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Depression: Info, help, discussion

Rebel_Love-Song replied...
May 30, 2012 at 10:28 am

Hi Jubilex, I remember seeing a lot of your old threads, they really helped me, I'm glad you're still here to talk to.

I'm Olivia _____, Via is my nickname, and I've been depressed for... gosh, for as along as I can remember. I've been cutting, burning, biting, scratching, and otherwise harming myself for about 5 years. I know all these things are bad for me, but I can't stop. I've been in the hospital a couple times, because as much as I reassure people by saying I know how to cut without hitting major veins, the truth is I don't care enough to avoid those veins. I feel...empty. I mean, i was a foster kid, and there I was beat and sex.ually and emotionally abused and all sorts of horrid things, but people knew me. They paid attention. In this home, they ignore me, dislike me, treat me like a disease in their perfect litttle world. The Emo/Writer/Schizo/Bi/Depressed girl has no place in my parents perfect little world of soccer games, dance classes, and straight-A report cards. I'm always ignored by them, by everybody, and it hurts a lot. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I think that maybe, just maybe, death would be better. Easier. At least it would break this cycle of trying to cut myself to little pieces just to feel something. I mean, these people were just foster parents. They could have sent me back into the system, let me find some home where people actually CARED, but instead, they didn't. They adopted me, let me think that they love me, and now its a miracle if I get a sideways glance when I walk in the door. Their open disdain for me is almost worse than being beat, because I thought that they loved me, and they don't. I just want to die. It's not like anybody would notice that I'm gone. Why would they?

Sorry for my rant, I had to get all that off my chest.

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 31, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Rebel_Love_Song, (unless you deleted your post) your post didn't show up because you either used a word that could be deemed as offensive (any swears, or words like preg.nant and se.x. Even cra.ck is censored), or posted a link. Your post has gone into a filter to be checked over by a mod before it is allowed. I don't know the estimated waiting time for that to occur, and sometimes the mod takes large breaks before coming back and allowing old posts to go through. Some posts don't go through at all.

 

I'd suggest that you retry saying what you said previously, but put dots into the words that could be deemed "offensive" so that they don't get caught by the filter.

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Rebel_Love-Song replied...
Jun. 1, 2012 at 11:42 am

Thank you :) I was curious about that....

Hi, I'm Olivia ___, called Via. I've had depression for as long as I can remember. I think the formal diagnosis was in foster home 5, the mom took me to a mental health proffessional and he said I was depressed. Go figured- the girl who had spent her life unto this point getting used, abused, and treated like the scum on the bottom of shoes is depressed. I NEVER would have guessed. Though I guess there is irony in the fact that I was diagnosed when I was with my favorite foster family. The time in my life I was happiest and I was still depressed. Guess I am screwy in the head. Go. Figure.

Sometimes I wish that I was still in foster care. I know, messed up, right? But the thing is, even though I was getting se.xually, mentally, and physically abused, at least people were paying attention.
At least my existance was acknowleged. With this "family", the only acknowlegement I get is that "Bad-smell" face my "parents" have whenever I look at them. They hate me, I know it. I mean, who wouldn't? The Schizo/Depressed/Cutter/Goth/WriterDancer girl. Even I hate me, and I AM me. For my goody-goody parents with all their perfect little soccer players and ballerinas (NOT my type of ballerina, the sweet, innocent type. I'm more like Odile than Odette.)), I am something evil that must be destroyed. Broken. Swept under a rug and ignored. And so thats what they do. The worst part is they didn't HAVE to adopt me. They could have kept me in the foster care system. If they did, I'd already be dead. Peaceful, blissful death. That thing that I want but am too cowardly to get. That moment where I cut, deep deep deep an dthen, because I am scared, stop. Before I die. I shouldn't stop. I know that its a better place where I will go. But I'm a frickin chicken, so I do stop. Guess I'm stuck here till I grow some balls and use the blade the RIGHT way.

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Rebel_Love-Song replied...
Jun. 1, 2012 at 11:45 am

Thank you, I was curious about that....

