was wondering if you wanted to do some back and forth with writing.  

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RBrown201 replied...
Nov. 29, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Hey! If you, or anyone else, wants to check out my piece: TeenInk.com/forums?act=post&topic_id=16&thread_id=71319&rand=0.2317298483545458#reply1520680
I will be more than happy to do a feedback for feedback(:

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jetta.bugThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I'll do it!

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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Sure :)         

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LoudDreamer replied...
Dec. 1, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I commented on Dream-Caught Paper. I liked it. I know it sounds like I didn't, but I was simply honest about what, in my very unqualified opinion, made it akward.

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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 6, 2012 at 6:12 pm

It's fine. I appreciate honest feedback, it's what helps make me a better writer.

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 7, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Here is one of my poems, 
The scratching of pencil on paper



The darks marks of lead left behind



The beautiful image now there floating.



Creativity sprouting like a flower wallowing



in an apartment windowsill. Memories that



travel back from the future, and a girl with



headphones blasting in her ears. Hidden in



the corner like a dancer at mardi gras.



Yet she feels every stroke of her pencil



sending passion through her body.



Scribbling down the things that come



through her dreams. She can be so easily



judged and pushed away from others.



Remember to never judge a book by



its cover or else the book might become the cover.

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kdaws15 replied...
Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:55 am

i really like the ending of that poem! nice metaphor :)

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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I really enjoyed this. Most of what I would suggest is changing a few periods to commas in the begining where they go well with the past sentence but don't really make a sentence of their own (for example after floating in the second line) but I understand that's a stylistic thing as well as a grammar one. One similee that bothered me was "hidden in a corner like a dancer at mardi gras". Personaly, I don't associate dancing with hiding at all, but then again, I have little experiences with dancers at mardi gras. And because I'm being slightly brutal right now (sorry about that, I really do love this poem a ton, you've really got talent) I would suggest a slight rewording of the second to last line to take out the word remember, as it kind of diverts the reader's attention from the speaker to themselves, which can be good, but perhapse it's more sudden than you might want. I think you can smoothen that out.
I'm not doen, like  Isaid, I really do love this poem. That's probably why I have so much critique, I really want to see it in the magazine. And oh, the lovely lines you've weaved! "Dark marks of lead left behind". This appeals to me, I think, because it seams it was written to be read outloud. Just say it and you can hear the glorious vowels subtly supporting one another. In the next line you use wonderful words like "sprouting" and "wallowing" and soon after that the line "memories that travel back fron the future" catches my attention and ushers forth a speaker, drawing the focus from the image itself to the girl drawing it. Another line I loved, perhapse for what I saw as an abstract visual flare, was "every stroke of her pencil sending passion through her body". I can picture the speaker, intent on filling the white void before her, and the image is fabulous.
Like I said, I really like this poem :)

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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Goodness, my spelling and typos are atrocious! Sorry 'bout that :P

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Thanks so much! 
Those were really good ideas. I will go back and fix those. If you want to check out any of my other work that would be great. I will go and read some of yours too!

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 14, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I asked the professor to teach me chemistry

he said I didn’t have the brains.  

I asked the coach to teach me the game

he said I didn’t have the name.

I asked the model to teach me to prance

she said I didn’t have the, at first glance.

I asked the Ballerina to teach me dance  

she said I didn’t the stance.

I asked the man to teach me love

he said I didn’t have the romance.

So I asked someone to teach me something

and they said I didn’t have a chance.

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Anna141This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 15, 2012 at 7:26 am

I raited and reviewed Rain Dancers, I was wondering if you could do the same for my poem Red?

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Jazmyne805 replied...
Dec. 15, 2012 at 10:56 am

Hello! :)
Here is my first free verse poem and it just went live: TeenInk.com/poetry/free_verse/article/511750/My-Shattered-Heart/ Feedback, comments, and opinions are very much appreciated!!! :) Thank you so much!!! :)

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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I'd love to! :)

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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I loved that poem, Sparkle1pops! "She said I didn't have the, at first glance". Such a creative line! The comma made it a tad hard to understand, though I can see why you put it there. Maybe instead you could change "at first glance" to at-first-glance. Either way, the line is fabulous. I also noticed that "she said I didn't the stance" lacked the word have, which inturrupted the pattern of previous lines. I enjoyed your use of repetition. It works well for this poem, creating a notable flow between lines. The only other thing  Iwould suggest is breaking the pattern at the end. Compated to the rest of the poem the last two lines are weak and unspecific. You could change the format, but i think the content could be changed and the "and they said" kept so as not to be too abrubt.
Good job with this!

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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 18, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Thanks! I think the point of the last line was to be kind of  unspecific. It was supposed to mean that the list of things no one would each could have gone on forever, so I just ended it open mindedly.   Your right I should go back and get rid o that comma. Thanks a lot! - Sophie
 

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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 21, 2012 at 9:33 pm

You're very welcome, I enjoy reading your poetry :)

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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Oh yeah, and it just occured to me that if any of you  only rate my writing I can't tell who you are so you should either leave a comment or let me know on here. Thanks!

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