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Does Anybody Else Have This Problem?

DefyingGravity posted this thread...
Jun. 25, 2011 at 6:05 am

Both my parents work pretty long hours and because of that, they never have time for me or my younger sister. I've never considered this a problem, but it's beginning to bother me now.

I'm ashamed to admit that I have a slight hero-worshipping tendency.

Well, when I was younger, my parents meant the world to me. Literally. I would do pretty much ANYTHING to please them--and that is what I did. I didn't slave away in front of books, and I didn't always stand at the top of my class (I did come quite close though). And I was pretty aloof and quiet, but, you know, I did try my level best to be the perfect child.

Even after I became a teenager, my need to please them didn't stop. Actually, it grew worse, because my parents are the kind of people who don't like showing their love much. Nothing I did made them pleased with me; if I got a 98 out of 100, they'd yell at me for losing two marks; if I got a C in P.E. and all A's everywhere else, I'd be scolded--whcih is why, I gave up. I figured there was no point in trying to satisfy people who will never be satisfied.

But that's not the problem now. I don't care if my parents are happy with me, or if they think I'm throwing my life away because I focus too much on writing--I have no obligations to please them. Pretty much everything I do now irritates my parents--my mother in particular. Even tiny things like finishing my homework a little too late. And when my mother gets angry, there's no end to her anger. She always says things like "I wish you weren't born", "You're going to be a failure in life--I don't want to be the mother of such a person", "You're cheating me. You're wasting my money.", "You're a disrespectful little liar." "You're too headstrong and arrogant--I'm sick of you and your attitude."

 I really don't know what to do. I know my mother hates living here in Qatar and she doesn't like her job much, but she needs to work, but that's hardly a reason to take her anger out on me, right? It's only on me, not my sister. I admit, I don't make much of an attempt to get along with my mother either, but that is because everything I say sets her off and I can never get my thoughts/feelings through to her.

So, anybody else who has the same problem? Or am I just overreacting?

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introducingshelby replied...
Jun. 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

You're not.

I really don't think you're over reacting. That's the sort of thing that parents say when they aren't thinking straight. Telling your kid, you wish they were never born, sucks. It really does. It's not like it was your fault. Really. If they didn't want a kid, they shouldn't have had a second one. But because they did, it is their resposibility to love and nurture their child.

 

I don't think any of this is your fault. You don't pick your parents /:

 

Once you grow up, you can move out and have your own life. Things will get better... I believe.

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Healing_Angel replied...
Jun. 26, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Your parents sound like they are overreacting! YOU are NOT! I've heard of parents like yours and I don't believe it's healthy.... What happened to "Try your best?" I can't imagine the pressure you are under! You've probably heard the "They're doing it because they love you" so many times, that I imagine you want to scream! Don't worry, I've heard it 100's of times too... "How would YOU cope?" is something I often think whenever anyone starts on the "they love you and only want what's best for you" cr*p. It may be true, but not very helpful.

 

Talk to someone you trust. Anyone. She shouldn't get away with this! Just because she's unhappy, doesn't make it your fault! I'm not sure what else yo say. I'm sorry. I'm here if you ever need me. Take Care.    

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Gereldine5 replied...
Jun. 29, 2011 at 7:51 am

I know how you feel, except I do it to myself. Your parents want you to do well. They love you very much, but they cannot express it without doing what they do. I think they want to show they care, but stress and anger from personal issues and work builds up and they cannot take it anymore. By yelling at you for getting a 98 or a C in PE, they are trying to show to you that they care for how well you do. I know, they really suck at it. What I think you should do is talk to them. Sit on the couch, just you and mom or dad or both of them and tell them how you feel. If they yell at you, I am really sorry but chances are they will talk to you about why they do that. I do the whole yell at you for a 98 thing, but to myself. I really beat myself up for 'failing' or not excelling. I am looking for my parents pride and joy in what I do, but I can never do it right. These things happen. Just wait and see, keep on doing great in school. Don't give up hope. Talk to your parents about your feelings.

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Mystiecub replied...
Jun. 29, 2011 at 8:56 am

I'll admit I'm kinda in the same situation;

I'd be just sitting here on World of Warcraft or posting something up here when my father will walk in and say "Oh, you're spending time with those worthless friends (and/or) boyfriend of yours. Go do something productive." and then he'll turn around, get on his computer, and act like nothing happened.

Then I'll try like h.ell to get my best grade in math (which is not my best subject) and as a result i'll start failing another class. Or, take the more recent event, where my Spanish teacher DID. NOT. TEACH. Correct me if im wrong, but handing a student a half inch stack of paper every day of work to do is not teaching. Of course, I failed the class with a straight F all year long. My father screams at me to the point where im trying not to cry. I only passed that class on my teacher's doing--I didnt even DO most of the exam!