 

 

I'm Via. I've had depression for as long as I can remember. I think the formal diagnosis was in foster home 5, the mom took me to a mental health professional and he said I was depressed. Go figure- the girl who had spent her life up to this point getting used, abu.sed, and treated like the sc.um on the bottom of shoes is de.pres.sed. I NEVER would have guessed. Though I guess there is irony in the fact that I was diagnosed when I was with my favorite foster family. The time in my life I was happiest and I was still depressed. Guess I am scre.wy in the head. Go. Figure.

 

Sometimes I wish that I was still in foster care. I know, messed up, right? But the thing is, even though I was getting se.xu.ally, mentally, and physically abu.sed, at least people were paying attention.
At least my existance was acknowleged. With this "family", the only acknowlegement I get is that "Bad-smell" face my "parents" have whenever I look at them. They hate me, I know it. I mean, who wouldn't? The Sch.izo/Depres.sed/Cutter/Goth/WriterDancer girl. Even I hate me, and I AM me. For my goody-goody parents with all their perfect little soccer players and ballerinas (NOT my type of ballerina, the sweet, innocent type. I'm more like Odile than Odette.)), I am something evil that must be destroyed. Broken. Swept under a rug and ignored. And so thats what they do. The worst part is they didn't HAVE to adopt me. They could have kept me in the foster care system. If they did, I'd already be dead. Peaceful, blissful death. That thing that I want but am too cowardly to get. That moment where I cut, deep deep deep an dthen, because I am scared, stop. Before I die. I shouldn't stop. I know that its a better place where I will go. But I'm a frickin chicken, so I do stop. Guess I'm stuck here till I grow some b.alls and use the blade the RIGHT way.

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 2, 2012 at 1:13 am

Rosie_TI, try to avoid comparing yourself to other people. You get this idea in your head that your pain isn't worth as much as other people's and it's just not true. I have a quote that reflects this actually.

 

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them people are starving in China or anything like that because it won't change the fact that they were upset. And even if someone has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad."

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky

 

I wouldn't say that I've been depressed for five years. It's been five years since it started, but for the last year I've been stable and happy for the most part. There's still some residual effect from the depression, like I get upset more easily than I should and I get anxious and worn out pretty quickly, but I haven't really been depressed for around a year. I'm not unstable, or self destructive anymore. And I don't get caught up in sadness or feel out of control. Not to the same extent at least.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your depression. It's a rough thing to live with. Being depressed is also the worst thing I've ever had to go through. It's just so... breaking. It's like it takes everything out of you.

 

It's really difficult to find self esteem when you're at those lows. Like you said, things keep bringing you down. I keep repeating this over and over, but the management for depression (and it's effects) is something that's usually best done in baby steps. I remember being told once that even if I wasn't confident when public speaking (which I wasn't much when I was depressed), that I should try to fake it. Yeah, it's not easy, but I was pretty suprised by the results. I'd go up to make my talk, feeling all on edge and thinking that I'd done a bad job, and get positive feedback on the end. People would tell me that I appeared nervous, but otherwise confident, that I spoke clearly, etc. It didn't feel like it from my perspective, but it did from theirs. People see what you show, not so much what you feel. After receiving enough positive feedback, my confidence did start to grow. I still get nervous about speeches, but I'm able to deliver them with some confidence.

 

Using anorexia as a substitute does not sound crazy. It is also a form of self harm. It's not as obvious as cutting/burning, etc, but it does still harm you and it is still self inflicted. Forefully depriving yourself of sleep is also a type of self harm. They can all potentially have the same reasoning behind them. Anorexia isn't usually used to punish one's self/numb pain, but it can be. In the end it's a destructive habit, but I'm sure you know that. Any type of self harm feeds depression. It's ironic really, considering the point of them is to prevent pain and so lessen the effects of depression, which it does, somewhat, do temporarily, but the longer term effects definitely worsen the cycle of depression.

 

I'm always happy to listen. Unless a direct question is asked I'll generally ramble some of my thought to what you've said, as above. If you feel like you want to talk about something more direct, then mention and I shall respond, but if you're happy to keep going on like this, then that's cool too.

