I wore my heart on my sleeve
You hardly wore yours at all.
I was head over heels in love with you
But you didn't even fall.
I thought you'd caught me early on,
Thought you'd hold me off the ground,
But then you threw me in a sea of tears
Threw me in so I would drown.
A million miles away, it seemed,
Was the mind I longed to touch.
But to fill only your thoughts with me
Would have never been enough.
Your empty heart did not beat for me
The way mine always did for you
And so I saw each lie through it's disguiseWhenever you said you loved me too.
This is really good. Im serious. I feel very tentative to give you advice because Im afraid that if I say it wrong I could ruin it. How can I explain this? okay, this reminds me of the way ballads are typically written, but they have a set number of syllables in the lines, you don't have to follow these rules since what your writing might not be a ballad, but maybe you'll like it. It uses Iambic feet to mesure the sylables in each line, two syllables for each foot, and it alternates four feet, three feet, four feet, three feet for each stanza. One of my stanzas from my Ballad of Loss (pending approval)goes:
The sun's| sweet warmth| is fad|ing fast,
And though| its light| shines on
I can|not feel| its glow|ing touch
Because| you'll soon| be gone.
I think that if you set limits and minimums for you lines it might make it a little easier to read, if i had written this, (you can do whatever the heck you want, this is only because I am crazy in love with ballads) I would have done something like this:
Your heart/ has ne/ver beat/ for me
As mine/ has done/ for you,
It shows/ your lies/ are a/ disguise,
Your claim/ to love/ me too.
You don't have to do it this way if you don't like it, or even take my advice at all. I just think it could make it smoother. It's really awsome even as it is.
I know you posted that comment a long time ago, and I didn't respond. I was slightly offended that you were suggesting I change my poem, and I didn't want to listen to you. However, I have revisited the idea, and I think it sounds beautiful. I love the idea of turning this into a ballad. I am currently working the stanzas out, and I would love it if you read the final poem when it was finished. Thank-you so much for the advice, I think this will really make it a better poem. :)
This is wonderful, but I do agree with the ballad idea. I feel as if if you made each line simpler or shorter it would flow and sound beautiful! It already is pretty amazing, but I'd also like to read it if you revise it into a ballad!
Thank-you! I changed it into a rough ballad and submitted it yesterday. Hopefully it posts soon!