But then, he's also gotten slightly physically abusive...not much...but it still hurts and leaves a small bruise...

You're not alone, trust me. I'm not able to give much advice, but all I can say is either try talking to your parents (pfft--i know), doing something to take your mind off of it, or just work toward your future life and build toward the day you move out. Hopefully things will get better with time.

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DefyingGravity replied...
Jun. 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

*sigh* thank you guys.

I know my parents do care and they're not really in a nice situation right now, but that's hardly a reason to take it out on me right. And Mystiecub, that's not teaching--you should tell your Dad that.

The problem isn't their scolding alone; it's more of a I-can't-get-them-to-understand-what-it's-like kind of thing. It's not faiiiiiiiir. I've tried telling them before and they just won't listen to reason or they say I'm making up excuses to cover my failure.

We're all in the same boat. I suppose we should just wait it out.

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PoetryButterfly123 replied...
Jun. 30, 2011 at 3:00 pm

My mother is the same way......She never listens to me and she is always yelling at me......If I say one thing to her like "I am going to watch TV in my room" she will say " you are so lazy" Meanwhile I do everything for her.......  I even take care of my special needs brother like he is my kid....And I am only 14......I also hav a blood disorder, which makes me really tired at times...And that doesn't help.....My mom is sick to though.......She has diabetes.......but still she should at least let me tell her what I feel.......Sorry if I am saying to much.....I just needed to vent

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DefyingGravity replied...
Jul. 1, 2011 at 10:13 am

Sunshinejpr: Funny thing, my grades dropped when I was in the sixth grade too; it picked up the next year, though. I know, I'm pretty absent-minded too--it's not like I do it on purpose, and I'm sure you don't forget things on purpose too. We just can't help it and that's not a reason for our Mums to lash out at us, is it? That's awful, honestly--you're right. If the woman you gave bi.rth to you can't love you, or wishes you were non-existant, who will love you?

 

PoetryButterfly: It's okay. Anybody is free to vent here; it's what the thread's for. Sounds like you have it rough; we're all here for each other, right? So don't worry too much about it. You'll get through ^^.

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Mystiecub replied...
Jul. 7, 2011 at 9:36 am

@everybody else: It's agreed with me as well that we're all on the same boat.

@DefyingGravity: I've told my father that my teacher didn't teach, he only yelled at me in return for talking back. He doesnt believe me. The only proof I have is the work, my literally empty notebook which was meant for note taking, and the other students who say the same exact thing. See my problem here? Both of my parents seem to think that I lie all the time, when actually I'm a very truthful person...

It drives me nuts!... >.<

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hanging_girl_666 replied...
Jul. 8, 2011 at 5:55 am

.. You just described my life.

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Francis replied...
Aug. 11, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I have the same problem.I can understand. You're not the only one.

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tashy66 replied...
Dec. 17, 2011 at 4:31 am

i understand though for some reason they only yell at my brother if he gets 98 and make him revise for ages but yeh i guess they are really worried that you wont get a good job or somthing when i told my mum i wanted to be a writer she was like no you must be a lawyer and earn millions of pounds :)

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era5987 replied...
Dec. 23, 2011 at 12:54 pm

You're really not alone. This happens to a lot of teenagers. I have the same problem, just probably not to the same degree as you. They just want the best for you, and you're mom is probably very stressed with her job....which usually fuels anger and she ends up channelling it at you unintentionally.
Parents are usually sensitive to the words "I feel", because they feel like they're hurts their child emotionally, mentally, and/or physically, so they're more likely to listen. So try to sit you're mom and dad down and explain how you feel about how you're being treated. Grant it you might not be able to get through to them, but at least you would tell them your point of view. I understand you're problem....honestly, because I deal with it too. I get scared out of my mind when it comes to grade reports because I don't know if I met my parents' expectations. I have to watch the tone of my voice and choose what I say just so that way I can actually talk to them. Just one slip and I get lectured for an hour. Plus the "You're not going to make it to college if you..." speech. So I hope that I helped a little bit....and I hope thnigs get better for you:)

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dreamer11 replied...
Dec. 29, 2011 at 9:05 pm

No WAY! my grades dropped when i started middle school in 6th grade! Defying Gravity: Dont worry, your not alone. I have been through some really tough times too, it went on to the point that i has to visit counselors and therapists several times a week and was being raised by my friends aunt. I even thought about suicide and got a eating disorder. Thats when i found out about this site from one of my teachers. My life is a lot better now though. Sorry i had to express my feelings to someone.