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 2, 2012 at 1:21 am

Via, I'm sorry to hear about all of the things that have happened to you. It sounds like you've had a rough life.

 

You've probably heard this one before, but suicide is not the answer to your pain. I strongly believe in life and controlling your own life as best as possible. Obviously there are things you can't control (your family, things other poeple around you do, and for the most part your emotion), but you can control how you react to your situation and there are far better ways to react to it than suicide.

 

Now that I've said that I'm going to ease off on the advice. I know it's hard to change, particulalry when you've been a certain way for so long and having someone tell you to it often just counter productive.

 

I'm not sure what else to say really... What do you want to talk about? Is there anything that you do want advice on?

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shapeshifter56This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 1, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Hey Jubilex,
You seem to know a lot about depression and self-injury and stuff so I thought you'd be the right person to ask about this. I've heard a lot of stuff about depression and self-injury being linked to bipolar disorder. So naturally, I've started wondering if on top of everything else, maybe I'm really bipolar too. I'm starting to drive myself nuts with it actually because every time I change moods I wonder if it's a "normal" mood change or not. I know bipolar disorder has to do with emotional extremes. I just don't know how extreme is extreme if that makes sense. 
I feel like, for me, I'll be really happy and nothing can bring me down and I love life and think it's worth living and look forward to the next day, and then all of a sudden it's like I hate everything and wish I was dead and feel like I'm having an awful day even if nothing's gone wrong and I feel like I need to cut or hide out in my bedroom in solitude. 
So, really, I'm just wondering if that sounds like normal teenage mood swings or if I should do more research on the whole bipolar thing...

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 1, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Hey shapeshifter,

I've had quite a few people wonder about bipolar before. I don't know tonnes about it off hand, but I can easily find the information (being a med student has its perks). However, there is something substantial I can offer without any research. Depression can show the type of pattern that you mentioned, without bipolar being present. Depressed people can often be feeling, more or less, fine at one stage and then something triggers them, or their mood changes and they spiral back down. This happened to me a lot. I'd get caught up in talking to friends, or get excited by something and I'd be distracted for a while, but then later I'd go back to feeling terrible. This is an example of a depressive mood swing. It's common in depressed people. I wouldn't call it a "normal teenage mood swing," but it is something that is often evident in depressed people.

Another piece of important information (I had to look this one up), it that manic/depressive mood swings in bipolar patients tend to last for days at minimum. The current diagnostic criteria for a hypomanic (essentially a less extreme manic episode), requires the mania to have been present for at least 4 days. At least four of the following symptoms must have been present for this time for it to be clased as a manic episode:

- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity.
- Decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep).
- More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking.
- Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing.
- Distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli).
- Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation (fidgeting, etc).
- Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have ahigh potential for painful consequences (e.g., the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments).

What you described to me gave the impression that you go from elated to depressed either within the same day, or over two days. Bipolar is often a cyclic process with a manic episode lasting at least 4 days (but can be much longer) followed by a depressive episode lasting weeks to months.

Hopefully that info has helped a little. Bipolar is pretty rare as well. The lifetime risk is approximately 1.5%, whilst the lifetime risk for depression is approximately 20%.

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 1, 2012 at 9:47 pm

 
Hey shapeshifter,
 
I've had quite a few people wonder about bipolar before. I don't know tonnes about it off hand, but I can easily find the information (being a med student has its perks). However, there is something substantial I can offer without any research. Depression can show the type of pattern that you mentioned, without bipolar being present. Depressed people can often be feeling, more or less, fine at one stage and then something triggers them, or their mood changes and they spiral back down.  This happened to me a lot. I'd get caught up in talking to friends, or get excited by something and I'd be distracted for a while, but then later I'd go back to feeling terrible. This is an example of a depressive mood swing. It's common in depressed people. I wouldn't call it a "normal teenage mood swing," but it is something that is often evident in depressed people.
 
