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If anyone wants to read/rate/comment on anything I've written I'd be more than happy to return the favor.
Hey I was wondering if you wanted to do some back and forth with writing.
Hey! If you, or anyone else, wants to check out my piece: http://www.teenink.com/forums?act=post&topic_id=16&thread_id=71319&rand=0.2317298483545458#reply1520680
I will be more than happy to do a feedback for feedback(:
I'll do it!
I commented on Dream-Caught Paper. I liked it. I know it sounds like I didn't, but I was simply honest about what, in my very unqualified opinion, made it akward.
It's fine. I appreciate honest feedback, it's what helps make me a better writer.
Here is one of my poems,
The scratching of pencil on paper
The darks marks of lead left behind
The beautiful image now there floating.
Creativity sprouting like a flower wallowing
in an apartment windowsill. Memories that
travel back from the future, and a girl with
headphones blasting in her ears. Hidden in
the corner like a dancer at mardi gras.
Yet she feels every stroke of her pencil
sending passion through her body.
Scribbling down the things that come
through her dreams. She can be so easily
judged and pushed away from others.
Remember to never judge a book by
its cover or else the book might become the cover.
i really like the ending of that poem! nice metaphor :)
I really enjoyed this. Most of what I would suggest is changing a few periods to commas in the begining where they go well with the past sentence but don't really make a sentence of their own (for example after floating in the second line) but I understand that's a stylistic thing as well as a grammar one. One similee that bothered me was "hidden in a corner like a dancer at mardi gras". Personaly, I don't associate dancing with hiding at all, but then again, I have little experiences with dancers at mardi gras. And because I'm being slightly brutal right now (sorry about that, I really do love this poem a ton, you've really got talent) I would suggest a slight rewording of the second to last line to take out the word remember, as it kind of diverts the reader's attention from the speaker to themselves, which can be good, but perhapse it's more sudden than you might want. I think you can smoothen that out.
I'm not doen, like Isaid, I really do love this poem. That's probably why I have so much critique, I really want to see it in the magazine. And oh, the lovely lines you've weaved! "Dark marks of lead left behind". This appeals to me, I think, because it seams it was written to be read outloud. Just say it and you can hear the glorious vowels subtly supporting one another. In the next line you use wonderful words like "sprouting" and "wallowing" and soon after that the line "memories that travel back fron the future" catches my attention and ushers forth a speaker, drawing the focus from the image itself to the girl drawing it. Another line I loved, perhapse for what I saw as an abstract visual flare, was "every stroke of her pencil sending passion through her body". I can picture the speaker, intent on filling the white void before her, and the image is fabulous.
Like I said, I really like this poem :)
Goodness, my spelling and typos are atrocious! Sorry 'bout that :P
Thanks so much!
Those were really good ideas. I will go back and fix those. If you want to check out any of my other work that would be great. I will go and read some of yours too!
I asked the professor to teach me chemistry
he said I didn’t have the brains.
I asked the coach to teach me the game
he said I didn’t have the name.
I asked the model to teach me to prance
she said I didn’t have the, at first glance.
I asked the Ballerina to teach me dance
she said I didn’t the stance.
I asked the man to teach me love
he said I didn’t have the romance.
So I asked someone to teach me something
and they said I didn’t have a chance.
I raited and reviewed Rain Dancers, I was wondering if you could do the same for my poem Red?
Here is my first free verse poem and it just went live: http://teenink.com/poetry/free_verse/article/511750/My-Shattered-Heart/ Feedback, comments, and opinions are very much appreciated!!! :) Thank you so much!!! :)
I'd love to! :)
I loved that poem, Sparkle1pops! "She said I didn't have the, at first glance". Such a creative line! The comma made it a tad hard to understand, though I can see why you put it there. Maybe instead you could change "at first glance" to at-first-glance. Either way, the line is fabulous. I also noticed that "she said I didn't the stance" lacked the word have, which inturrupted the pattern of previous lines. I enjoyed your use of repetition. It works well for this poem, creating a notable flow between lines. The only other thing Iwould suggest is breaking the pattern at the end. Compated to the rest of the poem the last two lines are weak and unspecific. You could change the format, but i think the content could be changed and the "and they said" kept so as not to be too abrubt.
Good job with this!
Thanks! I think the point of the last line was to be kind of unspecific. It was supposed to mean that the list of things no one would each could have gone on forever, so I just ended it open mindedly. Your right I should go back and get rid o that comma. Thanks a lot! - Sophie
You're very welcome, I enjoy reading your poetry :)
Oh yeah, and it just occured to me that if any of you only rate my writing I can't tell who you are so you should either leave a comment or let me know on here. Thanks!