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DefyingGravity replied...
Dec. 30, 2011 at 9:35 am

Oh wow, I hope things get a lot better for all of you.
My life has taken a turn for the worse though. I'm not visiting a therapist anymore (that bit makes me happy actually, because I don't have to talk about sh*t to some 40-year-old-man anymore). But my parents aren't talking to me now, because around Christmas they discovered my lack of belief in God (they're Romanc Catholics). In addition, I also now know that I'm bi and I don't know how to break that to them :/. I mean, I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP AT NIGHT. I'M THAT SCARED OF TELLING THEM. They're already reacting this way to my not believing in Go.d. If they find out about me being bi, it'll get worse ):.
F.uck, I don't want to live like this. I'm not somebody's stupid doormat, I'm not invisible. I'M HUMAN FOR GOODNESS SAKE. I just want somebody to see that. I don't always want the spotlight on me or anything but...but, I just want people to treat me properly. You know, people I met yesterday don't remember my name now. I'm that invisble. And people I've known for years have acted as if I'm some piece of sh*t.
Oh, oh, yes also--the girl I love is STRAIGHT. Can it get any worse? Yes, it can. She knows I love her and she acts as if it doesn't matter at all. She wants me to pretend we're just friends and we've always been just friends. I get so sick whenever I think of her. I have to ook at her everyday at school, I have to sit beside her at French class, I have to talk to her at school. ARGH. I would rather just not see her at all. I feel like crying when I think of her. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. I'm grateful to her for not telling everyone about my se.x.uality and accepting me for it but...
Sorry, I really need to vent. Or kil.l myself. Whichever works.

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era5987 replied...
Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:08 pm

Venting is a good idea. I personally find it helpful:) I hope you are able to find your way through this. I've never had an issue with my beliefs with my parents because we have the same beliefs (I'm basically athiest...) but I do know how it feels not being able to tell them something and it affecting your health. I had an issue with it and it made me physically sick so I ended up staying home a lot. If you need to talk I'm here! I know this post is a few years old now. So I hope it all worked out.

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OriginofGenesis replied...
May 12, 2013 at 8:51 pm

Believe me, I know what you are going through and you are not overreacting.  I've gone through a similar situation with my own mom.  She yells at me and my sisters over the stupidest things.  When I was in middle school, I had over $1,000 in savings.  She took all of it and this is how--"HEY! I told you to get all that s.hit off the floor!  Fine, you lazy-as.s kids don't want to listen to me, I don't care!  But I'm charging you  for everything I have to pick up.  One towel, $10.  Toothpaste in the sink, $20, shirt not folded, $30," and so on. In the past she has slapped us, pinched us, dragged us by our hair, pushed my then-3-year-old little sister into the pool, whacked our dogs, wrangled us out of the car while we were screaming and crying and left us curbside, locked us out of the house at night, forced me to run up and down the street carrying a radio, whipped me with a jump rope, trashed our rooms, and called us every obscene, mean, downright hurtful thing you can think of.  She belittles everything I do; I love to write and work on poems and my novel but whenever she catches me doing it she says in a nasty tone, "Seriously?  You're just making up more of your little stories?  Well GET UP, you can't just laze around like a human slob all day, all right?  You have to learn to function in society!"  She treats me and my sisters like total retards, criticizes EVERYTHING we do.  Just today when we went out for Mother's Day lunch with our relatives she got mad at me and put me down in front of everyone because she didn't like the way I was smiling when we took a family picture.  I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right for her.  I work hard to keep up our household (we have a big 2-story house, 2 little sisters, 3 non-house-trained dogs, a turtle and fish) but it's like I never do enough.  I mean, who cares if I cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner for all 5 people in the family, fed the dogs, cleaned up their poop and pee, swept the floor, did the dishes and organized the table and counter, when I forgot to clean up ONE throw-up in my mom's room?  It's like that almost every single day.  I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so discouraged so I can sympathize with you about that.  My mom has been like this my whole life, so I have no basis for comparison.  Now I just feel depressed, pathetic and am starting to believe the lies my mom has been feeding to me all these years.  I feel like I'm worthless (even though I KNOW I'm not), like I have no reason to go on living. It's not like I'm pretty or a size zero like my mom, either, which yes, she makes rude comments about as well.  My dad is no help, he works 14-hour days at the office and comes home exhausted, so we don't spend much time with him, plus he is almost deaf so we don't really talk.  In fact, he's intimidated by my mom too, he submits to her every order and asks her permission to do anything, even if it's to take us to McDonald's, which is ridiculous. Sorry for venting. It's awful that so many of us have problems like this with our parents.    At least we can commiserate together, haha.

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