Another piece of important information (I had to look this one up), it that manic/depressive mood swings in bipolar patients tend to last for days at minimum. The current diagnostic criteria for a hypomanic (essentially a less extreme manic episode), requires the mania to have been present for at least 4 days. At least four of the following symptoms must have been present for this time for it to be clased as a manic episode:
 
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity.
- Decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep).
- More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking.
- Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing.
- Distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli).
- Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or se.xually) or psychomotor agitation (fidgeting, etc).
- Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have ahigh potential for painful consequences (e.g., the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, se.xual indiscretions, or foolish business investments).
 
What you described to me gave the impression that you go from elated to depressed either within the same day, or over two days. Bipolar is often a cyclic process with a manic episode lasting at least 4 days (but can be much longer) followed by a depressive episode lasting weeks to months.
 
Hopefully that info has helped a little. Bipolar is pretty rare as well. The lifetime risk is approximately 1.5%, whilst the lifetime risk for depression is approximately 20%.

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Erecura replied...
Sept. 1, 2012 at 11:32 pm

So, I've never been officialy diagnosed.. but, yeah. So, I'm fourteen, and when I was elevan I was ra.ped. I starteed cutting for a while after that, and eventually stopped. Recently after that I had some prblems with anorexia, but got through those okay. Then some bad stuff happened when I was about thirteen and I tried to kill myself twice, almost managing once. I've started cutting again, and I have fallen back into some old not-eating habits. It's like the way it was, but about a lot worse. I have nightmares, and some days I just can't seem to make myself get up and go through another day.

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 2, 2012 at 1:47 am

I'm sorry to hear about all the things that have happened to you. I responded to your thread about your concerns telling your parents, and even though you haven't told them (as far as I am aware) it's good to hear that you're getting some support from a friend.
 
Have you ever thought about reporting the person who ra.ped you? It's a terrible thing and the guy who did it to you should be held accountable.
 
I'll help in any way that I can. If you just want to talk about things then that's cool. Let me know what you want from this conversation and I'll be as accommodating as possible. If you want advice, all you have to do is ask and I'll let you know what I think.

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Loveit replied...
Sept. 2, 2012 at 8:03 am

Thank you Jubie.. Hi, I'm like really new to this site. I just happened to find your thread and I wanted to say that I can relate to you - depression.. My life is just frustrating. I've went through rough and tough and dramatic to ..

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Erecura replied...
Sept. 2, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Jubilex: my dad worked for the american embassy for a while, and it happened while we were living in Slovakia. I don't know his name, and I have no idea whether he's still even there (it was an international school). So, yeah. There's not much of a chance there. But thanks.

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 2, 2012 at 8:24 pm

ErecuraL Ah, okay... If there's anything I can do, just let me know. I'm here if you need anything/want to talk.
 
Loveit: No worries. I'm glad you got something from it. If you ever want to talk, feel free to come here and do so.

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PriyaA replied...
Nov. 3, 2012 at 2:14 am

I am really scared these days and all i feel like is crying all the time...i feel like nobodys seems to care abt me and i just want to get over with my life.. dont feel like living!!! i am so on the edge!! i am always frustrated and just alone!
All this started in July since than i have had my bestfriends ignore me and blame  me for everything wrong call me names behind my back...and not only that they have told everyone else also to stop talking to me! I have asked them sooo many times that what is the problem and they wont tell me they just give me lame exuses...that i said something years back...I never cry in school...but every night i cry myself to sleep!
I cant talk to my teachers cuz  i am afraid that they will judge me.. and my family doesnt understand ! all they do is shout at me! and i am good in studies..come 1st in class captain of the school team and do tremendous amount of co curriculars! but nobody appreciates me for it! Moreover, as i get more prizes my frnds seem to hate me more!!
I dont know what to do! i am in desperate need of some help..PLEASE!!

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 6, 2012 at 6:14 pm

PriyaA: I'm sorry to hear that :( People can be so cruel sometimes.
 
You said you feel like no one cares about you, and while it might not be the same, I care about you. So you don't have to go on thinking that no one out there cares about you.
 
