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Sorla_the_Space_Cowboy posted this thread...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 8:43 pm

So I've always been a hot headed person with a tendency towards violence, but it just keeps on getting worse. I have these uncontrollable urges to just maim and make something bleed. I want to kill, I want to rip things apart. It's always been at the back of my mind, but it's like I'm not in charge anymore. I've been getting into fights for absolutely no reason, just to hurt people. The other day when I was hunting, I caught a rabbit in a trap and spent ten minutes cutting it. Normally if I get a live animal, I'll just slit its throat or snap its neck, I don't want it to suffer, but this time I put all my focus into just making the thing bleed. It's not like I want to hurt the poor thing, I just need to tear and maim. Whenever I see blood, I'm gone, it takes up everything, it's all I can think about. It makes me want to attack. Last night, I was just sitting around, dozing, and when someone reached over me, I bit them. I bit him hard enough to draw blood. It's like I'm not me anymore, I'm losing touch, and there's nothing I can do, unless I want to be locked up and never see the sun again. 

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RarelyJaded replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 8:58 pm

You said you had an alter-ego (for lack of a better word) sort of like schizophrenia, that is animal. 
Is this the reason it's getting worse?
I think it's anger. You need a better way to release it....than biting people and torturing bunnies. Can you tell me why you're so angry? I can't help you otherwise. 
But just know you have friends, Sorla. I hope it gets better for you, it's an awful feeling not to be in control of yourself. 

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Mar. 30, 2013 at 9:20 pm

I'm not sure why it's getting worse, it just keeps building up. All I know is that sometimes I lose sight of reality. I forget that I have thumbs or only two legs, I forget that I can talk, and I don't feel comfortable inside. The walls are closing in. I've named the beast Conriocht, it's supposedly a case of Zoanthropy, but it doesn't feel like a mental illness, it just feels like me. I'm angry ALL the time, it's just another part of me. My family is absolutely insane, and it feels like I'm the only one with any sense. I know I'm gonna explode some day and really hurt someone. I know I will end up killing someone in my life time. I also know that nothing can change this, I just need to find a way to gain control again. I know I'll never be happy, or balanced, the most I can do is just try and live. 

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RarelyJaded replied...
Mar. 30, 2013 at 10:02 pm

I disagree with you there. I think you will get better, but I'm an optimist. Let me ask you, do you want to get rid of this? I know you say this is just "a part of you" but is this really who you want to be? Mur.derous, angry? I think if you try, you can change....because once you kill someone, there's no going back, and it'll destroy your life no matter if you get caught or not. 
How's it going with that boy, too? 

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RarelyJaded replied...
Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:04 am

lol, you inspired me to write a poem, Sorla, I hope you enjoy it! :P
You hit me and I fall, through your arms, unable to fight back.
You think you know what it takes
To hurt me,
Yet I rise again as an ever-changing flame.
I never die out, but you say I burn you,
Well I might do that
But you touched me and that’s the price you pay.
It was not okay.
I can’t fight back, yet you say
I burn you,
How can I burn you?
When all I ever do is be myself?
You say
That I hate you, that my lies are what
Us, what keeps this from becoming something
But I say it’s you, thinking you own me.
You don’t know me.
I can’t control you, but I can’t even control myself, my flames
Are writhing,
Struggling to be free of this infernal cage
That is you,
Suffocating my fire and my will to keep adapting to you,
My will to burn.

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Mar. 31, 2013 at 10:19 am

First off, your poem is amazing XD And Zach found out how crazy I am and won't talk to me anymore. I don't know if I want to get rid of this, all I know is that I want to be happy and it seems impossible. 

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KatsK replied...
Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:17 am

I'm really sorry, even though I know you don't want my sympathy. How long has this been going on? I mean, did it start getting worse after a certain event?

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Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:05 pm

Well, I've always had a bit of an animal side. Listening to my instincts kept me alive when I was younger, and even now. It's just easier to tone everything out except survival. My mom and dad's parenting style was to basically let us all fend for ourselves. I guess it got even worse when I was thirteen, I had a bad experience and I lost trust in everyone.

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RarelyJaded replied...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 12:38 am

I'm really sorry to hear that about Zach. But then again, I guess he wasn't worth it after all. 
I'm going to be honest with you, because I know you're not the type of person who's looking for complete and utter bull, such as "everything's going to be fine if you only eat rainbows for breakfast".....so here's my advice and of course you can take it or leave it :P
Whatever this is, that's controlling you, is not something you want to keep around. If you value your quality of life, your happiness, your morality, and your body, you will not let this get out of hand. You said it yourself, that the way things are going for you right now makes it "impossible" to be happy.
I'm not pretending to know how to get rid of this feeling you have. I'm not qualified for that, and I'm not going to pretend to be. The only thing I'm saying is, you deserve more and you're worth more than this. 
And thanks for liking my poem :P I'm always here to talk about any crazy stuff that is going on, okay?

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