Rayyn: Wow, that seems really annoying, about the whole Jared thing. I'd just be like, "would you stop? I don't like him!" lol. As for health class, I haven't had an official one, but in middle school we had to do this "Life Skills" class once a week in place of English, and it was so awful and boring and awkward :P. Like, the bullying/drugs talks were so repetive, they basically said the same things over and over and over >.
Tessi: I agree with Jane, Phillip does sound insecure, and that seems really annoying about how he's getting jealous of you and Alex :P. I haven't been in that exact situation, but I've been in a similar one. Like, I hate it when you've been friends with a guy for a while and then another one of your fiends start dating him, and then she gets annoyed whenever it seems like you're having a good time with him. It's just like, helloo-oo! Just because you guys are dating, it doesn't mean you have complete control and claim over him...*sighs*...luckily, that has happened in a while, and me and the rest of my friends basically realized that we don't like the main girl who was doing that, and we aren't really friends with her anymore (lols).
Jane: *gasps* Whoa, there's another person who doesn't have FB! :O XD. Anyway, about your boyfriend, he may not even completely realize it. Maybe if you tried to talk to him about it seriously and calmly, face to face, he'll understand. Or maybe they are just friends, and that's it. From earlier posts, he seems like he really loves you. Or maybe talking to other girls seem like a bit of an, er, respite (for lack of better term). Like, I don't know how much you talk about your cutting with him, if you do at all, but sometimes, even if you don't even really talk about it, it can be a bit stressful or even tiring to be around that person, and just needs a breath of fresh air, so to speak. Gah, I making it sound really bad, probably, but it's just hard to explain. I still think he loves you, though, a whole lot. If it seems to become a bigger problem, then I'd just try to talk with him about it. Oh, and I like your poem :3
To everyone, sorry if it seemed like I was butting into this, I just wanted to say those things. Us Inkies have to stay strong and stick together, and I really do care about you guys :).
Welcome eloquent-leaf! That is a lot of really good reasons, but sometimes it seems like spoken reasons just don't work....I don't know why, but all those reasons seem over my head now that I'm in so deep, if you know what I mean...
By the way, I have a new screen name. But it's still Iamme11 aka Tessi here!
Leafy: It's okay. Because we were all, after all, wondering if someone would butt in and explain to us. And you're right, cutting is an addiction. Yup, I'm pretty much addicted. And I started cutting because of one of my friends who used to cut, even though she never said it was great or anything. But I don't have anyone who would cut to get me to stop...and it's true that I wouldn't want anyone to do that.
Everyone: This weekend I went to Acquire the Fire (ATF for short). ATF is a christian gathering of youth groups and we sing and pray and listen to messages together. It's really fun and, frankly, life-changing. Because God is so relevant there. I don't know if any of you are religious, but I am and it was the best experience I've had. I found out a lot about myself, and I promised that I would try my best to stop thinking so badly of myself and things. At the end of it, I even tossed my blades (I always had my blades with me before that. I kept them in my underwear), but not without "Just one more cut." Of course, it would have been really hard if I hadn't been so into the moment. It's been a little hard without them, but not so bad because it's only been a morning. Just...if any of you pray it would be great if you could pray for me, so that I can stay strong. Please? I will pray for you too. It's going to be really hard.
Wow, I looked up ATF and it looks amazing! I'm so glad you threw your blades out, Rayyn. *hugs her tightly* And yes, I will be praying for you to stay strong :)
Tessi, I'm not sure if you recognize me, but this is leafy :). And well, I was wondering (for all of you, actually), how and why did you start cutting/scratching? If it's too personal, don't feel like you have to answer.
I TYPED THE WHOLE STORY AND THEN MY COMPUTER DECIDED TO F//K UP AND I HAD TO TURN IT OF! Now I have to start ALL OVER!
Alright, so I started last year about the time that I started to get real help for my eating disorder. I was scared about when my parents were talking to a counselor and I was biting my thumb really hard when blood started to come out of the pores (Which sounds gross but I thought it was intriguing). So basically I just scratched the skin off. And it relieved stress so I kept doing it to relieve stress. Then later when I went to a more intensive place I met this girl who used to cut but she was over it because she had been in a mental place to help with that before she could go to the eating disorder place and she had so many scars (I guess she used to cut really deep). Anyway, I asked her about them a little. Later when I was expected to deal with having to eat normally I just started cutting with blades so that I would feel better about eating normally. Because I felt guilty eating normally and still really disgusted with myself. Even before the scratching I had met a girl who cut on facebook, but I never met her in real life. She attempted suicide several times and I could never talk her out of it online, I couldn't do anything but watch helplessly.