Losing my best friend is what triggered my depression. It's not what maintained it (it continued well past the point I got over that), but it triggered it all to start. It's horrible what they're doing to you. My friend was very cruel to me too after we stopped being friends and it's so painful to have someone you care about so much acting that way towards you. I'd encourage you to try and understand that what they are doing is wrong, and there's no excuse for it. They are in the wrong here, not you. If you did something they didn't like they should have talked it out with you. So despite whatever lame excuse they come up with, it's not good enough. They are not worth the hurt you're feeling. When I lost my best friend, I held onto her far longer than I should have, considering the way she treated me. I should have made a clean break, let her go. Maybe then I wouldn't have been so hurt by everything. I mean, it still hurts to have people be angry at you, or call you names, but it's less hurtful if they don't mean so much to you.
 
Teachers are a really underutilised resource in schools. It's amazing what a good teacher can offer you in terms of advice, from all the students they've seen and their own personal experience. I found a teacher that really listened to me and respected me, and talking to him did really help at points. If you're going to talk to a teacher my advice is to pick one who responds positively towards you in class, who seems to understand you, or listen to you. That's what I did.
 
If you ever want to talk, I'm here. If you want advice, I'm happy to give what I can.

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PriyaA replied...
Nov. 8, 2012 at 12:10 am

Thank You for your advice but it is getting harder and harder everyday! Its not that only she isn't talking to me she is telling everyone else to also to stop talking to me! I am trying to let go but it's really hard! and it hurts!
It has happened to me before also, it really changed my personality, i became so shy and quiet, I don't want that to happen again! I finally managed to open up to people and started to trust people...I dont want to go back to the little girl who was always alone! I dont want that to happen to me again...
I am going to a party tommorow and my bestfriend and  her "followers" will be there..and I feel like they will try to insult me in public..I have tried to not go to parties where she comes..but this time I am forced and the girl who is hosting the party is a really close friend of my best friend! I am really scared!
I know it's a lot to ask but can I just regularly talk to you on this forum? Vent out my feelings and take advice from you? You really seem to understand...Thank you..

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 8, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Yes, of course you can come here to talk, or ask advice. If you want help with something specific, just as and I'll do what I can. I wasn't in exactly the same position as you. I didn't have my friend telling others not to talk to me or be friends with be. We had a lot of mutual friends and sometimes I wouldn't be invited to something that she was at, but that's pretty much it. That, of course, sucked, but it's not the name. I suppressed a lot of who I was when I was depressed. I became withdrawn and lost a lot of my social skills. Because I was 16 at the time (not quite 16 when it started, but close enough), I missed out on developing a lot of new social skills as well. My advice for that is to try and not let it happen if possible. Which I know from experience is hard because it seems much easier to try and avoid hurt, which results in being withdrawn. But it's so much harder to build those social skills back after they're lost. If they start something at the party, maybe ignore them? Go on having fun with the people that you choose to hang out with while you're there.

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Jade-is-amazing replied...
Nov. 10, 2012 at 1:32 am

well for all of you who dont know my story here it is..
i was a happy 16 year old girl with an amazing partener and a b.a.b.y. on the way... about 2 and a half weeks ago i woke up and i had a feeling something wasnt right. my partener was like morning gorgi.... OH JADE! YOU HAVE BLO.OD DRIPPING DOWN YOUR LEG! my worst fear had come a reality. i was rushed to the hospital at 8:47 am... to find out that i had lost my b.a.b.y.
i feel like im a failure and i am severely depressed... i cut and over dose to get my self to sleep, the thing is my partener doesnt know how im feeling and i have a feeling im going to loose him sooon </3

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JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 12, 2012 at 3:25 am

Hi Jade,
 
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your baby :( That must be a really difficult thing to go through.
 
I want to start by telling you that you're not a failure. I'm sure you've heard this many times already, but it wasn't in your control. I know it's hard to deal with, and that grief is something that's going to take time to deal with, but you don't have to feel guilty about this.
 
You should talk to your partner about how you feel. He's probably got some strong feelings about the whole thing too. Maybe if you guys talk it over and get out how you both feel you'll be able to get some closure on it. That's not to say it will solve everything, but it could make things a lot easier and give you both some support.
 
If you want to talk through things further, I'm here.

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