Basically, my cutting was a big snowball of events.
Fun story: One time I had a dream about a girl I knew, younger than me, who, in the dream, had scratches all over her arms. I asked her about it in real life (well, on facebook, but still). And she said it was true, then asked the other girl that I knew just on facebook (this girl knew her in reality) to see if she had told me. But it was really from that dream. Strange, huh?
I'm sorry that I couldn't show the original story that I typed, I wish I could, but my stupid computer...the first version told the story way better.
Hi leafy! =) just responding (reallyy late) to what you posted....
First, about the list...i know you are trying to help, but i have to say that some of the reasons you mentioned arent really..well..helpful. :/ sorry, i know you meant well. :) let me just tell you my point of view of the list...please dont take it as offensive, i already feel bad cuz i know you must have taken a while to type up that whole list and for that i am thankful :)
1) very helpful
2) sometimes our friends dont actually show that they care; for example: i had nine cuts on my hand, and all i got was "IMMATURE" thrown in my face :]
it cut my list off!
2) sometimes our friends dont actually show that they care; for example: i had nine cuts on my hand, and all i got was "IMMATURE" thrown in my face :] :,( but otherwise, helpful..
3) i think that's what some of us intend, to bury the problem under
4) nothing to say about this one or 5
6) not helpful. Calling what we do "ugly" is not going to really help the matter....cutting is a part of us, and so therefore it could be translated to a part of us is ugly
8-15) trying to guilt us out of it doesnt help, it just makes us feel bad (well, it made me feel bad, i dont really know about everyone else..)
16) i can only speak on my behalf for this one....i cut over the summer when my parents and i were on vacation and the water didnt bother my cuts at all....actually the sea water helped them heal faster. Funny, sea water feels good, but sink water doesnt.... :i
17) that is most of the issue: people judging us
19) refer back to what i said about number 6
20+21) again, i can only speak on my behalf...i take/took care of mine, i put antibiotic ointment on them at night, to make them stop opening up every time i moved my hand...but that didnt speed the healing process
22) guilt, fear, and psychiatric? we have mental disorders now? (sorry, little negative voice in my head speaking out there)
23) i dont want any of us dying either :(
24+25) no, it does not seem like it, and no, we/i do not realize it, but....helpful
31) but pillows make.. noise.....helpful tho
33) i can be happy....at least my happiness is beautiful then...cuz i dont believe that i am
35) i dont lie...they just dont know. Never noticed.
37+38) we know... :[
39) GUILT! now I personally feel even more bad about myself than i already did (sorrryyy, i know you meant well)
40) sometimes i dont know why it matters if i'm in this world or not....no one listens to me, no one notices me....
42) everyone has different ways of dealing with things
43) thats a good idea...
47-51, 53) helpful =)
54) O.O dont, leafy..
55) helpful...and i do talk to someone. My boyfriend. He usually helps.
56+57) helpful, thank you leafy
Okay, so that's MY take on the list. Sorry if i was mean in any way, i just wanted to tell you what went through my head as i read it. But really, thank you so much for putting it out there for us, it really does mean a lot, at least you cared to take like 30 mins of your life to type up that whole thing =) my friends would be much too lazy...
A point on the calling it ugly: Actually I always thought it was pretty. I still do. Sorry, it sounds sick and wrong and everything, but it's true. A pretty color and making pretty patterns and all that....
In response to what you said about my earlier posts: yup, dont have a Facebook, and never gonna want one. :] And no, of course he doesnt. Boys dont realize anything until it is pointed out to them (most of the time). And yeah...i tried to. I dont talk to him about it anymore, mostly because when we're not in school he cant talk to me. We have our share of times when we stress each other out with long rants, but i know i deal with his...i think he deals with mine. And thanks, about the poem =)
Rayyn.....i can understand that. For me, during more positive moments, i viewed the cuts as showing that i was kind of in a twisted way, strong.....ish. err....
And i'll type my "What Started It All" story some other time...
Yeah I get what you mean. It's weird....I do know though, that in the case of me, I know I am mentally f///ed up, I don't need to be told that.
Dont say that